How to put them off when they ask to get together too much

[Justnetballandcoffee]

We know a couple, let us call them A and B. I first met A when our DDs were young as we went to the same swimming group. We were friendly and did have a few play dates but I soon realised I did not want to maintain a friendship as I found her quite demanding. It then came about that my DH works with B and they have become friends in the last 2 years. He is a nice guy but a bit intense. Since then they have clearly wanted us to make us their "couple friends" to do things with. I don't mind sometimes but it's too much. For example it is now the Easter holidays and they have suggested we meet up three times within 2 weeks! This because I agreed to one thing and then they latch onto it and suggest other things. One meet up in the holidays is enough, surely!

I am conscious I may be being unkind. They are nice people, I just don't enjoy A's company. She can be almost a bit rude but I believe this is because she is ND rather than actually rude. I say this as I am ND and I recognise things in her. I could he wrong and she could just be ignorant but I don't think so. Only relevant as I wonder if it's the fact we might both be ND in a similar way which makes us clash (at least from my point of view).

I need downtime to recharge and I am not interested in making plans with people who are not my close friends. I play netball three evenings a week. DH has hobbies she we like to keep weekends for family time. I don't mind occasionally doing something with the girls as they are in the same class but they take us accepting any invitation as a chance to rekindle this couple friendship and then keep suggesting things. We can say no of course and often do but they don't stop. Even my close friends I would only see once a month at most as we're all busy.

Is it best to not say yes at all?

I'm fully prepared to be told I'm unreasonable as I'm not sure I'm handling this the right way. It's been going on for two years!

I mean I guess you can either keep giving excuses every time and hope for a gradual fade, or be direct/ a bit rude and risk completely alienating them.

It's up to you really. There's no way to be direct without being direct.

Would you do this to someone you like and a friend of your DH? I wouldn't.

I've had a similar situation before but not with a couple just with a friend. She just wanted to see me a lot more than I wanted. I actually really liked her but I didn't want a friendship that was akin to a second romantic relationship in levels of contact/intensity. I guess she wanted more the type of friendship you might have as a teenager or when you're at university together.

It was difficult as I did want to be friends, but seeing each other once a week at work meeting once a week outside work was enough for me.

Anyway I retrained and covid happened and I had a baby. My level of contact to her reduced to what it is with lots of my old friends:- making an effort to see her several times a year. Then I realised I hadn't heard from her in a while, sent her a message to see how she was and she replied. Then I suggested meeting up and never heard back from her. Although I was a bit sad as she was a good friend it was also a relief.

I'm trying to find a way to calm things without upsetting them. That text would just be rude IMO!

Yes I think so either about them as a couple or just A but it was over a year ago. I couldn't find the old thread to start it up again so thought better to start a new one.

I think sometimes people want a certain level of friendship and if you can't provide it then they're not interested unfortunately. I'm sorry that happened. Thanks for sharing and thanks everyone for the replies.

I think I will just continue to say yes sometimes but probably every time they ask.

If she's ND, she'll likely appreciate your directness, honesty and clarity. Don't be subtle, many ND people don't get hints and subtlety (me included). Don't say you're not available on x dates. Just say you'd prefer to only meet up every 1-3 months. You could blame it on your own neurodiversity.

I have a friend like this op - can't tell her anything l am doing as she latches on. Even of l say l am doing housework she says oh I'll pop round. It is relentless. I have learnt over the years to be very vague and non commital. I do like her but she is too needy.

I think you're right. I'm ND too and have struggled with this in the past. I've done what she's doing now and lost friends as a result but we're not close enough that I can speak with her about it and I can't really have a proper chat with her about that sort of thing (which is partly why we're not friends). You're right that if I just say I'm not available on x date then she won't take the hint.

We have some neighbours with young DC like this. They try to palm off their DD on us at any opportunity. That's another thread but the people I'm talking about now are not problematic like that. They actually see us as friends rather than constantly trying to use us!

I would hate to think of a friend cringing when I sent a message with a list of dates.
It is all very well people saying ‘they like you’ well they may do, but in terms of boundaries and respect, they are very low on both.
Friendship shouldn’t be like this.
They should also wait for you to send an invitation, not keep bombarding you with dates.
I know it’s really difficult but I would actually say that - after we’ve had a meeting, could you wait for us to offer the next invitation? We really enjoy our time together, but sometimes it would be nice to put some thought into an invitation from our end?
And honestly if they can’t stick to that, they would be it for me.

Yes I’ve had this before @Justnetballandcoffee- it’s an all or nothing thing. It wasn’t for me either, I think it’s healthier to have space in a friendship. I found when I tried gently to get deter them from doing everything with me, the friend unfortunately just dumped me. I know I’m kind, I feel that you are too and I think it’s a shame that they’re putting you off being friends but I can completely see why. It’s too much isn’t it. You’re not a friendship match and I guess if you really like her, as I did my friend, it’s worth trying to get a level of contact that suits you both. Hard when the other person doesn’t take no for an answer. I didn’t manage to get the balance right and I’m a bit sad over that as I really liked her.

Just jumping on what a pp said, it is like being in a romantic relationship - although l'd run a mile if a new partner was as suffocating as this.

I think the first thing to decide is exactly how often you want to meet up with them. Once during Easter holidays? So offer that:-

“Sorry - quite manic this week but we are free all day on the 7th. Are you free? What do you fancy doing? I was wondering about Clip and Climb?”

If they message you again before the meet up then you just reply “sorry not free then but looking forward to seeing you on the 7th. Jack has now decided he hates Clip and Climb so would bowling be better?”

Always discuss the 7th as a fixed thing that you are very much looking forward to.

And then when you do meet up have a very fixed idea when you want to meet up again and make a plan.

It means that you are never rejecting (because you have a date in the diary) but you also are only seeing when you want to.

I have a similar thing with an older friend I met through choir.

All these people saying, "drop them". Unfortunately, it's not always that easy.

With regard to my friend, she's nice, but she dominates the conversation to such an extent, that I can barely get a word in. She tells me stories that she's told me before. Asks if I saw a particular tv show, and when I say no, proceeds to give me a 20 minute breakdown of what happened in it. She's also one of those people who lurches from one micro-drama to the next. Stuff I wouldn't bat an eye at, she's consumed by. And then she'll give me a 30 minute explanation of why this thing was so upsetting.
I try and make our meals out as quick as I can, but they still seem to end up as 3-hour marathons.

But she IS nice, and I do like to see her, but in very spread out doses. I manage that by if she suggests a few dates for a meet-up, I pick the one furthest away, or suggest a weekend a few further on. Or I'll nominate a couple of dates at least 4-6 weeks in the future.

I last saw her about 3 weeks ago. I won't make a date with her until at least mid May.

I hope none of you ever need a friend.

Are you saying we should see these people every week even if we don't want to just to he good friends to them? I don't think that makes sense.

That's ridiculous. The OP's husband is friends with the guy of this couple. The OP doesn't even like the woman. Which is obviously the best possible reason not to socialise with someone.

Only on Mn do people appear to think it's normal to have friends they don't like.

ETA There are two current threads by a different poster describing a woman she knows in passing from her gym, and who keeps asking her to socialise with her. The OP doesn't like this woman at all, but has started two threads asking if she should 'make more of an effort'. With someone she doesn't like.

No wonder so many Mners seem to tie themselves into knots about friendships. The basics of a friend is that it's someone you like and whose company you enjoy.

Yes exactly. We hardly ever extend invitations to them. I think maybe twice in the two years we've known them and that's because they've gone on about wanting to do something. I know that sounds awful but they really do keep saying it even though we don't reach out and then once we have gone out B tells DH at work what a nice time they had and that we should do it again 🙄 I think of her as ND but maybe he is as well as he's as bad. BTW I am ND and have done this in the past so I don't want it to seem like I'm bashing them because of it. I just know I've learned the lesson and I am not like this any more. I also realise that I need some quiet time at home. The only people I see every week are my parents. I don't get why they would think we'd need to get together that often.

Yes exactly. It's just too much.

I wouldn't mind the occasional meet up but she obviously wants more. When I say she is ND by the way I mean she literally talks in monologues and when I respond she gets up and walks away or starts talking to her DD. I find it really frustrating. I don't think it means we can't socialise at all but I don't really want to go for a meal with them and things like that in my free time honestly but an activity with the girls is ok. I don't mind him but he is quite intense in trying to set up the get togethers and he even asks me when I'm going to make plans with A.

I had a good friend whom I fell out with a couple of years ago as I think I was a bit like this, not expecting to meet all the time, but maybe just not reading the room. I was hurt that she didn't accept me for who I am as she was a very close friend so I do get it but A isn't even a close friend so it's just really odd to me.

Thanks all.

I don't want to say any more as I feel the more I say the more I sound horrible and I really don't mean to be. It genuinely stresses me out as they do bombard with messages and dates sometimes but maybe I just need to mute the chat or something when it's bothering me and then send a polite reply later.

The fact that you have been so honest on here about your own struggles shows a lot of caring and empathy.
I have a feeling this woman’s husband probably struggles with her a bit as well and sees these meetings as a bit of a breather.
You have a right to your own private space and time and to allow time with others when it is mutually suitable.
It is not okay to bombard and overwhelm anyone with requests, especially when you can see they don’t respond.