AIBU to want to move away after my partner's affair?

[TheLittleMatchGirl]

My partner has been cheating on me and as result of that, he got the other women pregnant, he confessed because the child is now here, and it’s obvious that he wants to play a role in that childs life.

Him and I, already have children together, our eldest being 11 years of age. His mother whom I have a good relationship with, has assured me that she didn’t know about this before hand and if she did, she would have told me, I believe her.

I am really not coping at the moment, due to the shock and devastation, but I WILL get to the stage where I will be able to cope by myself.

I can no longer stay in the family house, I just want to take my children and leave and start a new life, as far away as possible.

Because staying here, and having to see him is going to break me, he is already broken up our family and the children are asking questions.

I never ever thought that something like this would happen to me, and I don’t know why he has done this to us.

Because he is a cunt. There is no other explanation. But I know how you feel and I just pulled out of a house purchase 9 months after separation because I realised that I don't want to live on the same planet as my ex, let alone the city. Despite being totally over the relationship and having recently started dating someone new, the trauma of the betrayal wasn't something I needed triggering by walking the same streets. So totally relatable.
A fresh start might be just what you need.

This happened to me too OP. It’s going to be hard but you will come out the other side. Sending love ❤️

Do you live close to supportive friends and family? Why should you and your children move from everything you know because of his shameful actions! Don’t make any big decisions. Take a breath. I’m sorry this has happened.

He’s a monumental shit.

Thanks for the support, yes I live close to friends and family. I haven’t told anyone yet due to the embarrassment and I don’t know how and when I will tell them.

I can understand you not wanting to say anything. Being cheated on alone is very difficult to swallow even tho it’s him that should hang his head in shame.

Your life is intact, where you live near your friends and family. It’s him who has smashed his life to bits. If anything, it should be him wanting to hide under a rock.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. People will think badly of him, not you.

I get the temptation but being honest there enough up in the air at the moment I wouldn’t add more by going to a new area moving the kids and all that that entails

I wouldn’t write the idea off but this is long term so it needs to be well planned and considered move not a knee jerk reactions

So sorry he has done this OP.

Completely understand why you feel that way. Have you actually split with him because of this? Is he even sorry?

I would confide in someone please don’t bottle it all up.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Lean on your friends and family for support.

why do you need to move out, he should be moving out!

You have nothing to be embarrassed about! He on the other hand is an absolute twat. Sending hugs and support to you. I would try and give it some time so you don’t make a rash decision you’ll regret - and tell people and say who did what.

Yes I have split with him, and there’s no turning back.

I haven't spoken to him since he told me, and I don’t want to speak to him.

Of course he is not sorry, he obviously wanted to give the other woman a baby.

It's not your burden to carry. The embarrassment is all his. Trust me, people are extremely understanding and you'd want all the support you can have right now.

I haven’t told anyone yet due to the embarrassment

Why are you embarrassed?

The only person who should be embarrassed is him!
And he actually needs to be the one who tells people, it’s the least he can do.

I completely understand what you mean and I’m sorry you’re going through this but this man should not make you feel ashamed or make you move away from your support system.

He does not get to break up your relationship and then ruin your life by you having to move away.

I would be shouting it from the roof tops about what a scum bag he is and he’s going to have to be the one who has to live with everyone knowing what he’s like.

Shame must change sides, this is his shame to bear, not yours.

He cheated on you and got another woman pregnant, breaking up your family in the process.

End your relationship with him, but it sounds like moving away would remove you from the support system of your friends and family; if they are the kind of people you can lean on in a crisis, they may become invaluable.

Being a single parent (even when the father is still in the picture) is hard, so do think about the practical aspects of life in a new area with no support.

Can you still work/socialise/go to the gym/do hobbies/be ill if there’s no one around to watch the kids? If you can afford to buy in regular childcare/babysitting then that’s great, but if you want to have any kind of life as an individual and you can’t afford to pay for people to care for your kids, then for that alone you may want to stay in the area where you have support.

You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about OP - he’s the one that should be dying with shame. My neighbour’s DH fucked off with his OW three weeks before she gave birth. All I think about is what a monumental piece of shit he is and hope karma comes knocking. I’d echo PP’s suggesting that whilst it’s completely understandable that you want get as far away from him as possible, try and take some time to process first. Are your DC in school? I’d try not to disrupt them any more than necessary. You can hold your head up high, he’s the one that needs to be scurrying into the gutter if he bumps into you.

You have nothing to be ashamed about.

But you do have children with this man.
He may be a adulterous partner but he is still their father.

You will need to see him because your children need you to co-parent with him. You need to be able to communicate about your children and to be able to attend events at the same time like school plays, sports matches, prize giving, graduations, big birthdays etc.

Your children most likely will not benefit from being uprooted from their schools and friends because you feel sad and embarrassed.
And in any case, your ex partner can likely prevent you moving away via the court system.

You are right that you will get through this but it probably won't involve moving far away because that is not likely to be best for the children.

I know this feeling all too well. I think wanting to relocate is a very normal reaction. If you have a good support network around you though I would consider it very strategically though. Maybe a new area/neighbourhood but not completely far out?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. All the best.

I'm so sorry he's treated you and the DC like this OP. The shame is his not yours but right now you probably feel like the person you were sharing your life with is a stranger.

Is there a trusted level headed person in your life that you could confide in and they could let others know if necessary. Let your friends and family do a bit of heavy lifting right now to allow you space to start coming to terms with this.

I would also advise a therapist with experience in infidelity trauma, when you feel ready maybe also have a read about post infidelity stress disorder, it might help make sense of how you will feel right now and in the process of dealing with your life being turned upside down.

I don't know you OP, or your total shitebag of an ex, but I know you will be okay. Many of us here have been through the same and are always here with a listening ear, a handhold or inventive swearwords when needed.

Has he given you any indication as to what his thoughts are about 50-50 custody etc
That will play quite a significance part in the decision-making

co-parent with him. You need to be able to communicate about your children and to be able to attend events at the same time like school plays, sports matches, prize giving, graduations, big birthdays etc

not necessarily, often once you stop acting as a social secretary for them, they don’t make the effort to find out when these events are and they don’t turn up with a bit of luck.
It’s certainly not for the OP to be facilitating these events

Get a parenting app so there's no reason for him to call or text you.

Who owns the house?

You aren’t the one who has anything to be embarrassed about. He has lied and cheated and broken up his family because he could keep his dick in his pants. Why would you be feeling embarrassed? Nobody is going to be judging you. The embarrassment is all on him!

In your shoes, I’d hold off for a little while. Not because it’ll be easy to see him getting on with a new life, but because your entire support network is based where you are right now, and because every bit of stability in your children’s lives is also where you are now. By all means, make a fresh start when things are feeling less raw, if you still feel it’s needed, but making life altering decisions while your emotions are all over the place is never going to a sensible thing to do.

Also, I suspect he’d quite like it if you did just disappear. It would make things a lot less awkward for him if he didn’t have to worry about bumping into you in Sainsburys. Well sod that, let him sweat.

Don't move away at the moment. Your friends are where you currently live, as are your children's friends. It's a shit situation to be in, so do what you can to keep it as less stressful as possible for the time being.

Times of stress and high emotions are not always the best times to make big decisions.

And do not be embarrassed. He is the one who should be embarrassed. And the sooner you can speak to others about what has happened the better in my opinion as you get to lay down the narrative and ensure the facts are out there before anyone else can twist them to suit their narrative.

Your friends will want to support you. So please don't be embarrassed to talk to them.

💐

You are in the shock phase of grief and trauma - your trauma response is to want to run and hide.

But right now you are not being supported because you are too shocked and ashamed to get the words out of your mouth to your family and friends. This is a really really important step. Can you send a text to someone to say “X has done Y and has had a baby. We are over but I really need help” - just do that one thing. The rest will take care of itself in time. Has he left the house? How recently did he tell you?

I think moving is a natural reaction to run away but very tempting. Especially as you haven’t told anyone yet. Op he is in the wrong here. I chose very carefully when my marriage ended who I spoke to. Can you message a good friend or family member so you have some support and can start the conversation. One day at a time.