AIBU to tell my close friend I have feelings?

[Sunshineallsummer]

Hey!

just posting here for some advice really!

I’ve got a male friend who I’ve known for about 5 years. We worked together, gradually became closer and closer and now we’re best friends. We regularly spend time together outside of work, would spend lunch together at work and message a lot outside of work. We don’t work together anymore but have kept up the friendship.

the thing is I actually really like him and have got feelings for him. We just click really well- I’ve never met someone I get along with so well. We have a laugh and banter and we just click really well.

I’m just so, so worried to tell him in case it spoils our friendship. I don’t know if he has feelings for me but he’s such a great friend I would hate to lose him if I told him how I feel.

has anyone ever had similar? If so, did you tell him and did it go well or did you regret it? Thanks😅

If you’re brave you could tell him, but as you say, if he doesn’t feel the same way then friendship may become awkward.
Personally, I’d start getting a bit touchy- freely, put your hand on his arm when you’re talking, that kind of thing. Body language hints, more eye contact, and see if he gets the message that way.
Why do you think nothing has happened up until now? 5 years is a long time for neither of you not to make a move.

Unless he’s given any indication of feeling the same, don’t do it. I was madly in love with my best friend. He and I did everything together. I did make it clear how I felt at one point and he basically told me he saw me as a friend and didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Which I was ok with, just disappointed.

Then one day he told me he had feelings for me and my boyfriend was right to be jealous. He kissed me and we talked about plans for the future. Then before I even had chance to think about what I actually wanted, he called me and said he was going to stay away from me for a while - then he just stopped replying to me, and I guess what you call these days “ghosted” me.

I never did work out what I did wrong to go from being the person each other went to about everything to never hearing from him again.

I have always missed his friendship and thoroughly regret anything “more” happening. Even if it was just a kiss.

Before I get told off, yes I told my boyfriend what happened.

Is he single?

If so, tell him. You won't move on until you do. If he's a decent bloke, you won't lose the friendship regardless, and if he's not, then you've not lost anything in the long term.

You could approach it casually, all him in a general way if he thinks you'd be a good partner or good shag. Or you're thinking of making a dating profile any input, something casual low key not a "I've got something to tell you" etc

If he liked you in that way surely he'd have been flirting and something would've happened by now romantically or sexually?

Men don't usually fancy a woman and have five year platonic friendships with them without ever letting that be known.

I'm not saying don't tell him how you feel. But be prepared he may not feel the same. I would hope you could accept this romantic rebuffal and continue the friendship but only you and him can know if that's the case.

Thanks for the advice!

sorry I probably wasn’t clear- we haven’t been close friends for 5 years, it’s probably closer to 18 months. It’s just 5 years ago was when I first met him and we started working together, we weren’t really close at first but gradually became closer

I really want to say something to him but just so worried it would ruin our friendship😬 such a tough decision!

It will ruin the friendship. You have romantic feelings for him.

If he's single, say something. If he's not, distance yourself.

It's not really a friendship if you're pining away in the background (or foreground, as it sounds). It's not good for you – it'll be stopping you from finding someone else meaningful and if he gets into a relationship, it will be very hurtful to you.

In the words of Taylor Swift: My advice is to always ruin the friendship, better that than regret it for all time.

Assuming you are both single I'd say tell him but be aware that if he's not romantically into you then you'll lose him as a friend. I think though, you probably need that to give you a chance to move on. Otherwise you have his friendship but spend so long investing your time and emotions in him that you never meet anyone else.

You've left a massive detail out - are you both single?

Rather than going from friends to telling him, you need to introduce some middle steps! A night out at an atmospheric, more romantic restaurant. Testing the water with little comments. I hope it works out for you :-)

I agree with this. Drop hints and let him make the move. I confessed feelings to a friend 20 years ago and the humiliation of the rejection still haunts me! I learned that if a man hasn't made the move then he doesn't like you like that. Just drop enough hints, flirt etc so that he is clear he's safe to go ahead

2nd post by you and yet to tell us if you are both single....

Can’t believe I forgot to put it in my OP sorry but yeah we’re both single!

Ah good idea thank you so much! I’ll need to get thinking of how I could drop hints. I really like him and would hate to risk our friendship. Do you mind me asking, I’m assuming from you saying about rejection and humiliation that your friend said he didn’t like you back, did you guys stay friends afterwards or was that the friendship over? X

Oh I think you should say something. You won’t be able to make these feelings go away so you may as well find out. He might feel the same way!

I am similar but my friend is a woman and single. Sadly I’m married to a husband.

Then go for it.

Yeah, that's a load of bollocks. Plenty of men are complete rubbish at making a move, myself included. My love life would have been much crapper had I not known a few women significantly braver than me.

I was fine at chatting up a random on a night out, but absolutely god awful at making the first move when it was someone I already knew and liked.

If you like someone, tell them, don't get caught up in some rubbish that it should be the man doing the asking.

But you won't be the same friends if he doesn't feel the same. How does every poster responding know this...
We've all been there at some time. But you can waste years wondering and never form other relationships because you are waiting for a signal. That's the real down side, not the chance of rejection, the wasted time if yiu fear rejection. If you stay friends and never do anything your future boyfriends will either struggle with your intimacy with him, or you won't have future boyfriends because they will never compare to what you think it would be like with him.
So make the move. Good luck.

Ask him what he thinks of the Taylor Swift song where she sings “my advice is always ruin the friendship, better than to regret it for all time.”

This.

I’m in the same situation as @Bright0nian and will be telling the (surprised, straight afaik!) woman the next time she suggests meeting up etc. It’s not a friendship really if one of you is torturing yourself pining after the person.

Oh god really? You’re going to tell her? I’d love to know how it goes. Obviously thought about doing it a hundred times in my dreams but never would

I am. Because the friendship is going to go down the pan anyway, since every time she doesn’t text me back fast enough / signs messages with one x instead of two / mentions her boyfriend, I feel like I’m 14 years old. This needs to end. It’s completely consuming me.

For context, I filed for divorce from DH a few months ago, in part because I realise that I want to date women - if not her that’s very sad but so be it. There’s a bit of backstory involving this woman and a massive health scare I had, and suddenly seeing her in this way. And I did tell her about seeing myself with women from this point.

So I’m bracing myself for the most awkward of awkward conversations but I don’t see how else to do this.

Can you go out for a couple of drinks and flirt and possibly kiss him ?

Yes I'm married to my best friend. We were besties for about a year first. We would drop hints and be flirty with each other though. Does yours ever do that with you? We ended up sleeping together and I figured it was just that and no more but that I was in love with him. One day he was talking about how he can't wait until his wedding day that he'd cry when he saw his bride and I had to walk away because I was going to cry as I really believed it wouldn't be me.
Well one day he blurted out that he loved me out of nowhere and that he wanted it all, marriage, to grow old together. I was so shocked I had a panic attack and cried my eyes out. I told him I loved him too of course and we've been together for 12 years, married 9. He's my absolute bestie still and we never fall out. I adore him.
Go for it OP.