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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

12 YO DD and WhatsApp. Did I handle this correctly and what to do going forward

106 replies

lookinggforadvice · 31/03/2026 22:16

Dd is in year 7. She started at a school where she knew no one but settled in really well, however it seemed like they all kept in touch on WhatsApp so we let her have an account which we would monitor. All very immature group chats

However tonight I looked for the first time in a couple of weeks and it looks like they have turned against one girl, DD included. Nasty bullying comments and short videos including one with her friends name on a grave stone. Awful. Separate to this she is messaging the same girl privately chatting about holiday.

i’ e confiscated her phone for now, and deleted WhatsApp altogether and told her she not having it until she is mature enough to use it properly. I obviously want to go through how bad this is, but she’s literally thrown a 2 hour meltdown demanding WhatsApp back.

i’m horrified by how nasty some of the messages were, but don’t want to completely cut DD off. How would you proceed

OP posts:

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 31/03/2026 22:20

Suggest the poor girl being bullied will be upset for more than 2 hours..
Maybe a donation to a charity of some of her used things. Make her see not everyone is fortunate enough to have a phone.. And it isn't a given that dc have one... An older dc gave my year 6 a phone against my better judgement.. Lasted a few weeks. Simply unable to manage friendships via a phone. Removed until he got to secondary school..
Younger dc is 11.6 and still hasn't got one.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/03/2026 22:20

Never let her have it until she's old enough to pay for her own phone. I'm serious.

And you need to tell the school this has been happening. If you know any of the other parents personally, tell them. This is a safeguarding issue.

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 31/03/2026 22:20

Stick to your guns. If you have taken her ohone then regardless of the meltdown she doesn't get it vack til she proved she can be trusted.

If you cave now you will never have the upper hand as she will always know how to manipulate you.

My dd is also 12, year groups all have WhatsApp chats but thankfully hers seem supportive for homework support etc so far byt I do dread the bullying stuff.

MrsMabelThorpe · 31/03/2026 22:20

Well, you definitely don't give in to a tantrum. You checked, and acted on what you saw.

Summerunlover · 31/03/2026 22:24

My daughter had an issue on what’s app where she had joined groups. We said she could have what’s app but no groups. When she disobeyed this. We deleted what’s app and she hasn’t had it back. And that was a year ago. I would take the phone off her her for at least a month. And delay what’s app. We bought our daughter a cheap Nokia phone she could use to travel to school and back but that’s it.

Parker231 · 31/03/2026 22:25

In the UK the minimum age for WhatsApp is 13 - why did she have it her phone?

TrashHeap · 31/03/2026 22:26

Keep her off any form of social media, it's too toxic and dangerous. If she wants to throw a tantrum then let her.

VickyEadieofThigh · 31/03/2026 22:26

Children have suffered very serious harm as a direct result of this sort of bullying.

TrashHeap · 31/03/2026 22:27

Parker231 · 31/03/2026 22:25

In the UK the minimum age for WhatsApp is 13 - why did she have it her phone?

BINGO

CrocusesFlowering · 31/03/2026 22:27

Do you know the other child’s parents?

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 31/03/2026 22:28

I would make my child apologise to the victim of the bullying, I would send screen shots of the messages to the school. I would get my child a brick phone.
@lookinggforadvice please come down on her like a ton of bricks. And if you feel like caving, think of how shit the other child feels.

OneFootAfterTheOther · 31/03/2026 22:34

Get her to read the messages out to you. I think sometimes people cannot understand how awful things they type are.

I wouldn’t be giving her WhatsApp back - she’s proved she’s not ready for it. I also wouldn’t not be wowed about the tantrum about not having it.

Anyahyacinth · 31/03/2026 22:35

Tantrum rather than embarrassed shame indicates something…a grave stone is really really nasty

NightNightSky · 31/03/2026 22:38

There's a huge difference between she can have WhatsApp and she can have unsupervised WhatsApp and join any group chats she likes. You've made a huge error there and aren't checking her phone nearly enough, it should be daily.

I'd be appalled at her behaviour, she is nasty and a bully and that must be awful to hear as a parent but you have the choice now to deal with that or not. I would be furious. I would remove the phone, there would be no treats or privileges for a long time and I'd make sure she knew I was incredibly disappointed in her. She needs to be thoroughly ashamed of her actions.

I'd also be looking at why she was behaving in this way, what parenting needs to be adjusted, is she struggling with self confidence, is she cocky and arrogant, is she trying to fit in, does she just have a nasty streak. None of those things at all are an excuse but you need to also look at why she thinks this is ok.

She's been making bullying comments. Has she been creating videos of her friends name on a gravestone and the other videos or is in the chat?

Shoppingmakesmehappy · 31/03/2026 22:38

My child has been on the receiving end of this type of group bullying it's awful please take this seriously. The parents of the kids that did it to my son blamed other kids yet still kept their kids on the GC...don't be one of those parents who's Ok so long as their child isn't the one being bullied

WilfredsPies · 31/03/2026 22:42

How would you proceed

I would be adjusting her priorities for her so that her biggest concern was having her behaviour corrected, and not that she can’t chat to her mates on WhatsApp. I certainly wouldn’t be interested in listening to a two hour meltdown. Obviously we just have a tiny peak at what’s happening but it sounds like she’s having a tantrum and you’re responding to that accordingly, and I think it needs to be you reading the riot act and her responding to you accordingly. Does she understand the gravity of how she’s behaved? And how you feel about her behaviour?

I think, for starters, you need to tell her that if you hear another peep out of her about not having her phone, you’ll just destroy the phone and she can forget about earning it back. And I think you should point out that losing her phone should be the very least of her worries right now. Maybe give her something to dwell on for a while.

Youcanpayit · 31/03/2026 22:44

Y7 group chats are brutal. They have them on WhatsApp, Snapchat and god knows how many other places. The harassment and bullying that goes on on them is mind blowing. Kids end up feeling unsafe in their own bedrooms. I don't miss those times at all.

You've definitely done the right thing taking it off her. Keep checking and stay on top of the phone use. The bullying will still happen, but your child won't be able to join in.

purpleme12 · 31/03/2026 22:45

I'd do the same and mine's the same age

Mine doesn't have wotsapp after a couple of incidents (although different to yours) but basically the trouble just seemed to come from wotsapp

Not had any trouble on messages

Original poster

lookinggforadvice · 31/03/2026 22:45

I totally agree with all the points, I thought WhatsApp would be useful for making new friends but it really didn’t go as I thought. She has no other social media.

I don’t know any of the other parents, we were just out of the catchment for the school her primary friends went to so she has started from scratch.

we have parents evening the week they go back so I am going to mention to form teacher.

its been awful to witness how easily she joined in, I need to have an honest conversation about how she behaves in person at school

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 31/03/2026 22:46

I think I'd make her do some research/ essay / present back on online bullying, why people behave differently online to real life, the impact it has on victims, and the negative effect of social media on teens. Then have a serious chat about why she thinks its OK to talk about someone like this - I like the reading it out idea above, it's much harder to say things sometimes than type them. Lastly warning her that if you ever put stuff like this in writing it can be used against you by anyone on the chat in a future argument. All they need to do is delete a few messages, screenshot / crop your daughters nasty message and she is the scapegoat for the whole thing, and it could go viral.

Sendmeaneffectivekeyring · 31/03/2026 22:54

Please, please please, contact the school and let them know about this. And keep on top of it. Check in a day or two (before the holidays, to make sure they are dealing with it). As the mother of a child who suffers (and continues to) in this way, someone has to let them know how cruel they are being. They are condoning each other's behaviour. An adult has to step in.

Also Thank You for doing the right thing. A lot of people convince themselves (I believe) that it's the victim's fault. Often the child being picked on is neuro diverse and just doesn't understand group dynamics/can't keep on the right side of the powerful kids.

Also I want to say these two words: Molly Russell.

GrealishGoddess · 31/03/2026 22:55

Text messages are fine (in the kitchen only, and off by 8pm). No need for WA. DD is almost 14

edwinbear · 31/03/2026 22:55

YANBU OP and you’ve handled it well. Y7 groups are awful (I have a Y9 and Y12 so done the Y7 groups twice). What helped a bit with DD, was one of the mums posted on the parents WhatsApp group that the Y7 group had got a bit out of hand and that parents might want to double check their child’s phone. She didn’t give specifics, or drop anyone in it, but I reckon about half the kids came off the group within about 30mins as their mums all had a scroll through! They seemed to be a bit more careful with what they posted after that.

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 31/03/2026 22:58

lookinggforadvice · 31/03/2026 22:45

“we have parents evening the week they go back so I am going to mention to form teacher.”
@lookinggforadvice do you honestly think this in enough???
Your child isn’t on their phone but the other child is still getting bullied. You know and as an adult, should be helping. Would you be so laid back if it was your child on the receiving end?

Original poster

lookinggforadvice · 31/03/2026 22:59

It’s hard to read some of the comments but I appreciate the straight talk and am trying to
honest. I don’t think I could trust her to have it back but not join group chats

she does struggle with friendships and definitely an element of wanting to fit in She is quite immature compared to many of the girls her age. However that’s no excuse and yes, hard as it is to admit she joined on with the comments, that’s why I deleted it but how to move forward. I will be trying to calmly talk it through tomorrow but I am furious with her

OP posts:

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