Adult children with no social life

[LumenLights]

How common is this, in your experience?

Would you worry about your son or daughter if they entered adulthood without any friends or a social circle?

I know people like this, who are well educated, work full time in professional roles with decent pay and who are “normal” in every other sense. But they have spent their twenties and now their early thirties alone. They’ve never had a holiday with friends, never have plans to meet up with anyone for a drink or go out with and are always single. Never been invited to a wedding or a party and generally do everything alone.

Would you be concerned about the future for someone like this? Or is it much more common than people would believe?

Some of this is sort of normal.

i have young adult dc and fewer and fewer people seem to drink. My dc don’t really go to pubs of parties as such, and they can’t really afford to go on holidays either on their own or with friends. I take them away every now and then.

but they do socialise and have friends - both dc are musical and are involved with music groups and one dc also volunteers for a political party.

do these people live at home with their parents or are they in shared houses or their own flats?

I would wory.
My dc is 20 - 21 soon & lives in university accommodation & had a wide circle of friends & a good social life alongside studying & working part time

I would be concerned too.

I don’t think it’s necessarily good to have no friends and do everything alone (unless by choice and they’re not looking for friends) but it’s definitely normal for young people these days not to be able to afford to go out a lot for dinner and drinks and holidays are off the table for lots of people so that in itself isn’t abnormal.

I would push towards joining social circles in their various hobbies if they’re looking to make more friends but struggling though!

Yes, it would worry me, honestly. Not an issue at all if a young person doesn't like going out to pubs or parties etc - fine if they don't enjoy that. But not having any type of social life or any friends would be a concern.

I think it would depend if they're happy or not. If they're both bothered, I wouldn't be either.

The main question is how they feel about it. Some autistic people for example can be very happy having a very different type of social life and it can look more like this. However they will often still be very close to a family member or one friend/partnet. But may be happy to be mostly alone. The important thing is how it’s affecting them.

For most of us we need other people.

My DS's experience is that school friends drifted away as priorities and interests changed and he's found it hard to meet new friends. I genuinely don't how people in their 20s get to know new people in an increasingly isolated world.

That would worry me enormously, especially if they did not seem to be happy. I’d assume they were neurodivergent.

I’m in my 50s and didn’t really have any friends until my late 40s (brief periods when I was a drinker but they were drinking buddies. I stopped when I was 30) - only online ones.

i am AuDHD though and before I was diagnosed at 50, I was the ‘weird’ one and it was too complicated negotiating any type of relationship

I have now met ‘my people’ though - they accept me for me and, I think they may be ND too!

They boomerang - have spent years living independently but often come back. They work away 2-3 weeks a month so they’re now living with parents for the week or so when they’re not travelling for work.

There’s no issues with their independence or ability to cope. But I do wonder who they would talk to if they lived alone.

But then I grew up in an era where it was okay not to have friends and parents didn’t generally choreograph our lives in the same way. (and probably didn’t worry about friendship dramas as much as now)

My parents never knew that I spent every lunchtime at secondary school locked in the loo with a book for example.

Please don’t worry if they are not unhappy. I lived alone for 20 years. It depends on your personality I suppose. I have never understood how people can live and sleep with someone 🤣

Not drinking is very normal for young people now so cross that off your list.

Having online friends as well as real life friends is also normal. However, having no RL friends is something I would worry about.

Are they working or studying?

And also it’s never been easier to get friends, with social media and the internet in general allowing people to connect from all over the world

Now worried that people were thinking all kinds about me! 🙈

It is only a concern if they are unhappy. If they are happy with their own company, that’s actually a good thing - I know people who can’t be on their own for more than a few hours and tend to feel very lonely

i was single for 15 years. Flings no one really knew about. I had drinking buddies and went out on work night outs, but not many friends I could just pop round to. My parents didn’t know anything about my social life! But most weekends I didn’t see anyone.

I am quirky and shy to start with, so was never the person people thought of first. Had uni and school friends. But I live 300 miles away, so only phone calls.

I now have found my tribe. Still maybe go out 1 or 2 times a month. I have a parter. People think I am social at work, but reality I am shy and just can’t to be alone.

Yes i worry about my adult ds. He has a girlfriend but no childhood friends (unhappy at school and missed out on socialising with other families as I was divorced). He’s like me, I don’t really need people but as I have a sociable dh I have to make the effort, and my friends enrich my life. I just feel sad as I think he’d have loved to have a few close friends. Doesn’t help that his sister has an amazing social life.

My DS is like this. Has friends he is in touch with but doesn't actually meet up. Says he is not interested in a relationship as it's too much like hard work. It's all about work and saving for a house deposit. Appears to be happy.

Of course you worry - I have a family member like this. But we come from one side of the family where lots of the men are introvert and shy. You cant change someone. It's tricky. On one level they need much fewer friends and social interactions then I do. He has hobbies he does by himself and has had a couple of long term relationships - with lovely and quite extrovert people who fill the silence. You kind of have to trust people will find their way but also be aware if living back at the parental home is allowing them to fester then you sometimes have to shove them out the nest.

Yes, I agree. Some people are not suited to being young. Maybe, by nature, they are introverted, hate noise and drama, or have simply matured quicker than their peers. My brother was like that. He had a really miserable time in his teens and twenties, partly because my father couldn’t understand him and kept pressuring him to go out and ‘have fun’. I think he experienced a lot of shame as well.

There was nothing wrong with him. He just wasn’t cut out for being young. It took him time to find his place. He’s still very introverted, and still hates stress and noise, but he’s extremely good company. He has a small circle of friends who share his love of art and literature, and he’s far more sociable now than he was in his twenties. Whereas the loud, confident, popular kids from our town have grown into tubby, boring middle-aged men who aren’t interested in anything. My brother was no good at being young, and they’re no good at being middle-aged!

When I was in my 20s - early 40s I had a circle of friends, enjoyed socialising and going out. But i lived alone, intended never to have children, and also enjoyed my own company. I have never had the slightest difficulty in amusing myself. Ive also travelled very widely and solo. As I grew older and returned to education I spent much time stufying and spent less and less on purely social activities. Now having retired I really appreciate my own company and dont feel that I want or need to see other people, Apart from one or two regular visitors I actively avoid seeing other people or having to make the head space for them.

I don’t think it’s normal. I had no friends in my 20s and none now. It’s not a preference, I’m just not who people choose. I’ve been married twice, but I think the idea of me is better than the reality. I’ve no advice (obviously!) but do talk to him and ask if he’s happy. Go from there.

I have a nephew who is like this. He is 20 and has no friends. He’s never drunk alcohol either (literally never drunk a drop). He’s a very good-looking boy, and sweet natured. He isn’t particularly shy either, though he is very quiet. I spoke to him about it once and he said he doesn’t really like people. I’m a bit like that myself, as are a lot of the men on my mum’s side. I think he’s just a quiet, introverted, low energy sort of person who finds being around groups of young people overwhelming. He’s also a very mature lad - intelligent and thoughtful.

A lot of young people take time to find their ‘tribe’. Unfortunately, some young people don’t fit in anywhere. They’re not clever, not into music or fashion, not gamers, not sporty, and not comfortable with the loud partygoers either. Sadly, it’s often the most likeable young people who end up lost. Tim, for example, in The Office, is lonely, whereas Gareth (who is an odious prat) has a big group of friends.

My brother was very introverted and had a hard time in his teens and twenties. But he had a passion for literature and art, and that had helped in later life. He now belongs to book groups and has a small circle of like-minded friends he can talk poetry and painting with. I worry about my nephew because, though he’s bright, he doesn’t seem interested in anything. I really think that’s the key.

Not every has or wants a large group of friends, though. So having less friends and socialising less than your dc is not necessarily a concern.