AIBU for asking my partner to support me whilst sick?

[MumEll]

My toddler recently started at Flying Start (preschool for about 2.5 hours a day), and since then, it feels like the sicknesses have been nonstop, four illnesses in five weeks. Now I’ve caught the fifth one and this time it’s completely knocked me down.
At first, it was just mild weakness and a sore throat. I still managed to parent through it while my partner worked five full days, no help asked. But now I feel like I’ve been hit by a train. My body aches everywhere, I’m so weak I can’t even lift the baby, and every movement feels like my back might snap. I can’t stop crying because I feel like I’m failing everyone.
I’ve told him I physically can’t take it anymore, that the thought of another day like this makes me want to run away. But he just doesn’t hear me. He took two days off previously when our toddler was sick, and now refuses to take time off for me. Every time I beg for help, I get frustration back, apparently, I “don’t understand” his job.
I do understand that he’s struggling with work and scared of getting in trouble, but I wouldn’t be asking if I didn’t need help. I hate asking for help in general. We have no family nearby who’ll step in, and our health visitor is on strike, so that support system’s gone too.
I’m just at the end of my rope. I feel guilty even admitting I can’t do this. But this has pushed me so far that for the first time, I’ve genuinely thought about leaving just to make it stop.
Has anyone else been through something like this? How did you cope and what do you do when your partner just doesn’t seem to get how bad it’s become?

Are you working?

The previous two days he took off sick for
your toddler - when was this and why on that occasion did he take it?

It’s hard when they start with all the bugs.

I’m torn
you have a nasty sounding virus or similar
honestly I wouldn’t expect my DH to take a day off
I would expect him to leave sandwiches, food and snacks before he went and then pick everything up when he comes home
of you had a toddler you have a duvet / CBeebies day with them and do nothing
dose up on everything you can
also what would you expect the Health visitor to do to support?

Can you afford to get a babysitter to come to your home for a few hours today while you are still home but resting to give you a chance to try to recover?

Lots of online services offering vetted babysitters and you’d still be home with them anyway?

I think the deal breaker here is what are the implications for work if he took more time off at short notice?

Is it that he doesn't get how bad it is for you? Or is it that he doesn't have short notice leave he can take without getting in to trouble or potentially loosing his job? I mean if he's already had 2 days off recently for the toddler being sick, and doesn't have a good family leave policy or has things that can't be delayed that only he can do, then maybe working is necessary to keep food on the table.

It’s horrible when you’re sick but honestly, I wouldn’t have expected my DH to take a day off unless I was completely bed-bound and the toddler was OK and bouncing off the walls.

I think you’re expecting too much of yourself: you don’t ‘parent’ through illness, you do the absolute bare minimum. Duvet on the couch, doors closed so the baby can’t wander, yy to expecting some sandwiches and snacks to be left under clingfilm and any meds picked up before he went to work, and naturally he’s making dinner, running a load of laundry through and coming home sharp to do bedtime, but for the rest of the day all you need to do is keep baby safe and rest.

No I’m on mat leave. Babies teething and screaming non stop which is probably making me feel like I need help more than usual. I know he needs to work I just feel like I’m drowning

No I agree, and usually I don’t want him to take the time off. The toddlers been on crack the last few days & the newborn is teething so it’s making me very victim mode.

Yes grim to be caring for a baby and a toddler while ill. I have been there - so sympathy with that and the feeling of not being able to cope.

I similarly remember telling my DH maybe we should get divorced because then I’d get 50% off the time ‘off’ vs 0% of the time (on Mat leave and wi try toddler also). There is no break - they do not understand that.

But - taking holiday from work when you are already at home is a big ask and I see why he resists. Can he create some flexibility in his day instead - WFH, come home earlier etc instead?

He's working - he can't just take time off, on a whim.
Imagine you are going on holiday, but your flight's been cancelled, because the pilot has to stay at home because his non-working wife doesn't feel well......
Or your operation is cancelled, because the surgeon is looking after their poorly spouse......
Work is important..... people can't just bunk off!

It's so hard having to care for little ones when you feel so unwell yourself. What does he do for work, is it actually difficult for him to get time off or he just doesn't want to? And why did he take days off for the toddler while you were home?

I am confused as to what you expect your HV to do in this situation?

It’s very tough but you will cope. As others have said do the minimum you need to get through the day. Keep up cold meds for you and toddler as appropriate, Calpol the teething baby, drink plenty of water. sometimes we forget the basics.
Change what you are asking for and focus on what he can offer around work. ( can he get the toddler dressed and breakfasted before work so you get a little extra rest? Leave food and drinks ready for everyone to cover the day? Cut short his lunch break and get home a bit early? Etc ) He’s probably just as frustrated that he can’t just drop everything to help you but you really don’t need him to be putting his job at risk.
save asking for full support for times that you might really need it

What would you do if you were a single mum? I coped by myself. I get you're feeling poorly but if you're on mat leave, your dp cannot risk his job.

I think you hole up in your bedroom with the babies, and take things slowly. Door wedge to stop the elder escaping, a pile of toys, cups of water, snacks and grit your teeth.

I hope you feel better soon.

And yet somehow Mothers are just expected to be the ones who call in to their work at short notice to look after their sick child. No one is telling them to go to work and fuck it all.

Her partner should be taking a day off to look after his children as the Mother of his children is incredibly ill. Did you all miss the part where she said she can't lift the baby because she is so weak?

I think when you are ill it really shows if your partner truly cares about you rather than seeing you as an inconvenience or broken appliance not able to perform their normal duties.

At the end of the day this man has 2 children. There will of course be times where he has to take time off to look after his children, whether they are sick themselves or his partner is sick and unable to look after them. I wonder how many days total he has taken off work in the 2.5 years he has been a Dad?

Why does everything always fall onto one parent? It took 2 people to make these children so they should have equal responsibility. There is such thing as parental leave. I make it clear to my partner when our child is ill it is not down to me to take time off all the time and just after Christmas we had 6 weeks of flu, d&v, hand foot and mouth then chickenpox. It was incredibly stressful as I’m also pregnant however we coped splitting time off equally when we had too, changing our annual leave from 2 weeks together to separately and then when I came down with D&V and couldn’t even do the bare minimum parenting he took emergency leave.

one job isn’t more important than the others, our son is more important.

likening this to a pilot being off is a bit dramatic as there are always standby crews.

Incredibly ill??

@iamfedupwiththis "My body aches everywhere, I’m so weak I can’t even lift the baby, and every movement feels like my back might snap"

Yes, incredibly ill. Plus lack of sleep from a teething baby will add into feeling absolutely shit.

Luckily I have a very supportive DH who took time off work to look after not just his child when they had chicken pox and we shared taking days off but also time off when I was incredibly unwell so he could look after his children because I couldn't.

Sounds like a bad virus, a heavy cold, I wouldn't classify it as incredibly ill.

I am still confused as to what she expects her HV to do.

@iamfedupwiththis re the HV maybe she is so desperate for someone to step in? She has said she needs help, she has even thought about leaving. This is a woman screaming out for her partner to hear her, to put her first for one day so she can recover. Give this time and he'll be saying the divorce came out of nowhere.

You think the HV is going to step in and look after the kids?

This is not a HV remit!

She needs to take 2 paracetomol, give the kids some calpol and have a lazy afternoon!

He may well see how bad it is, but he's stuck between a rock and a hard place, isn't he? He is struggling at work already, and possibly fears for his job and that losing it would be even worse for your family. I feel for you. Parenting with no outside support is tough. But so is working a job where you feel insecure and over stretched. Neither of you sounds wrong here and so you should try not to see each other as the problem. Rather than resent him for what he can't do, can you sit down and work out what he could do? Could you plough through the day if he took over as soon as he walked in?

@iamfedupwiththis of course the HV isn't going to look after her child but maybe she would at least feel listened to or the HV can have a word with the partner to support her. It coming from a third party may help him see he needs to support his partner by removing the burden of looking after them for one fucking day. That taking time off work when you have children is a given unless you can afford a nanny at a moment's notice. It should be a shared responsibility, that men also need to take time off not just women.

Completely agree with you. A few months ago I was really unwell and just couldn't do anything for my toddler. Without me even asking my DH took a day off work so I could stay in bed and not worry about the toddler. If the mother of your children is so ill that she can't even hold the baby then you take a day off work no matter what. Hope you feel better soon OP. At least you know now what to do when your DH is ill. Zero fucking sympathy for him

This is the very reason why my kids didn't go to playgroup until they were 3. I saw my friends being run ragged from one cough/cold to the next throughout the winter/spring and thought no ta! I would let his immune system have a bit of a rest OP in truth, otherwise he's just passing everything onto you and the baby.

His employer might have said something along those lines, yeah. Like you're not allowed any more days off for X weeks because workload is too heavy and they can't be short handed? If he could lose his job over it that would be a disaster.