Adult children with no social life

[LumenLights]

How common is this, in your experience?

Would you worry about your son or daughter if they entered adulthood without any friends or a social circle?

I know people like this, who are well educated, work full time in professional roles with decent pay and who are “normal” in every other sense. But they have spent their twenties and now their early thirties alone. They’ve never had a holiday with friends, never have plans to meet up with anyone for a drink or go out with and are always single. Never been invited to a wedding or a party and generally do everything alone.

Would you be concerned about the future for someone like this? Or is it much more common than people would believe?

My parents have friends whose son is like that, except that he is already in his forties. He’s an engineer in an extremely well-paid position, but works his weekly 40 hours in four days and then drives about 300 km to spend the rest of the week with his parents. Has always spent all holidays with them, too. They do feel worried because they are both in their late 70s and wonder who he will spend his time with when they’re gone

You described my daughter who’s 23. I am concerned

My 2 DDs are in their 20s and are both like this; and, yes, I do worry about them. Eldest DD has one friend that she meets up with once every couple of months or so, and has been on holiday once with her. Other than that, she has no social life at all.
Youngest DD moved away when she started Uni and has made no friends where she lives now. She does try and meet up with an old school friend whenever she's home, but that's about it.
I do strongly suspect they are both neurodivergent (I've recently been diagnosed with ADHD). They don't seem particularly unhappy about their lack of friends so maybe I should stop worrying, but I feel like they rely too much on us to be their support network, because they don't have anyone else.

My experience with DS is that it's after this age that it gets tricky. It's very easy to make friends at university. Post university, friends tend to go off in many directions; yes you can keep in touch via social media but they won't all be local. And people change; you don't have the same thing in common and they settle down with partners etc, and are often busy with work or further study.

And, unless you like running or team sports or can meet people through work, it can be very hard to get to know like new people.

If they’re happy then leave them be! Everyone is different. I’m a very low social battery kinda gal, and much prefer the company of just my loved ones (family). People exhaust me.

I suppose I am that adult child a bit. Spending time socialising is exhausting, I'm happier at home with a book.

I do have DH (met him online years before that became normal) & DS, and I have to be quite sociable in work.

January felt really full on because I met up with someone for coffee twice and it was a different person each time!

And why would that 'worry [you] enormously '? There's nothing wrong with it, you know!

Actually the irony is that because I am ND I enjoy being alone!

Of course there is. It’s not normal to have no friends or social life. It would be completely miserable for most NT people.

TBF, talking to strangers online as we're all doing now (and possibly spedning more time than talking to others IRL) would have been seen as odd when I was a kid. I'm just saying that norms change, and young adult kids accept different things as the norm, just as chatting to a stranger in town/walking up to someone and asking them for a date would have been seen as way better than online dating in the noughties.

What’s ‘normal’?

Not being dependent on others for happiness and being happy in your own skin is actually a strength.

I see people in crap relationship or putting up with crap from friends because they can’t be on their own.

I have been single for nearly 30 years and wouldn’t have it any different, especially when I look round at some people! I have a core friendship group of about 5 people to whom I am very loyal but that’s where it ends

But not everyone, as several people here have said.
My point however was that you would seem to be enormously worried they were ND, with which there is nothing wrong.
'Normal' is a very weighted word, you know.

43 years old female with 2 male real friends.

One I can talk to for hours about loneliness. The other lies through their skin.

Went into hospitality aged 20 for many years with a deep regret now I was never going to meet anyone working 7-3 or 3-11.

But I have people my age who never went to work saying now on the 40’s they are quite lonely.

Thank you for this - quite right!

There was a thread talking about some attractive successful young women who were fairly desperate to get into long term relationships. That saddens me a little.

They have achieved a lot and yet the abstract idea of being coupled up seems to be more important.

Lots of interesting replies and as I thought it seems to not be too uncommon.

I think they are comfortable with their life but it must get lonely at times @Campbellcarrotsoup I hear what you say about not allowing them to fester.

I think my main worry is that it’s too baked in now. They had a few school and college friends but no solid friendships that last after they left. And then seemed to not make any friends at uni and spent their 20s alone. They are now in their 30s and I feel they’ve “missed the boat” and things won’t improve for them.

I also think having no support network other than parents is a concern, which was well worded by a previous poster. Parents are still young but I feel it’s unhealthy and life isn’t moving for them.

They were shy and quiet and gifted as a child, so by today’s standards I would certainly expect them to be ND. But they function completely fine and could easily only be an introvert.

But I think they are happy enough.

That is the thread that inspired me to make this thread. So many responses on their talking about their mid 20s and mid 30s sons settling down and getting married and that seems so far removed from the reality here. Also seeing their old school friends getting married and having kids.

There’s a part of me that detects smugness/pride/success in some of those posting about their sons who are partnered up. But I’m probably reading too much into it.

It’s difficult because so many posts like this are about men who don’t work, live at home, play computer games and are online all day. Maybe drink and smoke weed too etc. and there’s easy answers to those sorts.

But when it’s young people who take care of themselves, dress well, work in good jobs and are broadly successful, it’s much more difficult to know what to think.

I think they feel safer on line often, scared of rejection?

I agree. It annoys me the way we assume the more friends you have the more worthy you are. I can think of several very popular people who are utterly awful human beings. My friend’s partner, for example, is incredibly sociable and has a big network of friends, yet she’s SO bland and dull. I have never heard her say anything even vaguely original or interesting. Her conversation revolves around work, money and celebrity gossip. In fact, I think she’s popular because she’s so bland. She never offends or provokes anyone. She just makes up the numbers.

I can think of another guy from school who was popular. A real alpha male. But he was popular because he was good-looking, good at football, and able to beat most men in a fight. He worked as a bouncer and had women throwing themselves at him (which boosted his already massive ego). But he was just vile. Arrogant beyond words, and SO f-ing boring it was painful.

On the other hand, I can think of several lovely, funny, charming people who are totally alone. It’s really weird.

My DD is almost 18; and she never had real friends until September. She was lonely and isolated at school and then had some friends who used her. Now she has a small group of friends who are all autistic like her and she has never been happier (she met them through her college course) but I worry about next year when they're all going on to different things and if she'll find some new friends.
My niece on the other hand is a total recluse, barely leaves her house but claims to be happy that way so just depends on the individual
Some people are happier being alone (or with their cats).

I’d be very worried but do they want to live like this, are they content?

In the past there have always been solitary people.