When does ‘lack of confidence’ cease being an excuse

[flapjack5]

My mum is early sixties. All of my life I remember my grandad (her dad) and my own dad doing everything for her. Arranging holidays, sorting bills, doing her garden for her that sort of thing. Very sadly in the last 8 years both have passed away and I would say my mum has really struggled to function since. She has given up her part time job and lives a very insular life with mainly vodka for company.

She never learned to drive. She never learned how to use tech. She has always been hugely anxious but with the help of my dad was still able to enjoy life, go on days out, holidays etc (always remember drink featuring heavily though). Without him she just doesn’t do anything. Not only that but she refuses to do anything that might make her life easier even learning how to do online shopping or banking. I have offered to show her. Offered to take her out. Her answer to everything is that she doesn’t have the confidence. At first I was sympathetic but it’s becoming difficult listening to her complain about how hard life is and how lonely she is when she won’t do the simplest of things to try and change things or learn how to live an easier, more fulfilling life.

She also refuses to seek help for her anxiety/MH issues. There’s no willingness to improve things and year on year her life is becoming smaller and more depressing. Has anyone ever dealt with a friend or family member like this? Is there any way to help them or do I just have to leave her to it?

I’ll admit from a selfish point of view I find it very hard having no meaningful support for me or my dc. A few weeks ago I had an emergency and nobody to look after dc as mum was drunk and in one of her strange moods. Couldn’t leave dc with her, never have for any length of time. Some days she seems more stable than others but on the whole she just doesn’t function like a normal person.

I think in your head you have to sort between can’t do/ won’t do. She’s never going to be able to drive now, and having tried to teach mum about online shopping when she’d never done anything on a mobile bar phone people and given her sight that’s pretty much out too, but the paying bills etc she needs to get to grips with. People can say her dh did everything for her, in most families one person takes control of the bills, dh hadn’t done anything on the side until we started having problems and when I said it to my friends in most cases one of them did all of the car tax, contacting electricity, dealing with the bank etc etc.

i agree with others that she has to help herself especially with the alcoholism but I don’t agree with the people saying don’t bother helping, her whole life has changed in the last ten years and the world is becoming very small for older people, our local post office at home closed this year and my mum was devastated, put things like that with everything going online, war, rising costs and life is very tough for most people

She's in her 60s though? So am I and I just organised an entire 2 week multi stay touring holiday in Europe, flights/bus/train tickets and accommodation online. As I always do.
Little less ageism thanks.

DF was like this. But I witnessed how he was when he tried to do things. He got really anxious. He genuinely struggled with everyday things. He could not not do them.

Pfffft. She’s younger than me, and apart from a predilection for ethanol, has no health issues. She’s lazy - and if the OP accepts the excuse that she is ‘lacking confidence’, the OP is simply encouraging the laziness.

So she’s had people telling her that she can’t do it, that they have to do it, for her whole life… that’s not going to be a remotely easy change.

When you live like that for a year or two it’s hard enough to change, but sixty years? That’s going to be huge and she’s naturally going to be hugely anxious about it.

Was your mum drinking when your dad was alive op? When did her alcoholism start?

Addicts usually rely on drink, drugs, food, gambling or whatever to distract themselves from a mh issue, or difficult event or early life. The whole point is avoidance so until that is confronted she won’t be capable of engaging with anything else.

I agree. You'd think the Op's mother was in her bloody 90's reading some of these posts. The main problem here is the booze.

Your mum is a similar age to me and has obviously been helped over and beyond what would normally be expected for a reasonably healthy adult. We are now realising that many diagnoses that are given now were simply not around when we were children, especially for girls, and, while most of us were able to "get on with it " which was the bracing mantra of the time and not always a bad thing, there were many people who slipped through the cracks. These people have gone through life knowing that they were different in some way and couldn't cope with life in the way that most people seemingly effortlessly did. Many people immediately think of autism but I am wondering whether pathological demand avoidance syndrome (PDA) might be at play play here. This is where someone is frightened of doing something new because they are afraid of failure so they try every ploy available to avoid having to try. It is most often part of an autistic profile and recognised by the National Autistic Society. It is also more common in autistic girls than autistic ɓoys. Although it has only begun to be understood in the last fifteen years or so, it obviously did not suddenly appear out of the blue so it is certainly not inconceivable that many adults of all ages might have this profile and be totally unaware of it or even know of its existence. In addition to this, people on the autistic spectrum (I am not a doctor or psychiatrist so cannot say that your mother is on it but your description makes it seem a possibility), are much more prone to depression than others and it might shed some light on why your mother is the way she is and why she self-medicates with alcohol.

She’s someone whose had men insist on doing things for her her whole life

It isn’t going to be remotely as simple as it being just the booze as a problem.

Drippingfeed
Not ageism at all!! my mil is more technically able than me as are many many people I know but if people have never ever embraced any of it, have never even texted and in her case not had anything to do with bills etc what are the chances she will? That’s not ageist, it’s realistic-people who don’t do certain things online etc aren’t realistically going to pivot and someone who doesn’t do anything techy is very unlikely to do an online shop- I work on a checkout and meet people daily who say they wouldn’t shop online, easier to walk in, or they like going into the post office to pay a bill or a bank to do business and they can’t believe society is turning so much against them

Just coming to empathise OP.

We have someone very similar in our family. Despite running a business for years now can’t take themselves shopping or clean their house.

Will not entertain putting themselves out or addressing what we all think is depression. It becomes so very wearing to constantly be called to help someone who will not help themselves.

Like others have suggested, ideas of accompanying them to new things, guiding them (multiple times) through new processes, assisting in cleaning are then met with either being shot down or sitting back and expecting the same help each time.

They are only early 70s and have been on their own for over 20 years, close to the same amount of time they were married but there’s no improvement. We’re really concerned for them getting older and the expectation growing even more than it is already.

I have no patience for anyone who behaves in this way. Friend or family. I’ll help up to a point, but not unless they’ve tried to do, or work something out by themselves first. Your mum is not old, I’m older than her and manage to do just about everything in life by myself and if I can’t, I learn how to do it. Your mum chose to give up work and drink. It’s not your responsibility.

Are you annoyed at her because she’s ill and won’t seek health care?

Or are you annoyed because she won’t help you?

She never will be able to help you. She’s unwell and has been enabled. Even if she gets medicated she likely won’t adapt to the extent she starts giving out.

Sounds hard, I’m sorry.

It's difficult but you have to let adults make their own choices and live their lives. Nothing you can do will make her change.

That’s fine if they don’t expect other people to do things for them. But there is no reason people cannot learn how to use tech and use online services if they become unable to be mobile enough to go shopping etc.

There is nothing that can ‘make’ anyone change except them wanting to do so, no one can do the hard work for them. The last sentence is the crux, you are resentful as you think she should help you and make your life easier. We are none of us entitled to help from others and you’d be better to let go of this feeling. It doesn’t mean you need to support your mum though. Maybe tell her you will support her to access the go if she needs it but you cannot be her carer then get on with your life.

I totally agree - to be honest I don’t g have much sympathy with people who make demands on other people and make their lives miserable due to their own lack of taking responsibility - - I’ve had some awful experiences in life and had to carry on and without being a depressive too - initially I have a lot of empathy in this situation but the fact it goes on and on means someone doesn’t want to help themselves, so like OP I would run out of patience

Thank you for all of the comments. There is a broad range which reassures me that this isn’t clear cut and there is a vast grey area between useless drunk and ND victim.

To the pp who asked, yes my mum has always drank. It used to cause issues between her and my dad as he was a very sociable man and would only drink if he went out. Whereas she preferred to sit at home drinking. I would say she has always used alcohol as a crutch during difficult times and this has seriously increased in the last few years.

I know that she is anxious and lacking in confidence. I know that you don’t just suddenly know how to do things you’ve never done before and that it can be daunting to try new things. But it’s also hard to live the way she is living. Isolated, miserable, alienating people due to drinking, unwilling to join groups or go to a gym or do anything that could bring some fulfilment in life.

I am resentful that I have no support because life is hard. And growing up my grandparents helped a lot and I had a lovely relationship with them which my kids have missed out on. So yes I do find it sad in many ways but the most frustrating thing is seeing someone you care about lead such a small, miserable life by their own choice.

All you can do is join AlAnon yourself.

Your mum's problems - be they alcoholism or severe depression - are not your problem and if you get too sucked into trying to fix her she will drag you down too.