AIBU to think people have become less caring and understanding?

[DoomAndGloomScroller]

AIBU to think that most everyday people now are just selfish and just don’t care about other people? Obviously some do, but most don’t.

I’ve had a really shitty 6 months. I’ve had ill relatives, another close relative died and it has really taken its toll on me.

As a result I’ve had to step back from a couple of things. Instead of giving me a bit of slack, or a bit of compassion, it’s come over as inconvenient to them. There’s actually a Wellbeing Manager heading up the push back on me brigade, who is always claiming they have nothing to do. How about asking me if I’m ok? You know that I’ve had a bad time, and I’ve asked for help and not recieved any.

The other day I saw someone I worked with, and spent 5 mins talking to them, and again they know I’ve been out of action for a bit, but didn’t ask me anything about how it’s going.

I’m just surprised, upset, annoyed at some people’s reaction to me saying I’m not available to do some things, and the lack of support and empathy.

Personally, I really care about the wellbeing of others, and even if I don’t know them well, if I hear something’s going on in their life, I’ll give them a few warm words.

I feel like from now on I’ll just focus on myself and no longer care what anyone thinks, and be unavailable.

Not at all.

So you’ve extrapolated this because two people haven’t asked how you are?

There's more nice people out there than nasty.
I do a bit of volunteering and speak to all sorts of people,some a lot going on or widowed etc and many still find a kind word for others.

This

This. So the behaviour of two people you know means that society as a whole is now uncaring?

I get you're upset but come on, this is silly isnt it

AIBU is not the place for this, Op, as you can see you are getting kicked down by some posters when its obvoous you are struggling. It's a common pile on tactic

The good part is there are people out there that are caring, but you are obviously grieving and struggling and that can take such a hit on your energy. I remember when my baby twins died in the NICU and I returned to work a few months later and it was like nothing happened, even though my life and dh's life had fallen apart.

I realised work is work though and I actually got comfort from friends and family who are more important. I seperated the two. But I do get it, I saw people turn on their heel the first day I came back. I think maybe they didnt know how to broach child loss never mind double child loss and that was how they dealt with it. Losing my baby sons actually opened me up to check in with people more now

Dont be afraid to talk to someone if you feel you arent coping as well. Wishing you the best

Sadly this thread perfectly illustrates what you’re describing OP. Straight away, several posters jump on you to tell you you’re over-reacting because you’ve mentioned only 2 examples.
I suspect you’d still get the same reaction from those posters, even if you’ve mentioned EVERY example.
I hope you’re ok and common decency costs nothing in my opinion. Every time you encounter someone who’s self-centred and un-empathetic to other people’s distress, clock it mentally and ensure you NEVER emulate them.

“Become” less caring and understanding means they were more caring and understanding in the past which isn’t the case at all.

people are human- sometimes people forget, or feel awkward, some won’t want to talk about private matters in case it makes you feel awkward and some yes, won’t care. That’s part of the rich tapestry of life isn’t it?

eta I’m really sorry you’d had a horrible 6 months, wellbeing managers aren’t really there to speak 1:1 with people to see if there ok though.

Are you talking about work situations? Tbh in a 5 minute conversation no, you shouldn't be looking to have a long deep conversation about everything that's going wrong. That's not the right context at all. Do you ever think that maybe that person is having their own rough time and just trying to survive at work without you trauma dumping?

If I bumped into a bereaved colleague for five minutes I would try not to touch on anything painful. I've been seriously bereaved, and I firmly believe you don't bring up painful things and blindside people like that. You wait to be in the right space and have enough time, then consider whether they actually want you to ask.

I suspect you’d still get the same reaction from those posters, even if you’ve mentioned EVERY example.

But thats the thing - I could list multiple people in my life who have behaved like arseholes.

I could also list multiple people who have been kind and caring.

Dwelling on the first doesnt negate or wipe out the second lot does it?

People are a mix of good and bad and none of us are perfect. It's simply not the case that every single person in the world is uncaring. Thats confirmation bias and its not a healthy way to think

Can you give more information about what has actually happened- I am struggling to understand what has happened. What have you stepped back from and who has said it's inconvenient? Is the well being manager at your work? What have they pushed back on? What help have you asked for and from whom?

If I bumped into a bereaved colleague for five minutes I would try not to touch on anything painful. I've been seriously bereaved, and I firmly believe you don't bring up painful things and blindside people like that. You wait to be in the right space and have enough time, then consider whether they actually want you to ask.

I agree. I have been bereaved many times and have lost both my parents. I would not feel comfortable with someone at work I dont know well trying to talk to me about my feelings of grief in depth. It would feel highly intrusive and so very inappropriate. A simple "hope you're ok" is fine but any kind of prodding about my feelings would feel way too intrusive.

I am sorry for your loss but I think you are expecting way too much from work colleagues here. If you need help then you should be talking to your GP and seeking counselling or contact cruse bereavement. your work place should be understanding but they are not responsible for helping you deal with your grief - that is the role of a mental health professional

Your haven't given specifics so I'm just going to respond generally.

Most people I know have something going on. Just thinking of one group of women I'm friends with who range in age from 30-60.

In the mix we have - young adult children who still require support and are facing difficulties through no fault of their own; chronic illness; menopause; family ill health; bereavement; difficulties at work; being single and having to manage rising prices alone. There is not one of us in a group of 7 who is not experiencing one or more of the above.

So the first explanation might be that the people you are expecting support from might be experiencing their own difficulties and not able to give that.

Some of the above will mention their worries in passing, others rarely mention them to the point where others forget they're dealing with it and so forget to ask; some are competely (and understandably) consumed by them.

As a result I’ve had to step back from a couple of things. Instead of giving me a bit of slack, or a bit of compassion, it’s come over as inconvenient to them.

That is often because giving someone else a bit of slack often means other people have to pick it up and, as much as they might care, their thoughts will turn to how they are going to manage the increased expectation on them (because the expectation doesn't reduce, it just transfers) when they are already struggling themselves.

And some people's expectations of others varies. Some people would rather not dwell on things and would rather other people didn't ask. They'd rather spend time with other people positively and have a break from their worries for a while. Other people are happy for a quick check in and know other people have thought of them. And others expect to be able to offload their thoughts and worries onto others, which other people find quite difficult if they're also managing their own concerns.

Some people prefer to support other people because it gives them a break from worrying about their own shit. Other people don't have the capacity to hear anything.

There's never one simple answer.

@GreyCarpet

This is a very thoughtful and helpful response and I agree with everything you've said.

I think its easy to just write people off as "uncaring" when you have no idea what they might be going through themselves, and I personally am definitely someone who doesnt broadcast my own worries.

I am intensely private so people may well wrongly assume I am absolutely fine and then be very hurt that I am not giving them what they want. What they dont know is that I am shouldering a lot of worries and issues in my own life and I simply dont have the capacity or headspace to deal with other people's.

Perhaps that is partly my fault for not explaining that but I think rather than assume "noone cares" its worthwhile considering the points you've mentioned.

A friend will help you move house.
A good friend will help you move a body. It’s knowing one from the other.
Hope you find what you’re looking for OP. 🌺🌺.

Two people in your workplace didn’t ask how you were. It seems a bit much to extrapolate that the world is now selfish and uncaring. What about your actual friends, who know and love you? Close family? People who don’t only know you because of the random chance of you working together.

You misunderstand my point. My point was about the posters who immediately rushed in to shut down OP. Sometimes stepping back and really thinking about what it is that the OP is concerned about (the full context), is prudent.

In my opinion, the posters who immediately jumped in to denigrate her current thinking pattern are harsh.
I think what OP is noticing here, is the lack of emotional intelligence she’s encountered. No one expects a deep and meaningful interlude, but a basic ‘ how are you?’ with sincere eye contact isn’t a big ask. OP is probably right about noticing the lack of emotional intelligence she’s encountered.

Huge life traumas ( the sort many people would never experience once in their lifetime never mind multiple times), really do put things into perspective, but that’s ok. A realistic and pragmatic attitude to life is not an unhealthy mindset.

It also depends how stoical the individual is. We all get bereavements at some stage. Expected ones of the elderly are different to a dc. There’s a big difference in illness too. I don’t expect work to care much.

I imagine that as you've been through a rough time recently and you're a bit raw you're sensitive just now to people and how they're behaving. People do tend to be wrapped up in themselves and I doubt they mean to be hurtful.

I think you also know that wellbeing initiatives in the workplace vary a lot too. Do you know what specific help you're looking for? You can self refer to Mental health access to work, who would help you to develop a wellbeing action plan. You don't need any kind of diagnosis for it.

I hope things get better soon.

You misunderstand my point. My point was about the posters who immediately rushed in to shut down OP. Sometimes stepping back and really thinking about what it is that the OP is concerned about (the full context), is prudent

You call it harsh I call it helpful. For me, someone challenging me when I am thinking negatively helps massively.

Someone simply agreeing with me and telling me you are right, everything is shit and it's only going to get worse just compounds feelings of helplessness and despair.

I dont think agreeing that everyone in the world is uncaring and selfish is a helpful thing to do because its not accurate and its encouraging negative thinking and assuming the worst in people which ends up being a self fulfilling prophecy.

I dont think being direct or challenging a belief is the same as being cruel. Also, being realistic its not the same as thinking "nobody cares". Thats a pessimistic view, not realism.

Saying "but come on, this is silly isn't it?" wasn't helpful in my view. It was dismissive.

Thats fair- I am sorry OP if I was dismissive.

However, judging the entire world on a 5 min conversation with a work colleague isnt wise or helpful so I would advise not to do that.

I agree.
I think it takes something really bad going on in your life (like your bereavement or a chronic illness etc) to make people see it. I had a series of really bad events like you - pre that I think I assumed people cared like I did, but when I needed some support during some very tough times - nothing. Those same people expected support and cheerleading from me when they went through things after me though. So I also agree that people are quite selfish these days.

I'm not sure people are less caring. I think you OP are a carer, and proactively care for others in a very upfront way. Is this the first time you've needed that attention from others and not got it? Some are really good at reading others, knowing exactly what they need, what the right thing to say is. Others don't but I bet if you said directly to a colleague I'm having a tough time today. I don't have the capacity to deal with client A, please could you do it? then they absolutely would.

Good for you for that response. It's not often that you see people step back and reconsider a bit.

I’m very careful about discussing bereavements in a work context. If a colleague is gritting their teeth and hanging on in there I don’t want to push them over the edge by discussing their loss in the middle of the office.

A colleague recently lost her son. I signed the card, contributed to the flowers etc and am very carefully not asking too much of her or putting her in stressful situations but I have not explicitly mentioned her loss and won’t unless she raises it first.

Lots of people maintain careful boundaries at work.

I am very sorry you have been having difficult time OP and hope you feel better soon.