To refuse to pay for his dental implants?

[whatisgoingonandwhy]

DH had to have dental implants about 8 years ago and I think they cost around £7000 and a denture. Fast forward to now one of the implants failed after he had sat on the denture, bent it and hadn’t been wearing it so the pressure was all on the implant.
He has now had a quote for dental work at £18,000 and I told him to try and get a second opinion. Now had a quote from his own dentist who is still training until September for £9,000 but no option to spread the cost.
My AIBU is that he has always had crap teeth and part of this is because he doesn’t look after them. We have a private dentist for which are a family we pay £100 per month and last year they were chasing him for months to book a check up. I also understand that implants are more likely to fail if you have gum disease, smoke and drink to excess, all of which he does and doesn’t look after himself but that’s another story. He has been making more of an effort to take care of his teeth but that’s only recently after the issues started up again, before that he refused an electric toothbrush and didn’t floss ever.
We could afford the £9,000 at a push but it feels like throwing good money after bad. Would I be unreasonable to veto the implants and say he should go for dentures? He is 58 if that makes a difference.

Can't help go for the cheaper option of dentures

He sounds very reckless.

Not looking after his teeth is bad enough but smoking and drinking excessively is unforgivable.

I wouldn't want to help him either.

Yanbu.
In life you need to help yourself.

We are late 30s, early 40s both of us have shit gums.
We have the iO brushes the floss the tepes the hygienist blah blah blah

Because we dont want our teeth falling out of our heads.

This isnt one bad choice (ie he broken the denture) it's systematic failure on his part (he broke it, prob because he doesnt wear it consistently, ignored replacing it etc etc )

You'd be throwing good money after bad on it

@MustTryHarderAndHarderyes that’s my thoughts too. I have several health issues but I do my best to look after myself. We have a daughter with autism which makes me feel like I need to live forever whereas he just takes no accountability for his health.

What treatment does the £100 per month cover?

Like you, I would be very reluctant to fund new implants when he ignores all the advice from his dentist and his lack of dental hygiene and his smoking and drinking to excess have caused his current implants to fail.

He obviously can't be bothered to act on the advice from his dentist so, if he gets new expensive implants, he will probably go back to ignoring the dentist's advice and you will be back in the same position in a few years time.

He is a prime candidate for peri implantitis. He would just be wasting money.

The implantologist at my dentist’s refuses to treat smokers. Says it’s unethical to take their money when the risk of failure is so high. Don’t waste your money if he can’t look after his teeth.

I wouldn't.

And I have five implants (had a lot of trauma to the face) and having implants is a privilege.

If he can't even look after the ones he has, there is absolutely no way I would be contributing to even more. This one failed due to his lifestyle. Hence so will the next one.

Mine were done by a maxillo surgeon and I clearly remember the discussion prior to my surgeries about smoking. I don't smoke, but he said if I did he wouldn't do the surgery until I stopped or I he would advice me to approach another surgeon. Apparently there is double the chance of implant failure due to smoking.

He should just get dentures.

YANBU, you really have to look after implants. I had one implant 11 years ago after a root canal failed (it was not a good one anyway having been done when I was a student by a rubbish dentist) and the tooth was extracted.

I was told I needed to do a lot more work to keep it clean - daily flossing, inter dental brishes, regular hygienist appointments. I also have a special implant check once a year.

Even with all that, during covid when I could not get to the dentist for a bit I got a mild infection around the gum, which luckily cleared up with antibiotics and deep cleaning.

I am surprised they did a lot of implant work if he is a regular smoker - it was one of the first questions I was asked in the consultation.

I said you sre unreasonable because I dont think you should be able to veto your partner. And unless he puts absolutely no contribution into your family, it isn't just you "funding" it either.

I think you're taking a paternalistic stance here that I would NEVER tolerate in a partner.

@GlovedhandsCeciliatotally understand re the view that I am being paternalistic and he does contribute to the household finances. However I get to veto as I manage the finances, he likes to tell people that he hasn’t opened an envelope in all the time we have been together. He also spends £££ per month on fags and alcohol alone, a lot more than I spend on things for mine and daughters health and wellbeing. Unfortunately I have married a man child who continues to need parenting. Believe you me I would prefer things to be different, but he prefers it like this!

I don't think it would be unreasonable to expecr him to use his own savings for this. It is cosmetic work and he is having to repalce them though his own failure to follow post surgery instructions.

Id rather divorce than act in a way that controls another adult like that. It just isnt who I'd want to be and it would be too easy to start to steamrolling them into who I think they should be.

I would always say go for implants, to avoid further erosion of bone and avoid that sunken jaw look that people get. BUT he really does need to stop smoking, etc.

What does his smoking cost? As the money manager i'd say OK he can have the implant in 4 months, if he gives up smoking within 1 month and remains given up for the 3 months so that the implant stands a chance and also the smoking money can contribute to the cost rather than taking away from your daughter.

But then I'd also be reconsidering life with this drain of a manchild when you already have the challenges of a disabled child to consider...

Unfortunately his new implants will likely fail. Mine are under a warranty that is only valid if i have two dental checks and two hygienist appointments a year. No point spending thousands on something else that won't last.

OP, if you'd prefer things to be different, and acknowledge he's a manchild...... That different life would come by leaving him. How far are you from that? There's only so much exasperation I could put up with before enough was enough.

You being in control of the family finances doesn’t mean you have the right to deny your husband spending money he earned on something that will make a significant impact on his wellbeing.

I understand all your concerns and why you might feel resentful that he hasn’t looked after himself as well as he should have done, but his failings there are pretty normal in human terms. Most people could do more to look after their health, but if they don’t they don’t become unworthy of receiving suitable treatment.

Does he not have any money or savings of his own. I always think it is a good idea in relationships to maintain your own savings for stuff like this.

Also implants are not essential medical treatmenr. The NHS will offer essential treatment to make him dentally fit. Implants are mainly cosmetic. Yes, they are better than dentures or a bridge but he has shown he is unable or unwilling to look after jmplants and TBH I am surprised he was seen as a suitable candidate in the first place.

Which tooth is it? Would a bridge be an option

I take good care of my teeth and general health and I still wouldn't expect my partner to fork out for my medical bills, likewise he sees to his own.

I don't think it should be a case of saying no but having a proper discussion with your husband that it is a lot of money and his implants are more likely to fail due to his smoking.

Does he want implants enough to quit smoking to make them more lilely to be successful long term and so that money can go back in the pot or would he rather have a denture? You may find (sadly) that he would rather have a denture than quit smoking. As suggested by a previous poster he needs to spend some time smoke free before he goes ahead.

Yeah, no.
YANBU.

If he wants implants he should give up smoking and drinking and save for them. They’re not an essential of life. It’s not ‘paternalism’ or controlling to expect an adult to make responsible choices, rather the opposite!

I’ve lost 2 teeth due to mechanical damage rather than poor hygiene - neither was suitable for an implant for different reasons. I’ve got a bridge for the front incisor which seems fine (does depend on having good firm adjacent teeth of course) and the back molar I’ve just left - it doesn’t seem to be causing any issues and doesn’t show.

I have implants after an accident. Never smoked, don’t drink now.
Since I had them done I’ve saved as I know at some point they made replacing.
I dread it, but I take care of the ones I have, go to check ups, follow all advice.
Similar age to your husband.
Friend of mine had implants in Turkey last year as well as some crowns. Smokes and drinks. The whole lot are loose and she can’t afford to go back.
What happened with his denture shows his complete lack of care for himself.
£9000 is probably quite reasonable for the UK now, but in a couple of years the whole lot will fail.
Implants are good in that they help to retain your bones, but smoking robs your health of so much. And the constant sucking motion dries your mouth out, which means your mouth doesn’t stay clean, and you are in the situation your husband is in.
I would tell him whatever his decision is, he pays.
Every person I know with implants who smokes have not had viable implants after 3/4 years.