AIBU to still be upset about my DH behaviour during the birth of our DS (now 9 months later)

[FTM25]

SORRY ITS A LONG ONE

My relationship with DH hasn’t felt the same since the birth. I know relationships change after a baby and hormones play a part, but I feel like I can’t move past how unsupported I felt during labour. He says I should get over it because he’s apologised, but it feels more like an apology to shut me up than real understanding. I’m also questioning whether I’m overreacting and things weren’t actually that bad.

From first contractions to birth was around 42 hours. Baby was back-to-back so labour was very slow and extremely painful. Due to slow progression I went home the first night to labour. I was awake all night contracting and in agony. DH doesn’t function well when tired and I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I went into the front room overnight to labour alone so I didn’t disturb him. At the time I didn’t mind.

Early the next morning I woke him and said we needed to go back to hospital. Before getting in the car he asked to smoke. I said please no as I was in so much pain. We set off, then just before the hospital he pulled over, got out and had a cigarette while I contracted in the car.

At hospital I was only 2cm. I was given pethidine so I could rest between contractions. Each time I woke with a contraction I held onto him, but after a few times he told me I needed to manage them myself because he was tired. He kept talking about how tired he was. I messaged my sister to come as I felt like I was annoying him. When she arrived he went home to shower but was gone 5 hours — he’d gone home to sleep.

While he was gone the pain became unbearable and the hospital couldn’t locate a doctor to sign off pain relief for four hours. My mum had to go to our house and tell him to come back. By the time he arrived they were preparing the epidural. At this point I had been in labour for nearly 40 hours and was 9cm. I was so distressed they had to restrain me for the epidural.

Eventually baby was delivered with instrumental help and an episiotomy. Afterwards we were moved to a ward and DH repeatedly complained about being uncomfortable on a plastic chair while I was lying there with a tear and episiotomy. Two hours later he went home to rest.

I then developed an infection and couldn’t walk or get out of bed. To give credit, when he came back he did look after baby overnight while I physically couldn’t move. But when midwives moved me to a chair he got into the hospital bed to sleep. It didn’t bother me at the time but staff and other mums’ reactions made me feel embarrassed.

Recovery at home was rough. I could barely walk, had infection, hormonal drop, feeding issues (later found to be tongue tie). DH put a lot of pressure on me to breastfeed even though I was in pain and struggling to even sit comfortably. During a home visit the midwife was reassuring me that lots of people are unable to breastfeed and that it doesn’t always work out. DH was standing in the corner repeatedly saying things like “but breastfeeding is best” and “but she should keep trying.” The midwife actually turned to him quite sharply and said words to the effect of “breastfeeding has to work for the mother before it can work for the baby, and right now it clearly isn’t working.” I burst into tears because I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed that even the midwife had picked up on the pressure he was putting on me.

On day 5 we went to the health visitor. On the way home he insisted we go to his mum’s where all his siblings and their children were already gathered and the house was full. I said I wasn’t ready, I was still in pain and just wanted to go home. He got angry and said my mum had been around the baby every day so why was it okay for my family but not his. I tried to explain that my mum wasn’t visiting the baby — she was there to look after me while I recovered, help me get up, sort food, and support me while I was struggling physically and emotionally. He didn’t accept this and said he would just drop me off at home and take the baby himself. I didn’t want to be separated from my 5 day old so I went, crying in the back of the car.

Before we went in I explained I’d been taking laxatives, my bowels were unpredictable and I felt embarrassed using the toilet there with a full house. We agreed that if I texted him to say I needed to go, we would leave straight away. We ended up staying about 5 hours. I texted him saying I was in pain, my stomach was gurgling and I needed to go, but he made me wait another 40 minutes before we left.

Overall I just feel like he didn’t meet my needs as a person in pain, let alone his wife. This behaviour was very out of character which is why I’m second guessing myself. Much more has happened since this as well, including me going through PPD and having to leave home to stay with family for support because I wasn’t getting it at home, but this post is already long enough.

I’ve spoken to friends about this who completely agree with how I feel, but I don’t know if they’re being biased because they’re my friends. I’ve also mentioned smaller parts of this (like him stopping for a cigarette and telling me to manage contractions on my own) to some of his family, and it was laughed off with comments like “that’s just men” which has made me question myself even more.

So AIBU? Am I right to still feel hurt by this 9 months later, or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

I normally say ah just get on with it. Pull yourself together. We’ve all been through it. So I have high expectations of what I expect people to be able to deal with.

But in this case: your husband has been extremely useless and uncaring. I’d have been so upset

YANBU i’d have questions about him and his behaviour too

Geeezus. How can you look him in the face. Of course your relationship changed. In your most vulnerable time he was not there for you, he didnt show up at all.

Yuck. Get rid. Youll feel so much better

Agree with this. Counselling for you to focus on your needs and heal from the birth trauma and it may give you clarity on your husband and whether you want couple’s counselling to work through things or if you can’t get past this and want to move on without him.

For reference my DH had just taken a sedating medication when my waters broke at half past midnight and my labour went on for 48 hours. He definitely took whatever chance I gave him to sleep but in between he was there for whatever I needed and was supportive and still carries some guilt that he slept through a chunk of my labour despite the fact he really couldn’t help it! I get not fully understanding how you were feeling post partum as I doubt any man really ‘gets’ it at the time, but realistically that is time when they should just do near enough whatever you ask, even if it seems a bit unreasonable to them at the time, under the circumstances. Support first, try to understand later.

He needs to ‘get’ it now, or your relationship won’t recover.

What an absolutely vile post. Are you the dh?

I can assure you 13 years on I can still remember my dd's birth and the failings of the hospital in "forensic" detail.

I’m unimpressed with my husband postpartum, but this gut makes mine look like a saint!

He basically wasn’t at the labour at all! And then didn’t even take care of you postpartum? Your friends sound like they are being polite! I am sure behind your back they saw much worse/more honest things about this guy.

Start a diary and keep notes of everything he does or doesn’t do in case you end up looking at custody.

Blimey, that was so hard to read @FTM25and I don’t even know you. How can you bring yourself to forgive all of that? I wouldn’t be able to.
You said he apologised but you don’t think it’s sincere enough because of his behaviour since. So what’s his behaviour like now?

I would struggle to get over that and would be reconsidering the relationship. he wasn't there for you at your most vulnerable time. he sounds awful

What an absolutely tone deaf post.

I had an awful, life changing experience surrounding the birth, as an unmarried mother- a great crime in those days- and death of my first child. Not in the same way as OP 's experience. But mine was 50 years ago and yet I can still remember with great clarity what happened and how I felt. And believe me I wish I couldn't. But it is part of me, in the same way OP's experience is part of her.

There is absolutely nothing that her H could say that could excuse his selfish , cruel behaviour

My friends husband was similarly awful at the birth of their baby and had been throughout her pregnancy. She (quite rightly) couldn’t get over it, their relationship suffered, slept in separate beds for two years, he went on the dating apps, she caught him, they divorced.

Just adding another voice to the chorus to say his behaviour was unforgivable: at best horribly selfish, at worst sadistic. Many people have said LTB - ultimately that’s your decision (of course) and one that you do not have to make immediately.

On a separate note, please seek support for your traumatic birth experience. You went through a lot x

What are his behaviours now @FTM25

I would genuinely divorce him for this.

I'm crying reading this. I hope you can divorce him OP, he's one of the worst pieces of shit I've read about on here. He doesn't deserve to have a family.

Sometimes the goal shouldn’t be apologies or forgiveness because the sustained behaviour shows who they are and what they are is wholly self-centred, emotionally unintelligent and lacking in the lowest levels of respect or care for you. All of which are deeply unattractive. Do you really want to be in a long term relationship with that?

The bar is so low here that he must have limbo’d to get under it.

I dont think its odd at all OP, its not a random Tuesday you were bored at his mums it was the day your child was born something most mums would remember

But I do think while his behaviour was horrific he said sorry. And only he knows if he means it.

He cant undo it, so you need to decide what you need to get past this. And if you cant thats OK, divorce him. But I think YANBU for how hard you found his behaviour and how difficult it is to get over. But also I think you need couples counselling so this can be resolved if you want to stay with him

Oof that was a tough read. I’m so so sorry that he abjectly failed you when you were at your most vulnerable.
Given that it’s still bothering you, understandably, I think you need to seriously consider if it is really something you can move on from. I imagine you just can’t understand how he could have let you down so very badly. Whether it was out of character or not, it is still how he behaved, and sometimes people’s behaviour can make us see them in a new, and very poor light.
The bit about stopping at his family’s house - god I was seething for you! I had a forceps delivery too and of course you don’t want to be out visiting in-laws at 5 days PP with stitches like that. Not to mention the hormones and trauma of going through a very prolonged labour with complicated delivery for your first baby.
You are not being unreasonable at all, and him telling you to “get over it” suggests both that he hasn’t reflected on how much damage he has done, and also therefore is not truly sorry.

I’m guessing she remembers things in ‘such forensic detail’ because they were traumatic and upsetting and occurred during the most significant life event that’s ever happened to her.

I’d probably remember pretty clearly if I’d spent several days in agony having traumatic medical procedures and birthing a kid while my husband was a total cunt about everything.

Bless you. I am so, so sorry and shocked at what I have just read.
Unfortunately you have 2 children.
Do not have any more with him, and if you are feeling strong enough and in a position to do so, please leave.

I’m honestly overwhelmed by the response to this and trying to read everything. A lot of comments are suggesting I should leave which has really scared me if I’m honest, so I’ll try to answer the common questions in one place.

How is he now with DS?
He is honestly a really good dad. He does night feeds at the weekend when he’s not working (DS still wakes twice), and when he gets home in the evening he will sit with him so I can get on with things. The love he has for DS is obvious. That said, I have noticed his patience is quite low and he does tend to hand him back quickly. A common bicker in our house is who is more tired, but I imagine that’s quite normal after children.

What are things like between you now?
In terms of our relationship, it basically doesn’t exist. We just coexist in the same house. I try to talk to him about everyday things and he’s either on his phone or playing PlayStation. There’s very little connection between us.

We took DS to a farm recently and he spent most of the time miserable and moaning about walking in dry mud in his trainers. He is quite a moany person generally — everyone who knows him says that and laughs it off as “that’s just him”, but living with that day in day out is quite draining.

There’s also a lot of pressure from him when it comes to DS. As soon as he walks in from work it’s things like why isn’t he crawling yet, why isn’t he walking, why is he still waking in the night, he should be drinking more oz of milk etc. It feels like constant pressure around normal baby development which I already worry about as a first time mum.

Now to throw a bit of a curve ball — in some situations I do believe he genuinely feels terrible about some of the things he has done (including things I haven’t even mentioned here). He is aware himself that he has a very bad trait of being spiteful. When he reflects on things, I do think he feels bad and acknowledges it. The problem is it feels short lived, and then the behaviour happens again. It’s almost like he recognises it but can’t or won’t change it long term.

What do I want from him?
I’m not actually sure, which I know is part of the problem. He has apologised, but I think what I struggle with is that I don’t feel he really understands how bad it was for me. I think I want genuine acknowledgement and understanding rather than what felt like a quick apology. I guess I want to see that he truly understands how unsupported I felt and shows some real empathy about it. But I also recognise that if I can’t move past it, then I need to think about what that means.

Therapy
I have had individual therapy. It was helpful in the sense that I had a safe space to talk and process everything, but I’m still struggling to move past it.

I have also suggested couples therapy. He has agreed in principle, but he’s reluctant to contribute towards paying for it. My maternity pay has now ended so I can’t really take the financial hit on my own. It doesn’t feel right that I should be solely responsible for funding something meant to help us as a couple.

A lot of people are saying leave
The truth is, I know that’s something I’ve already thought about myself. But I’m terrified. The idea of doing this alone, sharing DS, and not having him with me 7 days a week is heartbreaking. I don’t know how I’d cope with that.

I also haven’t shared everything that’s happened. My sister knows everything and was present during the birth. When I mentioned leaving during my PPD, she agreed it might be best but also said he would “go to war” over it and I should be prepared for a fight. The thought of that completely overwhelms me. If he calmly agreed a fair arrangement I’d be fine with that, but I don’t think it would be like that. I think it would become about winning.

Was it out of character?
On reflection, probably not completely. There have been things over the years I’ve just accepted. I think what I meant was I didn’t expect it in that moment and was surprised by how unsupported I felt.

Financially
I don’t rely on him financially. We split bills 50/50. He does now contribute weekly for DS but that was also a big argument initially. Whilst I don’t rely on him financially, the thought of my 50% becoming 100% obviously worries me.

I’ve spoken to friends about this who completely agree with how I feel, but I don’t know if they’re being biased because they’re my friends. I’ve also mentioned smaller parts of this (like him stopping for a cigarette and telling me to manage contractions on my own) to some of his family and it was laughed off with comments like “that’s just him”, which has made me question myself even more.

I think I’m just really torn. Part of me feels this isn’t something I can move past, another part of me feels like our relationship is already gone, and another part of me is terrified of breaking up our family and not having my baby with me every day.

Oh my gosh! I still resent DH for going home to sleep on day 5! Your post has made me realise I'm being unreasonable! I had 4 day labour and DH went home to sleep the afternoon of day 5 after LO and I were moved to maternity ward. How has he been since your birth then?

Funnily enough I remember all my labours and births in forensic detail, as well as all the times someone has been an utter cunt to me.

I wish you hadn't posted as people replying to this outrageous post are going to derail the actual thread.

@FTM25

How has your husband been since your child has arrived? Other than being an utter vile, vindictive cunt in the instances you highlight in your first post.

If he apologised profusely and has been exemplary in his behaviour, attitude and actions since the BF nonsense / the day he made you visit family then you may have a fighting chance. Sadly I expect he hasn't been the best husband and father in the intervening months so the big question is - what now?

Edited to add I hadn't seen your 9:44 update @FTM25

Lordy it just sounds worse and worse. A good father doesn't treat the mother of his child this way.

Your update is horrifying as there are so many insidious red flags within that post I dont even know where to begin.

Are you splitting things 50:50 whilst on maternity leave? Who is the bigger earner?

Do you genuinely believe that he would want substantial time with DS if you split? I would be worried how much pressure he would be putting on him as he gets older if he is worrying he isn’t walking yet.

How much parenting/household chores does he do solo? So if you went out for the day on your own, would he cope?

OP has said that his apology seems insincere given that he is still behaving in ways that contiue to upset her. I think that therapy on her own would be more useful than couples counselling but, even with a great therapist, I doubt that OP will ever be able to come to terms with and forgive such awful behaviour during her labour and after the traumatic birth of her child. As there seems to be an ongoing pattern of dreadful behaviour towards OP by her husband, it will probably end up being marriage-ending.

This is awful op. I think you should show him this thread.
Sending hugs x

You don’t have to explain yourself, OP, many women, including myself, remember, in detail, our labour and deliveries.

I agree that discussing your feelings with a third party present would be very helpful. Your DH needs to fully understand and take responsibility for failing as a partner during that time.