To not have told him?

[sarahtsq]

I was sterilised in 2020. I assumed it failed as I had a miscarriage in 2022. I thought it was a one off, til I started having weird symptoms. It was put down to IBS. I started taking the pill just in case.

met a guy in January. Told him I was sterilised. Explained it was reversible if we wanted kids in future. Didn’t go into detail as we had only just met!

2 weeks (and a sigmoidoscopy later) it confirmed to have failed. In conversation I mentioned my pill and he asked why I was on it if I was sterilised. So I explained it had failed.

he dumped me the following month, saying I’d lied by omission and it was a red flag he couldn’t come back from. (He has trust issues). He wasn’t bothered what contraception I was on, he felt I had lied to him and hidden the failure from him. Even though I was on the pill the entire time.

there’s many other issues not related to this but this was apparently the one thing I did wrong.

i don’t feel it was that wrong to not tell someone in the first 2 weeks? In my head it’s irrelevant as I’m on contraception either way, and I told him when it was confirmed. I suppose I could’ve told him sooner but why?

This was explained to the OP over and over on her last thread.

Not sure why she can't or won't understand it.

So it would appear the OP has posted this previously??
Im not going mad??
but I've been deleted for asking that earlier in the thread
This place is bonkers

I didn’t know it had failed when I first told him. I assumed the miscarriage was a freak incident not that it would mean I could continue to get pregnant. It was only after investigation that I found out it had completely failed and pregnancy was an option. I was on the pill the whole time just in case. I was also clear that sterilisations weren’t 100% the first time I met him.

I don't believe you.

And I understand why he wouldn't, either.

Yes it's so weird because your post has been deleted, yet it's still there in my quote?

Either way I agree it was a bonkers deletion.

You broke no talk guidelines at all. It was just a polite question.

You haven’t done anything wrong technically, but a miscarriage is a pretty big sign that your sterilisation had failed and I can understand that if he has trust issues he can’t necessarily be reassured that you have taken the pill properly, especially if you’ve not mentioned the possibly having failed bit. But on the other hand you should both be using condoms if you’ve just met anyway.

She knew it had failed as she got pregnant before meeting this guy. I’m not a doctor but the pregnancy was a big give away it hasn’t worked.

You lied end of.

He should've been able to trust you were on the pill but with men getting blamed even if women say they're on the pill when they're not and getting pregnant I don't blame him for being angry. You basically tricked him. He doesn't know if you're trustworthy enough to take the pill consistently and men are called idiots for trusting women in this situation. So he's not trusting you!

Also-

met a guy in January. Told him I was sterilised. Explained it was reversible if we wanted kids in future. Didn’t go into detail as we had only just met!

Why on earth did you get sterilised if you were thinking of possibly wanting kids in the future?! It's all adding up to looking like you might pull an "accident" on him isn't it?

There was no point in telling him you had been sterilised in the first place OP. Why do that when you knew you were still fertile?

Yes you are wrong

Why would you assume that?

Becoming pregnant after sterilisation means it hasn’t worked.

You knew damn fine it had failed

You lied to him. Of course he's gone.

Yabu as you should have been honest before sleeping with him, you told him you were sterilised knowing that actually the sterilisation had failed as you'd become pregnant and had a miscarriage since the procedure. You should have just been honest and said you was on the pill.

thank u for the replies. When I had the miscarriage they told me it was a “chemical pregnancy” and not to worry about it because it happens to “everyone”. So I didn’t know what it was. Googled it and came to the conclusion that it was something that could happen even if sterilised because it didn’t implant? Clearly I am very much mistaken. I then had to have procedures for other reasons in the area and it was confirmed the sterilisation had failed (this was 2 weeks after meeting him). I had already started the pill as a precaution after the miscarriage so I didn’t see it was relevant.

i didn’t want any more children. Hence being sterilised. We were having a conversation about kids as he didn’t have any, he said he would’ve liked them but it was too late, I said I didn’t want any bur I did point out that sterilisation could be reversed and could also fail. Once I knew it failed, I told him it was fine as I was on the pill.

not sure how it’s any different to him meeting another woman on the pill… contraception is contraception. The failure rate for sterilisation is 1 in 200, though with my particular kind it seems a lot more common (lots of class action law suits going on).

we should’ve used condoms I agree. He said he’d been tested, I had too. But still should have.

i don’t understand why he waited 2 months after to end it, or why he continued sleeping with me 3 times a week if he couldn’t trust me and it was such an issue.

New boyfriend. I would have used condoms and the pill and stated so.

Maybe it's not the 'lie' as such but that your stories sound hard to be clear about.

Maybe he broke up because he prefers a partner with a more direct, succinct communication style. He realised you were not suited to each other.

But that’s the thing, at the time I didn’t fully know it had failed. Ah well, he called me a Cnut, made a million other excuses and left anyway.

Yeah, I wouldn’t be sticking around either. If I had met a man who told me he’d had a vasectomy but didn’t mention that it had failed, I’d be considering it a huge red flag
and exiting stage left.

@sarahtsq I don’t understand why you mentioned it at all, if a) it was reversible and b) you were taking the pill.

He should be using a condom as well.

I think you went in too heavy too fast and there was no need to. That’s why you were dumped.

. If you were pregnant then it was possible for sperm to get through. That could not be a freak or a one off incident. He would be alarmed that you can't see that, if you really believed it.

Quite honestly I would have dumped you too.

If you can talk about sterilisation and talk about it being reversible/kids in the first two weeks you can certainly tell him the moment it failed. You didn't. That's awful behaviour from you and you shouldn't be deflecting it on him by saying he had "trust issues" any way.

I can completely understand your logic but the optics don’t look great to the other person. Obviously it wasn’t meant to be with him. You now do know what you know. So onwards and upwards.

Not sure why you told him half a story, surely in the conversation about being sterilised & it being reversible, you should have mentioned it failed so were taking the pill?

Possibly a bit of an over dramatic reaction by him, but can see his point.

What a prick. You only found out for sure it failed after you started seeing him?

???? Given she was pregnant 2 years after, that is when she found out it failed. Was quite the give away really.

We had the conversation on the second date, it was not a conversation I was trying to have!

I was told it was a chemical pregnancy, which led me to think it wasn’t something that would keep happening. Clearly I was wrong.

i found out it had failed after having a minor op (for a different reason) and then I told him, roughly 2 weeks maybe less into the relationship.

he has trust issues from his past that’s why I say that, he freely admits he can’t trust anybody and that everyone has always left him etc.