Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t understand why he is doing this? AIBU to think this is crazy

48 replies

Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:12

Ex doesn’t seem to remember anything accurately. He’s v well educated and in a great job, so I have no doubt as to his cognitive abilities.

In essence, we tried to make our relationship work but he quite literally wouldn’t commit. He took a job several hundred miles away when dc was 2, came back at weekends. It was supposed to be temporary and became permanent. I said either we move in again properly where his job was (I work remotely) or we have to break up as this is not what a committed relationship looks like for me.

A year later, he still hadn’t ‘got round’ to organising anything to sort a place for us where his job was based. This is despite me doing all I could from afar to organise it, while also working and looking after dd 24/7 on my own all week. A year later I drew a line and said I wasn’t putting my life on hold anymore and ended it. He then told me I was abusive for giving him an ultimatum and that’s not how you have a relationship.

For obvious reasons I felt that was an unfair accusation but since it’s been over he’s been even worse. There’s lots of things but by way of example, about two years before Dd was born, ex became extremely cold with me for a couple of weeks and I patiently and kindly tried to chat with him, tried to give him space etc tried to work out why he was barely speaking to me. It was horrible. I eventually asked if he wasn’t happy in the relationship and whether he actually wanted to end it as his treatment towards me was so cold, he then admitted that he didn’t want to continue the relationship. I left. He recently said to me that I was never into him properly as I broke up with him a couple of years before Dd was born?!? I said to him that was not the case and I was very sad when he ended it. He said I made him end it as I asked him if he wanted to end it, which made him think I was telling him it was over. That is absolute bollocks and I said to him that’s not true and all the WhatsApp messages from
around that time will show that where I had said I was so upset and asked him if we could try again etc but he didn’t want to …. He then said I had purposely sent messages at that time to ‘present it’ that he had broken up with me?!?!

I said to him what he was saying was utterly bizarre and extreme and I couldn’t cope with these constant re framings of the past.

I can’t understand it. These are just a couple of examples. Everything is twisted. I don’t get it. I could never do right in his eyes and i‘m glad im out of it but why on earth would someone want to do this? Feel like I’m going mad.

OP posts:
bloomchamp · 03/04/2026 15:15

He does it to ease his own guilt x

Original poster
Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:16

bloomchamp · 03/04/2026 15:15

He does it to ease his own guilt x

@bloomchamp if he felt guilty why not just say he’s sorry and ask to get back together? (I wouldn’t agree to this now but it seems a weird thing to do if he feels ashamed)

OP posts:
Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 15:20

Oh OP, I think the only thing that matters here is you’re not over it.

because none of this matters does it? It’s all in the past.

i think it would’ve really good to get some therapy, maybe with a relationship counsellor (you can see them alone) to work on closure and moving on as co parents.

it doesnt matter why he’s a loser. He just is. Plenty of people are.

Original poster
Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:22

Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 15:20

Oh OP, I think the only thing that matters here is you’re not over it.

because none of this matters does it? It’s all in the past.

i think it would’ve really good to get some therapy, maybe with a relationship counsellor (you can see them alone) to work on closure and moving on as co parents.

it doesnt matter why he’s a loser. He just is. Plenty of people are.

@Itsmetheflamingo thanks. I can see how it sounds like I’m not over it. I am over the relationship (we barely had one for the year while he worked away and it’s been another year since!). But this constant re framing of the past is so baffling to me. I find it upsetting and I have to have some contact with him to ensure dd is ok and has a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Burningbud1981 · 03/04/2026 15:25

@Reeadi but you’ve taken the time to make this post. So you clearly are still giving him headspace so you don’t sound like you are over him

PicklePalace · 03/04/2026 15:27

Just stop talking to him. Genuinely. Who actually cares what this colossal fucking prick thinks or how he re-writes history?

keep communications to a bare minimum, always centre then round the children , set up an email address just for him and use that to communicate with him

the longer you moon around after him blaming yourself , the longer it’ll take you to get over him

midgetastic · 03/04/2026 15:27

The contact you need is absolutely minimal and can be done via email

you can ignore everything else he says (if you are over it )

Original poster
Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:28

Burningbud1981 · 03/04/2026 15:25

@Reeadi but you’ve taken the time to make this post. So you clearly are still giving him headspace so you don’t sound like you are over him

@Reeadi I wouldn’t get back together with him so I don’t think it’s that im not over him. I suppose I feel almost suspicious as to why he would want to re frame things

OP posts:
NaiceCupOTea · 03/04/2026 15:29

He is gaslighting you Op. You've not done anything wrong. Stand firm with your decision to end the relationship, and don't accept his re-framing of what happened.

Original poster
Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:30

NaiceCupOTea · 03/04/2026 15:29

He is gaslighting you Op. You've not done anything wrong. Stand firm with your decision to end the relationship, and don't accept his re-framing of what happened.

@NaiceCupOTea what is the point in the gaslighting though?! I truly don’t get it. It makes me suspicious

OP posts:
ReadingCrimeFiction · 03/04/2026 15:34

Pretty classic narcissistic behaviour. They key thing being that when someone displays this type.of behaviour, you need to understand it is NOT rational. The person cannot take responsibilty for their actions. They have no sense of accountability. Their mind twists everything so that dont have to take that responsibility/accountability. Often they have a victim mentality too, and the lack of accountability and responsibility ensures they are able to constantly feel like they are the victim.

Trying to rationalise or understand is pointless.

Original poster
Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:39

ReadingCrimeFiction · 03/04/2026 15:34

Pretty classic narcissistic behaviour. They key thing being that when someone displays this type.of behaviour, you need to understand it is NOT rational. The person cannot take responsibilty for their actions. They have no sense of accountability. Their mind twists everything so that dont have to take that responsibility/accountability. Often they have a victim mentality too, and the lack of accountability and responsibility ensures they are able to constantly feel like they are the victim.

Trying to rationalise or understand is pointless.

@ReadingCrimeFiction thanks. Hopefully it’s as simple as that and he’s not up to no good in trying to re frame things. He’s done some shit things in the past, some of which he acknowledges but largely he seems to have an entirely different perspective on the past. When I said read your messages from that time I apparently broke up with him, he said I planned at that time to present it as if he’d broken up with me?! I honestly was completely baffled and even slightly scared as I couldn’t tell if he genuinely thought that was possible… none of it made any sense and when I said that he just said ‘well that’s MY perspective on it, you don’t have to agree.’

OP posts:
Doggymummar · 03/04/2026 15:43

Use a parenting app and stop the nonsense

Theunamedcat · 03/04/2026 15:46

Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:30

@NaiceCupOTea what is the point in the gaslighting though?! I truly don’t get it. It makes me suspicious

Show quote history

Makes him look like a good person it's easy to be a victim in his eyes all he has to do is rewrite history and convince everyone he is the victim and you are the problem

ReadingCrimeFiction · 03/04/2026 15:48

These personalities are very dangerous because they can appear so rational and they are very good at a tiny bit of truth in the narrative. My personal theory is that what makes it harder is that these personalities aren't doing it on purpose so their distress and accusations are real to them. Doesn't make it ok though.

I am not surprised you say there was more. There always is. Many things that somehow you were convinced to ignore or that were your fault or that happened because they were poor victims who couldn't help it (so you arent allowed to be cross/hurt/blame them). Its not uncommon for their partners (victims) to finally leave after a single, often "small" event, usually one that they just cant be convinced is normal or ok.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/04/2026 16:02

Be glad he's an ex.

Stop giving it so much head space and celebrate being free from him.

AutumnFroglets · 03/04/2026 16:26

Why does he do certain things? Because he can. It really is that simple.

Download a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that? It's eye opening.

aquitodavia · 03/04/2026 16:33

I had an ex who did exactly this sort of thing all the time, he sounds extremely similar. It's classic gaslighting and there's absolutely no point even thinking about it because it's like a maze you'll never get out of. Just keep your contact to a minimum and thank your lucky stars you're out of that headfuckery.

ginasevern · 03/04/2026 16:42

@Reeadi Men notoriously can't take the blame for anything and likewise they can never be the guilty party. So they gaslight, lie etc. But it's quite worrying that you think he's up to something. What do you suspect OP? Do you think he's trying to defame your character for a sinister purpose?

nothingcangowrongnow · 03/04/2026 17:45

Keep him as an ex

Rhaidimiddim · 03/04/2026 17:51

Reeadi · 03/04/2026 15:12

Ex doesn’t seem to remember anything accurately. He’s v well educated and in a great job, so I have no doubt as to his cognitive abilities.

In essence, we tried to make our relationship work but he quite literally wouldn’t commit. He took a job several hundred miles away when dc was 2, came back at weekends. It was supposed to be temporary and became permanent. I said either we move in again properly where his job was (I work remotely) or we have to break up as this is not what a committed relationship looks like for me.

A year later, he still hadn’t ‘got round’ to organising anything to sort a place for us where his job was based. This is despite me doing all I could from afar to organise it, while also working and looking after dd 24/7 on my own all week. A year later I drew a line and said I wasn’t putting my life on hold anymore and ended it. He then told me I was abusive for giving him an ultimatum and that’s not how you have a relationship.

For obvious reasons I felt that was an unfair accusation but since it’s been over he’s been even worse. There’s lots of things but by way of example, about two years before Dd was born, ex became extremely cold with me for a couple of weeks and I patiently and kindly tried to chat with him, tried to give him space etc tried to work out why he was barely speaking to me. It was horrible. I eventually asked if he wasn’t happy in the relationship and whether he actually wanted to end it as his treatment towards me was so cold, he then admitted that he didn’t want to continue the relationship. I left. He recently said to me that I was never into him properly as I broke up with him a couple of years before Dd was born?!? I said to him that was not the case and I was very sad when he ended it. He said I made him end it as I asked him if he wanted to end it, which made him think I was telling him it was over. That is absolute bollocks and I said to him that’s not true and all the WhatsApp messages from
around that time will show that where I had said I was so upset and asked him if we could try again etc but he didn’t want to …. He then said I had purposely sent messages at that time to ‘present it’ that he had broken up with me?!?!

I said to him what he was saying was utterly bizarre and extreme and I couldn’t cope with these constant re framings of the past.

I can’t understand it. These are just a couple of examples. Everything is twisted. I don’t get it. I could never do right in his eyes and i‘m glad im out of it but why on earth would someone want to do this? Feel like I’m going mad.

Well, my ex had that set-up with me, and was living with another woman.

We split, she got pregnant immediately; and two kids and four years later, he was again working away from home, living with the woman who became wife number 3.

Endofyear · 03/04/2026 17:57

Honestly, I think you're better off not giving this headspace and keeping your communication with him to the minimum it needs to arrange visitation with your daughter. Apart from that leave him firmly where he belongs, in the past. Concentrate on your new life without him in it.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 03/04/2026 18:02

He sounds like my ex, in that he would argue black was white and appear to believe it, then later claim that he didn't believe that at all, I misunderstood him. The ground never stopped shifting under me and I too felt I was going mad.

When I first started reading about narcissistic personality disorder, it was a revelation. It was like for the first time, someone understood! There were other people who behaved the same way!

It's like the PP who described narcissism said: they cannot believe ill of themselves, and they will construct a temporary reality to ensure they are never confronted with their faults. They also can't really see other people as full humans, just bit parts in the grand story of their life.

Read some yourself and see if you have the same reaction. If not, read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned upthread. There's similar behaviour in all abusive people.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 03/04/2026 18:08

Often what makes women crazy with these men is that they will say their ex cheated on them. Cue much sympathy. Lots of putting up with controlling behaviour because be can't help it after the trauma of the ex cheating.

Then the accusations that YOU are cheating starts. You know its not true. You justify and explain. You modify behaviour. But of.course, he doesn't believe you.

At some point, the relationship ends. And its because you left. Because you couldn't take the accusations any more and it all got completely out of hand.

But he will tell anyone who will listen, forever, that you cheated on him.and thats why the relationship ended.

Its a total mind fuck.

Elsvieta · 03/04/2026 21:43

It seems simple and obvious enough: he was never that into you. Whether he'd be an even bigger prick if he just said that is debatable. He lies because he doesn't want to say that. Would you really prefer "For God's sake, don't you get it yet, you were good enough to shag for a while but only until I could do better"? You can't strong-arm someone into loving you. Was the pregnancy planned?

YOU (singular) tried to make it work; he was already looking for his exit route. (Men often prefer to push the woman until she ends it and then play the victim). He remembers everything fine - he just pretends not to.

He treated you like crap because he's not a nice person and he never cared about you much. (Maybe he's the type who never cares much about anyone but himself, but you'd know more about that). He lies because he thinks is the quickest way to get the nagging woman off his back. It's horrible but it's not complicated.

Swipe left for the next trending thread