AIBU to still be upset about my DH behaviour during the birth of our DS (now 9 months later)

[FTM25]

SORRY ITS A LONG ONE

My relationship with DH hasn’t felt the same since the birth. I know relationships change after a baby and hormones play a part, but I feel like I can’t move past how unsupported I felt during labour. He says I should get over it because he’s apologised, but it feels more like an apology to shut me up than real understanding. I’m also questioning whether I’m overreacting and things weren’t actually that bad.

From first contractions to birth was around 42 hours. Baby was back-to-back so labour was very slow and extremely painful. Due to slow progression I went home the first night to labour. I was awake all night contracting and in agony. DH doesn’t function well when tired and I could tell he was getting annoyed, so I went into the front room overnight to labour alone so I didn’t disturb him. At the time I didn’t mind.

Early the next morning I woke him and said we needed to go back to hospital. Before getting in the car he asked to smoke. I said please no as I was in so much pain. We set off, then just before the hospital he pulled over, got out and had a cigarette while I contracted in the car.

At hospital I was only 2cm. I was given pethidine so I could rest between contractions. Each time I woke with a contraction I held onto him, but after a few times he told me I needed to manage them myself because he was tired. He kept talking about how tired he was. I messaged my sister to come as I felt like I was annoying him. When she arrived he went home to shower but was gone 5 hours — he’d gone home to sleep.

While he was gone the pain became unbearable and the hospital couldn’t locate a doctor to sign off pain relief for four hours. My mum had to go to our house and tell him to come back. By the time he arrived they were preparing the epidural. At this point I had been in labour for nearly 40 hours and was 9cm. I was so distressed they had to restrain me for the epidural.

Eventually baby was delivered with instrumental help and an episiotomy. Afterwards we were moved to a ward and DH repeatedly complained about being uncomfortable on a plastic chair while I was lying there with a tear and episiotomy. Two hours later he went home to rest.

I then developed an infection and couldn’t walk or get out of bed. To give credit, when he came back he did look after baby overnight while I physically couldn’t move. But when midwives moved me to a chair he got into the hospital bed to sleep. It didn’t bother me at the time but staff and other mums’ reactions made me feel embarrassed.

Recovery at home was rough. I could barely walk, had infection, hormonal drop, feeding issues (later found to be tongue tie). DH put a lot of pressure on me to breastfeed even though I was in pain and struggling to even sit comfortably. During a home visit the midwife was reassuring me that lots of people are unable to breastfeed and that it doesn’t always work out. DH was standing in the corner repeatedly saying things like “but breastfeeding is best” and “but she should keep trying.” The midwife actually turned to him quite sharply and said words to the effect of “breastfeeding has to work for the mother before it can work for the baby, and right now it clearly isn’t working.” I burst into tears because I felt overwhelmed and embarrassed that even the midwife had picked up on the pressure he was putting on me.

On day 5 we went to the health visitor. On the way home he insisted we go to his mum’s where all his siblings and their children were already gathered and the house was full. I said I wasn’t ready, I was still in pain and just wanted to go home. He got angry and said my mum had been around the baby every day so why was it okay for my family but not his. I tried to explain that my mum wasn’t visiting the baby — she was there to look after me while I recovered, help me get up, sort food, and support me while I was struggling physically and emotionally. He didn’t accept this and said he would just drop me off at home and take the baby himself. I didn’t want to be separated from my 5 day old so I went, crying in the back of the car.

Before we went in I explained I’d been taking laxatives, my bowels were unpredictable and I felt embarrassed using the toilet there with a full house. We agreed that if I texted him to say I needed to go, we would leave straight away. We ended up staying about 5 hours. I texted him saying I was in pain, my stomach was gurgling and I needed to go, but he made me wait another 40 minutes before we left.

Overall I just feel like he didn’t meet my needs as a person in pain, let alone his wife. This behaviour was very out of character which is why I’m second guessing myself. Much more has happened since this as well, including me going through PPD and having to leave home to stay with family for support because I wasn’t getting it at home, but this post is already long enough.

I’ve spoken to friends about this who completely agree with how I feel, but I don’t know if they’re being biased because they’re my friends. I’ve also mentioned smaller parts of this (like him stopping for a cigarette and telling me to manage contractions on my own) to some of his family, and it was laughed off with comments like “that’s just men” which has made me question myself even more.

So AIBU? Am I right to still feel hurt by this 9 months later, or am I just being hormonal and overreacting?

An arsehole who is not fit to be a husband or father.

How have things been since?

This is all major and unforgivable to be honest. The behaviour in labour, the pressure to BF, the forcing you to go to his family - each incident in isolation is absolutely disgusting but putting them together - it really is a concern.

I cannot imagine a man who treated his wife this way magically became more supportive since, so how have the past 9 months been?

FWIW my ex-DP was a bit crap in all my labours. He went home after DC1 was born and I didn't see him for 12 hours (I'd had a 52h labour!) and he fell asleep on the ward after the birth of DC2. He is an ex for many reasons but this certainly contributed.

He's a pig and you'd be better off without him. I would leave today if I were you. Completely unforgivable behaviour.

I don’t understand the bit where you say this behaviour was out of character but then say that even since the birth you’ve had a time when you had to stay with your family due to lack of support from him. So it sounds very IN character? Maybe not the character you saw pre birth but certainly for the 9 months since. I would not be accepting this way of living.

He sounds sadistic - all of it is awful and I’m especially shocked by the part about you being on laxatives and asking to leave and him not letting you. All the rest can be kind of ‘excused’ by tiredness and new parent anxiety, but that part is just truly sadistic

I don't think there is any coming back from it. His behaviour is unforgivable.

At reading the title, I was ready to come back with "men are sometimes clueless clots who act as useless as they feel during childbirth". But then I read your post and this is far worse. My husband wasnt perfect but he was utterly on my side and, goodness me, would never have complained about feeling tired or uncomfortable. I feel awful for what you went thru during labour, and I am glad you have a lovely supportive mum and family.

In fairness I have my complaints at times about my in laws, but his mother would have chased him back to the hospital with a wooden spoon herself had he dared go home while I was in labour.

He sounds vile and clearly doesn’t even like you

I would show him what you have written here. It isn't overly critical, it just states the facts. Then let him read the replies.

That would be the end of the relationship for me. If that's how he behaved during labour then you know what to expect if you became ill, disabled, or God forbid you child became ill.

Unless he has totally turned it around since and gave a sincere apology and proved that it was just a stupid series of decisions because he was terrified himself (doesn't sound like thats the case) then id be quietly considerig your future.

It's certainly not all men so don't believe that shit. I cant imagine he's been the best partner or dad since either?

I’m so sorry you’ve been dealing with this OP- what an absolute wanker. FWIW, I have just shown your post to my husband to get his perspective- he has quite a strong-willed personality and there have definitely been times where we have had our differences since our baby was born, including disagreements over visits to his side of the family etc, so I was interested to know what he’d think of all this. However, he completely agrees with me and thinks your husband has been absolutely vile.

I’d echo what everyone else is saying re thinking about next steps and whether this is really what you want for your future (incredibly hard/complex as I know that would be)- unless he really has apologised to you sincerely for all this & is making genuine efforts to change?

I know this is all going back 9 months ago, your feeding journey will have evolved by now and that you probably have more pressing things to think about at the moment- but on a side note, I’d also be very interested to know whether he has stopped smoking since your baby was born if he’s so desperate for them to gain health benefits from being breast fed? After all, regular/ongoing 2nd or 3rd hand smoke exposure is much less optimal for a baby’s health than being formula fed! If he feels so strongly that you should have been BF to the detriment of your own wellbeing, maybe it’s time for him to reflect on his own choices/priorities as well- just saying…!

Jesus fucking Christ op, what am I reading! Why TAF are you still with this cretin? Do Not have another child with him. I’m so sorry, reading your post was just awful, I can’t believe he behaved like that. I genuinely would not be able to get over that. Your feelings are valid op, don’t let him brow-beat you into believing they are not. I would seriously be considering whether you stay with such a selfish creature.

I’m so sorry that you experienced this, he wasn’t there for you at the most vulnerable time in your life. In comparison, my baby is also 9 months old and I had a 36 hour forceps birth, tears, and a PPH. My husband was by my side the whole time, stayed for all hours he could and gently got me through the worst few weeks of my life. Without him I think I’d have developed ppd. 9 months later he still wakes up with baby overnight once too. That’s to show you what you truly deserve too x

Your feelings are totally valid what an absolute vile human. I think you may need a long serious talk to get it all off your chest as you are clearly not going to ever forget it

That was a hard read and I feel upset on your behalf. This is NOT normal behaviour for a DH - his behaviour was appalling and unforgivable. He stopped for a cigarette enroute to hospital??! WTAF?

You say it was out of character but then you had to go to your family when you developed PPD because you weren’t getting support from him?

Please don’t have any more DC with this disgusting excuse for a man - learn that the first time around he showed you his true colours. I’d be making plans to leave - don’t become a SAHM either.

None of how you feel is unreasonable. I wouldn't be able to get past it either. Unfortunately some men show their true colours when you are vulnerable. This man did and you should learn from it. I'd walk away and never look back. You have a supportive family, speak to your mum and ask for help. I'd make sure you are on contraception and would not be having anymore children with him infact I'd be making plans to get away. You will never find love, respect and affection here.

Selfish, selfish man.

This would change my opinion of DH. I hope he has pulled out the stops since.

Don’t have another baby with this man. He can’t be relied on to be there for you when you most need him.

It’s not really “forensics detail” — it was my labour and birth, not a random day. It was long, painful and emotionally difficult, so yes I remember it clearly.
I do want to move on. I’m here because I’m questioning myself and trying to understand whether I’m holding onto something unreasonable. His perspective may well be different, but that doesn’t change how unsupported I felt in the moment.
But what I can tell you from his perspective is that he does acknowledge everything he done apart from the telling me to manage contractions on my own - he said he doesn't remember saying this. He acknowledges it was poor behaviour on his part but still, his apology seems insincere given his continued choice of behaviours following this.

What outcome do you want from this OP? You said your DH apologised - what else do you want from him? You could have counselling as a couple to discuss it, it might be good for you to discuss it openly with your DH with a stranger present? Otherwise if you can’t forgive him and move on perhaps it would be best to split up and go your separate ways?

That is horrendous behaviour on his part. I’m not surprised it’s weighing heavily on your mind. Pulling over to smoke on the way to the hospital, putting his needs ahead of you whilst in labour and postpartum is inexcusable. I’m sorry he was so unsupportive and inconsiderate.

If I was OP I would need to know that he understood and accepted how much he messed up and what pain he caused. An apology doesn't necessarily cover that.

I would suggest counselling here. If you live in England you may be able to access NHS talking therapies quickly if you have a baby. They often prioritise people with children under 2 years old.

I think having the opportunity to talk things through with a counsellor is invaluable. It gives you the chance to vent which you can’t do at home and also think about how you can move forwards. Please think about it. This situation is more common than you think and being ‘stuck’ is natural given how difficult things were. It feeds into birth trauma - your local NHS therapies service can direct you to appropriate support.

Everything you've done is about nit inconveniencing him and he made you sit there for 40 minutes thinking you were going to shit yourself in front of his family.

I dont know how he could ever redeem himself.

If that's him at his worst, tell us what a normal week looks like. From last Sunday.

Absolutely ot unreasonable @FTM25

In fact if my dd's dad had behaved tmeven half as badly as yours has then we would have been done there and then.

I am sorry to say imho you should ltb.

This is awful to read OP. I’m so sorry. I also think it’s shocking that some people have told you “that’s just men”. It really isn’t. Most men, even the ones most unprepared for birth, would feel some level of empathy for their partner. It is not enough for him just to apologise for this, he was absolutely awful to you for no reason and deliberately made the experience so much harder for you than it should have been. You are not wrong to not forgive this.