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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at my partner inviting family to stay without telling me?

34 replies

FancyBiscuit · 30/03/2026 15:57

I found out that (through hearing his side of a phonecall to his sister) that my partner invited his sister, BIL and their 3 y/o stay (one night and 2ish days) with us in a few weeks time. Apparently the plan is for them to have our (partner used the word 'my' on the phone) bedroom rather than spare room because it's bigger.

I'm due to be away on a work trip that weekend so probably won't be there anyway. He arranged this weeks ago but apparently forgot to tell me. When I queried the plan he apologised for not telling me before but quickly moved on.

Very happy to be told AIBU but a few hours later it's still really bugging me. Id be totally happy for them to come but would have really liked to be informed, or ideally asked. Partner lived at flat alone before I moved in just over a year ago and it often still feels like 'his' home rather than ours. Would this bother other people too or do I just need to let it go?

OP posts:
Arrowthroughtheknee · 30/03/2026 15:59

I wouldn't mind if I wasn't going to be there

Ponderingwindow · 30/03/2026 16:02

I wouldn’t be ok with this at all. I know I am extreme on houseguests because of autism and medical conditions, but this would be upsetting.

mindutopia · 30/03/2026 16:03

I think it’s mostly okay to invite people to stay when you won’t be around as long as he really is the sort who will tidy up after them, do the hoovering, strip the beds and do the washing and put the linens away.

But it’s not okay to invite people to sleep in your bed without your consent. That’s a private space. No one sleeps in my bed. We have a spare room for that. Or we have the floor. Or anyone is welcome to sleep in their car in the drive. We have literally had guests in camper vans sleeping outside. But my bed is my bed. I don’t let people sleep in it and it’s not something he should offer up without enthusiastic agreement from both of you.

BollyMolly · 30/03/2026 16:03

You’re not going to be there, so YABU for expecting him to ask you if he can have visitors. I
wouldn’t want people sleeping in my bed or in my bedroom though, so I think you have the right to insist on the spare bedroom.

Gowlett · 30/03/2026 16:05

Wouldn’t mind them staying but I’d like to be asked or informed. Because I’d want to have the house ready, clean. And I’d hace to factor in time for that, as I assume he’s not gonna do it… Will he be getting in extra food etc?

Original poster
FancyBiscuit · 30/03/2026 16:08

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. I completely agree I think it's something about them sleeping in our bed that feels especially unsettling - although in fairness partner is usually really tidy and I'm sure will sort bedding etc. he won't expect me to do anything to do anything although I guess I'll have to tidy my side of the room/bedside table

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 30/03/2026 16:09

I would not mind them staying but not in my bedroom. I would not want a three year old handling my things. I would tell him that they are welcome to stay but in the guest room. I would also tell him that he is responsible for child-proofing the place.

purplecorkheart · 30/03/2026 16:10

I do think though you need to have a chat about how it is now both your home and not just his.

Ponoka7 · 30/03/2026 16:11

I'd double up on the mattress protector. I don't like anyone else sleeping in my bed, but if it was his bed, before our bed and in the case of close family, I'd let it go.

Doodlestar · 30/03/2026 16:16

Gowlett · 30/03/2026 16:05

Wouldn’t mind them staying but I’d like to be asked or informed. Because I’d want to have the house ready, clean. And I’d hace to factor in time for that, as I assume he’s not gonna do it… Will he be getting in extra food etc?

Edited

This is pretty odd, why would you assume that someone who has invited guests to stay with them would not do any preparation for those guests, to the extent of not even providing food for them?
I get that you might want the house clean to your own standards before people stay, but presumably OP's partner is a grown-up and is aware his guests will need to eat...!

Parrotstwice · 30/03/2026 16:16

Yeah its disrespectful to not discuss it with you. Especially as they'll be sleeping in your room.
Id be really angry actually.
Id never invite anyone to stay overnight without discussing it with my husband. Its both of ours home. Its his personal space too. You need to make sure its ok by both of you.

Gowlett · 30/03/2026 16:18

Doodlestar · 30/03/2026 16:16

This is pretty odd, why would you assume that someone who has invited guests to stay with them would not do any preparation for those guests, to the extent of not even providing food for them?
I get that you might want the house clean to your own standards before people stay, but presumably OP's partner is a grown-up and is aware his guests will need to eat...!

Show quote history

Just an assumption, based on my fella!
I’m probably wrong though. A lot of men probably would clean & get food for guests.

Parrotstwice · 30/03/2026 16:18

Doodlestar · 30/03/2026 16:16

This is pretty odd, why would you assume that someone who has invited guests to stay with them would not do any preparation for those guests, to the extent of not even providing food for them?
I get that you might want the house clean to your own standards before people stay, but presumably OP's partner is a grown-up and is aware his guests will need to eat...!

Show quote history

You have a rosy view of men.
In my experience majority of men wont even register that any preoccupied work needs doing for guests ahd it will be left mostly up to you. And you will be societally judged for it if you dont do it and you'll know the guests will probably on some level judge you... so you are forced to do it. And if its been sprung on you at short notice its extra shit

Original poster
FancyBiscuit · 30/03/2026 16:24

In fairness I won't be expected to do anything in terms of buying food in, and DPs standards of cleanliness are arguably higher than mine so I can't complain about that.

Really appreciate everyone's perspectives so far :)

OP posts:
ColdAsAWitches · 30/03/2026 16:26

You won't be there, it's still weeks away, and it's not creating any work for you. I think you're overreacting because it won't affect you in any way.

BoogieTownTop · 30/03/2026 16:28

BollyMolly · 30/03/2026 16:03

You’re not going to be there, so YABU for expecting him to ask you if he can have visitors. I
wouldn’t want people sleeping in my bed or in my bedroom though, so I think you have the right to insist on the spare bedroom.

This

Parrotstwice · 30/03/2026 16:28

FancyBiscuit · 30/03/2026 16:24

In fairness I won't be expected to do anything in terms of buying food in, and DPs standards of cleanliness are arguably higher than mine so I can't complain about that.

Really appreciate everyone's perspectives so far :)

Ah well the prep work would be the biggest issue for me. If your house will be as you'd want it fir visitors anyway then theres less of an issue.
I do still think that as they will be using your bed it would have been polite of him to ask you though

mondaytosunday · 30/03/2026 16:35

I wouldn’t mind except for the part of them using my bedroom. That’s not on.

Catza · 30/03/2026 17:10

I don't really expect to be asked. We often make arrangements for friends to visit and "inform" the other. And there is basically an unspoken rule in our house that guests have our bedroom because it is the only room which is not affected by early morning routine.
I don't do any special cleaning for guests either.
I especially don't care if I am not going to be there at all. The whole town can stay over, as far as I am concerned as long as the house is back to normal when I get home.

TheAutumnCrow · 30/03/2026 17:26

Like hell would a three year be in my bedroom without me supervising every single second! I’ve got valuable stuff in there, in sentimental, financial and work terms.

Hf85 · 30/03/2026 19:46

I think if you’re really honest with yourself it’s the fact that he’s still acting like it’s his house that is bugging you. Speak to him about that.

Nogimachi · 30/03/2026 20:44

If you’re away I don’t see the problem, except if you haven’t previously had guests sleeping in your bed - that needs to be discussed if it’s a new thing.
If he’s expecting you to be there and entertain, or shop and cook for the visit, then it is not right that he didn’t discuss with you prior.

Cantfindafreeusername · 31/03/2026 08:59

Hate to break this to a few of you but …..hotel beds have had people sleep in them before you!!!!! Can’t see what the issue is having people sleep in your bed if the sheets are changed before and after?!? Seems pretty nice and caring of him thinking that there are 3 of them and 1 of him to offer the bigger room rather than saying “really sorry but my partner who is not here but staying in a hotel which has had people sleep in the bed before her doesn’t want people sleeping in her bed so off you pop to the tiny but room!”

Prancingpickle · 31/03/2026 12:00

FancyBiscuit · 30/03/2026 15:57

I found out that (through hearing his side of a phonecall to his sister) that my partner invited his sister, BIL and their 3 y/o stay (one night and 2ish days) with us in a few weeks time. Apparently the plan is for them to have our (partner used the word 'my' on the phone) bedroom rather than spare room because it's bigger.

I'm due to be away on a work trip that weekend so probably won't be there anyway. He arranged this weeks ago but apparently forgot to tell me. When I queried the plan he apologised for not telling me before but quickly moved on.

Very happy to be told AIBU but a few hours later it's still really bugging me. Id be totally happy for them to come but would have really liked to be informed, or ideally asked. Partner lived at flat alone before I moved in just over a year ago and it often still feels like 'his' home rather than ours. Would this bother other people too or do I just need to let it go?

Honestly I don't tell my partner who's coming round or potentially staying if he's away from home.
And when I asked if that bothered him he's said no; and for what it's worth it doesn't bother me when he does it either.

Prancingpickle · 31/03/2026 12:11

Parrotstwice · 30/03/2026 16:18

You have a rosy view of men.
In my experience majority of men wont even register that any preoccupied work needs doing for guests ahd it will be left mostly up to you. And you will be societally judged for it if you dont do it and you'll know the guests will probably on some level judge you... so you are forced to do it. And if its been sprung on you at short notice its extra shit

Show quote history

Wow! You've been with some shitty men! I don't actually know any men like that. All the men I've been with in my life and the men I know all do their fair share of organising things.
In fact me and most of my female friends comment that our men are better at organisation than we are!