AIBU to think my sensitive seven-year-old may need assessment?

[Irishmam2002]

Moved to AIBU as no responses on my other thread.

Hi all, looking for some advice.
I have a beautiful son, 7.5, he’s always been a very sensitive lad. I thought he’d grow out of it but he seems to be getting more sensitive.
He’s bright, very creative, empathetic, never had problems with food. Never had issues with eye contact
Things like this are common for my son-
Hates being in large groups
Hates noise
Doesn’t like lots of people talking at once
Gets overwhelmed easily, lots of sensory issues. We cannot go bowling for example, too many things happening around him, too much noise.
Very clingy with both me and his dad, doesn’t like to be apart from us for a long time
Loves being at home, it’s like home is his safe space. He takes a while for all the big feelings to come out once he’s home.
Hates tags in tops, or clothes that feel funny
He cries a lot, about various things.
He hates the idea of growing up as he wants to stay young forever- the thought of growing up is scary for him.
As a mother, I just KNOW something isn’t “right”, but his teachers have all said they have no concerns at all, they said (and obviously I am happy with this), that he’s a sensitive , quiet, happy boy in school. But as they see no concerns, I can’t get anywhere with a referral.
I have told myself that he’s just sensitive for years now, and will always be sensitive (and there is nothing wrong with that), but if he does have a condition, then I want to give him all the tools needed for him to have a happy and fulfilled life
Is this in my head?

If having him assessed will put your mind at rest then do so, but he sounds to me like a slightly anxious introvert who doesn't like scratchy labels in his tops (who does?).

Thank you @NuffSaidSam

You know him best. Neither primary nor secondary school had any concerns about DC2. They for diagnosed with dyslexia at age 18, 3 months after A-Levels. Then ADHD and autism at age 20, while at uni. I wish I had recognized all this when they were 7 because it would have made both their school experience and the way I brought them up way better.

This was like my son and he was diagnosed with ADHD at 22.

Nobody at school or even the councillor we brought him too ever suggested it.
He didn’t disrupt or cause a fuss but nor did he enjoy or fully take part in school either.
Puberty was awful for him, bigger feelings and more anxiety. I would keep and eye and if you still have concerns aged 10-12 get him assessed before he becomes a teen.

Thanks both

He sounds similar to my 5yo, and my DH has autism and ADHD in his family (not him but his DB and niece, and probably his late DF) so we wouldn't be entirely surprised if he ends up with a diagnosis at some point, but for now we're just focusing on treating him as an individual, bearing in mind his sensitivity but trying to help him in situations he finds challenging. I'm also very sensitive and have struggled with depression and anxiety, but I think that's more down to my parents criticising my sensitivity and dismissing my worries rather than actually engaging with me as a person. With more attuned parenting I think I'd have been much better (wouldn't we all?).

We need sensitive people in this world just love him for what he is rather than labelling him. What difference would a label make in your parenting?

@Thistooshallpsss I absolutely agree, we don’t dismiss his sensitivity at all, we’re very big on talking about big feelings and we tell him all feelings are normal and don’t put him in situations where he is uncomfortable. The world needs more of him in my opinion.
The reason is partly education more than just normal home life. I’ve read so much about kids struggling once they hit puberty or start high school.
Also I was the same as him as a child. My parents dismissed my feelings totally, (similar to what @SillyQuail said) and as a result I’m still working on stuff 40 years later. I want to know if he does have a condition, then how can we help him. I want him to live his absolute best life!

There is a good (free) tool online which you can use to investigate his sensory profile. The results might be a good framework for talking to the school and deciding if you want further assessment https://sensory.semh.co.uk/

Assessment waiting list here is 4 years, so if concerned it's probably a good idea to bring it up sooner rather than later.

He sounds very much like my ds, who is older. His presentation is a more traditionally female version - no angry explosions at school but smiling, coping, masking and then the fall out at home. All questionnaire things have suggested that he's on the cusp, so it's quite unclear without a full on assessment from professionals, which we're waiting for.

What difference would a label make in your parenting? The answer is probably not a lot, as it sounds like op is very aware of what does and does not work. But in terms of life, a label (even if "awaiting assessment for") is a shortcut to helping others understand and grant a bit of grace. Ds has ear defenders, early exit pass and access as needed to a nurture type area at high school and these make a big difference. High school is often where the wheels fall off, so if anything can be put in place before it gets to that stage, it's hugely beneficial.

Personally, I'd set the ball rolling via GP if you can and try to find out if there is anything there.

I think if you have a niggling feeling then you probably should.
My DD went through primary and secondary school without anyone suggesting that she should be assessed for anything.
School didn't know she'd been through CAHMS twice and they had suggested an ASD assessment (which she had refused).
Finally assessed aged 17 (privately paid) and she is indeed autistic.
I had a niggle from childhood too. She's a fantastic person, creative, sensitive, but has struggled with OCD, anxiety and lots of sensory issues and hasn't found peer relationships easy to navigate. It's less of a label than a key to understanding - she has been hugely empowered by knowing this about herself.

Your son presents very much like my daughter. I knew from a very early age, and she was later diagnosed with autism and ADHD in Year 5.
School hadn’t recognised any signs at all even though I asked at every parents’ evening - until her Year 4 teacher really saw her and agreed we seek an assessment. That moment made such a difference.

Interestingly, I also would have said she had no difficulty with eye contact, until one day she told me she looks just above people’s eyes rather than directly at them. I genuinely wouldn’t have known.

If you can, I would really encourage you to seek an assessment.

For us, the biggest thing wasn’t the label- it was the understanding and validation that came with it. It helped my daughter make sense of herself, and it helped us (and school) support her in the right way.

Having that understanding earlier can make a real difference to mental health. Without it, children can grow up feeling different without knowing why, and that can chip away at confidence. With it, they can begin to see themselves as they are and know that they are ok.

Sensory processing disorder?

What are you thinking?

You havebt lisfed any asd or adhd things

Sensory processing disorder?

What are you thinking?

You havebt lisfed any asd or adhd things

Possibly.
Don't agree with you that this list has no ASD/ADHD traits on it.
My DD is autistic and I would say we have seen most of these behaviours.

You may have- (mine is asd too)
but its the sensory issue listed which without any asd /adhd signs is just sensory processing
(asd obviously has sensory issues as one of concerns but theres like 5 things
communication
sensory
repetitive behaviours/stims/limited interest

which op hasnt said. (Yet)

Its hard to know the difference between a sensitive, shy child, and one who is ND. My DD was similar to your son, anxious at parties, balloons popping etc, teacher had to do extra things for changing teachers etc than with other kids. Extremely shy, even at home. She was my 3rd DC, and my boys were more extroverted. Her dad and I are both extroverts and I just thought she was a shy child. It wasn’t really until around 13, I just messaged my ex one day and said do you think DD could be ND, and he said he had thought she could be for many years.

She is 18 now, and I do think she is, and it was suggested at an appt for something else that she had many traits (food is an issue, very hyper focussed, for example went to hating school and trying anything for a day off to completely obsessing at GCSE stage and revising hours a day and getting all 9’s). Would not even take an hour off.

I do wish i’d have realised sooner. She is taking a gap year now before uni. She just isn’t ready. When we went to visit Oxford uni, she was obsessed over which colleges had their own kitchen so she could cook her very limited menu of food that she eats. It’s so obvious now when I look back at the signs, but surely there are still shy DC who struggle with social interactions etc who are not ND? If DD is ND, she is coping with it. I did raise it when the hospital suggested it and said she could get help at uni, but then they never suggested how to take it forward. I think DD probably knows she is ND. I’d get him tested.

Dd's school didn't notice anything either, until she stopped going due to burnout. She was finally diagnosed a month ago, aged 9 and on her third phase of burnout/ ebsa. If you have concerns, get him referred before academic and social demands begin to outstrip his capacity to cope. I'd also recommend engaging the school senco and asking what further support they may need to put in place for him based on his sensory differences.

My dd was referred at 7 but didn’t meet thresholds. Finally diagnosed ashd at 14 (privately), wheels fell
off around 12. Also most probably asd. Awaiting re referral for that.

I am actually beginning to think my eldest who is 18 may be asd. Model child on the face of it but certain things fit the profile of an asd girl.

@greenmarsupial thank you for that. I’ve attached the results and it seems it’s mostly auditory? If I am reading it right. It’s true most of his issues are loud noises, groups of people (so it’s loud), he doesn’t like music or music being played (unless it’s from a film he likes). This is good to work from though. Thank you

So he’s ok with some loud music? If he likes the context. So there’s an element of choice here then. I don’t know how you do it, but seeking quieter spaces is perhaps the way forward? School
is presumably the biggest challenge so I’d talk to the SENDCO about strategies to help.

I am a teacher and mum of a DC who was diagnosed with ADHD and ASD at 7.

Despite what the government would like to be the case, schools do NOT in the main have the expertise to diagnose types of SEN nor to suggest them. Schools' job is to meet needs as they encounter them. Would you want an inexpert person diagnosing, anyway?

It's up to the parents to observe their child closely and to advocate for them - especially if the child's not behind academically. I'm not saying that's right or how it should be, but it's how it is.

The IPSEA website is a good place to start to get more informed.

I mean you might be lucky with the SENCO. But you need to build knowledge on your side first.

A lot of things you say match with my daughter who is autistic.

I disagree with a PP who asked what the point in labelling him was. No, it won’t make any difference to your parenting but it may be validating to your child to know there’s nothing “wrong” with them and to better understand himself and his needs as he grows up.

Sounds like autism to me (I have one with adhd and it doesn’t sound like this) - pay privately if you can as NHS have very long waiting Lists.