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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm really cross and upset with DH. He thinks I am overreacting.

29 replies

2point4kids · 18/06/2008 15:11

DH's friend is getting married soon. He lives in another country and the wedding is there.
The wedding is the weekend before we go on our first ever family holiday.
DH asked me if I'd mind if he went. I said no, not at all. Even though it will mean me doing all the packing and preparations for our holiday myself whilst looking after the DSs and getting to the airport by myself in the middle of the night with kids plus luggage.
The official invitation came today and it invites ALL of us including the children.
I was pleasantly surprised. All the wedding invitations we have had this year have been no kids weddings and I had assumed this one was too (hence DH going alone). DH went to one only a few weeks ago while I stayed home with the children.
I rang DH at work and excitedly said 'Guess what? X's wedding invitation has just arrived and we are all invited! I didnt think I would be able to go, but now we might all be able to'
His response was 'well it was never a question of them not being invited, I just didnt think it would be practical'
He backtracked after I went mad at him and said that he didnt know the boys would be invited too, it just didnt really cross his mind to think about it.
He doesnt understand why I am upset about him going on his own when he did ask me if it would be ok.

The reason I am so upset is because he didnt TELL me that we were all invited and let us make the decision together. he just decided on his own that it wouldnt be 'practical' for us to go and then didnt pass on the fact that we were invited too!
He muttered something about it being more expensive blah blah blah, but that just winds me up even more. He goes out at least once a week. Has been to a weekend away for a wedding on his own this year and has 2 stag do's abroad planned this year while I am stuck at home. If we can afford all that then we can damn well afford for me to go away for one bloody weekend too.

OP posts:

crispyduck · 18/06/2008 15:15

is it so impotant he goes to this wedding?
is it a close friend?

Original poster

2point4kids · 18/06/2008 15:16

Its an old friend.
He has already booked his own flights and hotel!

OP posts:

Original poster

2point4kids · 18/06/2008 15:17

I honestly dont mind him going, I am just seriously pee'd off that we could have ALL gone but he didnt even consider it.

OP posts:

dittany · 18/06/2008 15:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

crispyduck · 18/06/2008 15:19

i completely understand why u are feeling this way..i would not be happy at all..you should be there with him as a family...this sucks

DaDaDa · 18/06/2008 15:21

YANBU. He's been underhand about it.

BroccoliSpears · 18/06/2008 15:21

I would be hurt and think that dp just wanted a fun weekend sans family.

Neeerly3 · 18/06/2008 15:22

I see your point - he ASSUMED or rather made your mind up for you. Its not about the wedding at all, it's his attitude. This could be about any occasion where DH found out about it first, asked if he could go without first saying "would YOU like to come with me"....

YANBU, but he is.....no advise on how to deal though I'm afraid.

Twiglett · 18/06/2008 15:24

I must say I do think YABU .. he didn't know the children would be invited, and to be honest he probably didn't even think about it

to date he's been excited at getting away on his own to his mate's wedding .. fair enough .. and you were happy with this

Now you're all cross and bothered because it turns out you could've gone, which entails him changing his expectations immediately and giving up his break

Sorry I can't blame him tbh .. you just need to arrange to go away for a weekend yourself with some friends

Sazisi · 18/06/2008 15:25

I'm with you, too. You are owed a MASSIVE apology. And an equally massive budget for your wedding outfit to boot

Neeerly3 · 18/06/2008 15:30

twiglett that wasn't her point - she was ok with him going cos she didn't think she was invited as I would be....to find out that he KNEW she was invited (lets forget the kids were for now), but didn't tell her and thus appears like he wanted to go away without her. I would be very put out.

What was he planning on telling the friend when she didn't turn up, "oh er, she's ill" or "no I didn't want her here so i didn't tell her she was invited"

Turniphead1 · 18/06/2008 15:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

waffletrees · 18/06/2008 15:34

YANBU - this should have been a joint decision. He owes you a big apology. He also needs to spend some quality time with the DCS - a girls weekend is in order.

DaDaDa · 18/06/2008 15:36

I do think it's reasonable for parents to want a little time away from their family (including their partner) occasionally, but you've got to be honest about it and share that time fairly.

If I were the OP I'd be planning a fun weekend away with friends pretty soon.

Notyummy · 18/06/2008 15:48

YANBU. TBH, it could be worse...if he was ally underhand he would have pretended he did not know that the whole family was invited to avoid this sort of situation occuring!

I would be seriously teed off....and as others have mentioned (and I do twice a year) booking myself a weekend away with girly mates to drink wine without DP and kids.

swiftyknickers · 18/06/2008 15:49

no basically he doesnt want you there so he can go for a knees up-i would be cross that he hadnt asked you, just made the descision for you

arrange a weekend away with girlfriends for the weekend you get back from holiday so he can do all the washing and un-packing!!

Original poster

2point4kids · 18/06/2008 15:51

The more I think about it the more annoyed I am getting.
Its not like he doesnt get any time away on his own. This will be his 4th weekend away without us in 6 months.
He leaves for work before the kids wake up and comes home after they are in bed all week anyway so its hardly as if he 'needs a break' from them at the weekend.

I could arrange another girls weekend away (I actually am already going on a hen weekend in August) and he would be fine with that, but I'd actually quite like to spend a weekend with my husband and family! I think that he should too tbh. He barely sees us during the week - we should be doing nice stuff together at the weekend, not splitting the weekends into who goes off to have fun and who stays home with the kids.

Its winding me up more because this is so unlike him. He's normally a lot more thoughtful.

OP posts:

savoycabbage · 18/06/2008 16:01

No, YANBU. You would think he would be pleased to be able to spend the weekend with you and his dc.

SalBow · 18/06/2008 16:02

YAdefinitelyNBU!
I would be fuming!!!! Did he think you wouldn't find out that you were all invited?

kslatts · 18/06/2008 16:13

YANBU, dh went to his friends wedding abroad a couple of years ago, we were all invited but decided together that we couldn't really afford 4 flights and that he should go on his own.

poorbuthappy · 18/06/2008 16:34

I thought you meant the decision for him to go on his own was because it was the weekend before the wedding?

All depends whether or not you think it was a genuine mistake by dh, or a delibrate ploy to get a weekend away on his own...

rebelmum1 · 18/06/2008 16:41

You should never have said it was ok in the first place, what he suggested originally is really tough on you and easy on him.. you see what he doesn't get is that now you're peed off because you're the one making the sacrifice for his pleasures and he doesn't deserve it. Don't bring in past things that have annoyed you just deal with this situation and be clear why it has annoyed you.

rebelmum1 · 18/06/2008 16:42

Get yourself booked on a girls weekend at the first available opportunity.

Collision · 18/06/2008 16:45

could you afford to go to the wedding and then go on holiday?

Could you go to the wedding with the boys, fly back and then go on holiday?

If he genuinely didnt know you and the children had been invited then you are being unreasonable. If he is being underhand so he can have a childfree weekend then YANBU!

and you will have him for a fortnight on holiday so make sure he makes up for it!

Flllight · 18/06/2008 16:49

He sounds like he just doesn't realise how much his habit of going off alone and not even considering that you might like to, is actually hurting your feelings.

I don;t think he was underhand but it is sad that he wants to go away so much on his own. I would be most worried about that tbh - I would want to spend time with my wife and family if I were a married man.

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