AIBU to think my sensitive seven-year-old may need assessment?

[Irishmam2002]

Moved to AIBU as no responses on my other thread.

Hi all, looking for some advice.
I have a beautiful son, 7.5, he’s always been a very sensitive lad. I thought he’d grow out of it but he seems to be getting more sensitive.
He’s bright, very creative, empathetic, never had problems with food. Never had issues with eye contact
Things like this are common for my son-
Hates being in large groups
Hates noise
Doesn’t like lots of people talking at once
Gets overwhelmed easily, lots of sensory issues. We cannot go bowling for example, too many things happening around him, too much noise.
Very clingy with both me and his dad, doesn’t like to be apart from us for a long time
Loves being at home, it’s like home is his safe space. He takes a while for all the big feelings to come out once he’s home.
Hates tags in tops, or clothes that feel funny
He cries a lot, about various things.
He hates the idea of growing up as he wants to stay young forever- the thought of growing up is scary for him.
As a mother, I just KNOW something isn’t “right”, but his teachers have all said they have no concerns at all, they said (and obviously I am happy with this), that he’s a sensitive , quiet, happy boy in school. But as they see no concerns, I can’t get anywhere with a referral.
I have told myself that he’s just sensitive for years now, and will always be sensitive (and there is nothing wrong with that), but if he does have a condition, then I want to give him all the tools needed for him to have a happy and fulfilled life
Is this in my head?

The school don't have to have outright concerns as such - they fill out a form with loads of questions and for nearly every child there is something mildly interesting that comes out of that. Coupled with your concerns, it is probably enough for the referral to go through. I've only ever known one to be refused. You can also go via the GP where I am if school won't start the process, although as a SENCO I have never so far turned a parent down - I'm not there to gatekeep medical services, I'm not a doctor and can't diagnose.

Parenting? Nothing probably as OP seems very tuned in to his individualities.

But for school and the wider world it could help to explain potential difficulties.

OP - your son has many traits that mine did at that age. Because he was adopted, a lot of this was attributed to Attachment issues by CAMHS and the EP.

I didn't feel this was right and did push for more via the school, but didn't get anywhere. He was eventually diagnosed ASD at 20 and is three years into a wait for an ADHD assessment.

My advice - carry on as you are, you seem to be very clued up. Parent him as if he is ASD etc., keep a look out for triggers and try and stay one step ahead.

I think you can ask for a referral via the GP if the school won't.

He sounds a lot like my DS, who is 10 now, but school flagged around the age of 8, and he now has a diagnosis of ADHD and possible ASD. (I'm not in UK, so possibly different pathway to diagnosis there.) Medication has been a gamechanger for my DS, so I personally believe it's a good thing to get a diagnosis as early as possible. It also helps school to understand him, and he now is in a gifted program with many other similar "quirky" kids and doing very well.

My 7 year old is quite like your son. Very sensitive and clingy. At home she doesn’t like being in separate rooms to a grown up. We’ve had to really work at getting her to brush her teeth without one of us in the bathroom for example. She will often cry going into school but once she’s there has good friends and gets on with it. She gets very upset over things but she’s also very perceptive and observant.

I think sensitive children notice a lot but can’t always understand or process what they’re picked up. She will think and observe and often over thinks so is slow to start anything. I have wondered about whether there is something else going on but I just think she’s an introvert in an extrovert’s world. She would probably love home schooling for example whereas it would zap the life out of my other child.

However, while I think mine is just sensitive, there is obviously something that is worrying you a bit more with your child so I’d trust your instincts and try and push for a referral. Chances are with the waiting list, it’ll be a couple of years so you’ll be in a better position going into secondary if you know either way.

Thanks all. A lot to think about.
I did contact the GP, and they said they wouldn’t do anything unless they had a referral from the school, and the school can’t see any issues. Maybe as he gets older it was become more obvious to them, OR he’ll just remain sensitive and that’s it. I’ll be keeping a very close eye, and will make sure I do everything I can for him.
He really is a lovely soul, so I just want him to be happy

• 3 of 3 symptoms must be present [1] Deficits in social, emotional reciprocity ranging for example from abnormal social approach and failure of normal back-and-forth conversation to reduced sharing of interests, emotions or affect to failure to indicate or respond to social interactions. [2] Deficits in non-verbal communicative behaviours used for social interaction, ranging for example from poorly integrated verbal and non-verbal communication to abnormalities in eye contact and body language or deficits in understanding and use of gestures, to a total lack of facial expressions and non-verbal communication. [3] Deficits in developing, maintaining and understanding relationships ranging for example from difficulties adjusting behaviour to suit various social contexts, to difficulties in sharing imaginative play or in making friends to absence of interest in peers. •

2 of 4 symptoms must be present [1] Stereotyped or repetitive motor movements, use of objects, or speech (e.g. simple motor stereotypes, lining up toys or flipping objects, echolalia, idiosyncratic phrases). [2] Insistence on sameness, inflexible adherence to routines or ritualized patterns of verbal or non-verbal behaviour (e.g. extreme distress at small changes , difficulties with transitions, rigid thinking patterns, greeting rituals, need to take same route or eat same food every day). [3] Highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intensity or focus (e.g. strong attachment to or preoccupation with unusual objects, excessively circumscribed or perseverative interests). [4] Hyper or hyperactivity to sensory input or unusual interests in sensory aspects of the environment (e.g. apparent indifference to pain/temperature, adverse response to specific sounds or textures, excessive smelling or touching of objects, visual fascination with lights or movement).

[C] Symptoms must be present in the early developmental period (but may not become fully manifest until social demands exceed limited capacities, or may be masked by learned strategies in later life).

[D] Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social occupational or other important areas of current functioning.

[E] These disturbances are not better explained by intellectual disability (intellectual developmental disorder) or global developmental delay. Intellectual disability and autism spectrum disorder frequently co-occur, to make comorbid diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder and intellectual disability social communication should be below that expected for general developmental level.

Im not saying hes not autistic but this is what they use to diagnose. It maybe just op is only listing the sensory stuff

I am very sensitive to sound ( I have autism and ADHD). I can hear a pin drop at 100 paces and whenever I get my hearing tested, I get raised eyebrows due to how good it is. However, if there is any background noise or if someone has a strong accent, I won’t understand a thing.

I would self refer to CAMHS. It can take 3+ yrs to get an assessment, and the sooner you get on the waiting list the better. DS was referred 5 times by GP and school before CAMHS accepted the referral, but that only got him to the start of the waiting list. For DS the wheels fell off big time when he transitioned to secondary. Even if you know what's going on with your DC, it can still be very hard to get support (and more support might be needed at secondary).

Can I please ask how someone would get their child tested and diagnosed with ADHD or autism? Would it need to be a GP referral? Thanks

It depends on your area.

The GP should know though.

Can you afford a private assessment? There's still a wait, but at least you don't go round in circles with school "not seeing anything". Ours strangely could see plenty after diagnosis!

Make sure the assessment service works to NICE guidelines and seek recommendations if you can.

When we found somewhere suitable it turned out to be a well.known charity in the local SEN community.

Sensitive is a label, difficult is a label, naughty is a label. ASD is a diagnosis and while it might not impact parenting hugely now it may impact many things as he gets older and the differences become more obvious.

Teachers are very poor at picking up ASD in well behaved kids IME OP, they're not trained of course so it's not really surprising. DS wasn't picked up till almost Secondary school age, no one ever suggested it. They then got someone to observe him and the first thing she spotted was that he put his hands over his hears when the noise got loud in assembly.

Things often become much more tricky at secondary school for kids with ASD. DS's school made out he was a model pupil (which he generally was) in the paperwork they had to fill out, it didn't prevent him getting an NHS diagnosis.

Would school get someone in from SENDIAS to observe him? That's what happened with my DS. Honestly, schools as gatekeepers to diagnosis is a terrible, terrible idea. If DS's teacher hadn't gone on an ASD course and just wondered based on one thing he said DS might never have got a diagnosis and we'd still be trying to navigate life with him with no idea what his issue was.

It doesn’t sound like he could ‘just’ be a sensitive soul. For autism, he would need to meet criteria in the areas of social communication and interaction (so things like two way conversations, initiating interactions, recognising social cues, making and maintaining friendships, non verbal communication). Do you have any concerns in these areas?

@Savvysix1984 he’s got a lovely little group of friends. A mix of a few types. Some seem a bit more grown up than him, some seem more childish than him.
When he’s comfortable he can really hold his own, super funny, talks loads, makes up mega creative games, but if he’s uncomfortable it just all comes out of his eyes and lots of crying. Social cues he picks up on fine, he’s always been able to read people and read the room and bad vibes. I think he’ll be a good judge of character.
My aunty started talking to us in a shop, and he doesn’t really know her and she was talking to him, but he couldn’t look her in the eye and was clearly uncomfortable but anyone he knows and is comfortable around, he’s great. Very engaging and loves a chat.
Hes had a big cry tonight as he was drawing, and it wasn’t turning out like he wanted so his world came crashing down. He just wants things to be perfect straight away.

F

It sounds like they might be highly sensitive which isn’t a diagnosis as such but describes how some people are wired to process things more deeply than others.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/zero-to-six/202202/10-traits-of-highly-sensitive-children

DS's eye contact is fine with people he knows. Just like your son it drops away when he is anxious or uncomfortable.

Perfectionism is also a common trait in autism, it comes from a need for order, managing anxiety and is an example of black and white thinking.

TBH the more you say OP the more boxes he's ticking IMO. There may be many other things you just haven't recognised as being relevant to an ASD diagnosis, it's easy when they're young to put things down to their age or being an only child, I know i did.

@facethemusical thank you

I’ve had a chat with my husband and I’ll be speaking to school when he’s back to start a referral, following on from something that happened yesterday, and from stuff my son has said to me as well. We’ll go private it if takes too long.
Thanks for all the advice, it’s given me the push I needed