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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague is just bloody mean

33 replies

Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:35

I’ll make this as short as possible….

started a job about 5 years ago, and thought I got on with everyone in my team until now. We are a small team of 5, one has just got on mat leave, and company hasn’t recruited to fill the position. All of us are picking up the slack, and getting things done, we work a variety of shifts covering the mon-fri.

one team member has been there for years, but over the years (before I started) has been in various roles in the business, and has has lots of ups and downs in her personal life, which has been no secret- she openly discusses her mental health, and has lots of support from our team, and the whole business (over 100 employees).

the issue is that she will frequently be in a ‘mood’ because of (to everyone else) a minor inconvenience, but then takes it out on everyone else. If someone makes an error, or does something she doesn’t like, after she has had a bad day/ weekend (not often but we are human!) she will take it out on anyone- usually picks her victim, and it’s never usually the same person each time. This could be anything from shouting at them, or completely blanking them. This makes the work place a very uncomfortable place to be. However, everyone makes excuses for her. ‘Oh it’s just th way Sandra is’ ‘oh she will be fine in a couple of days’. Quite frankly I am sick of people making excuses for her- yes you may be in a bad mood- but there’s no need to be a shitty person.

this week, we were short staffed (one because of the mat leave but two because of annual leave). And on arriving at work on Monday, it was clearly my turn to be on the receiving end.

I am far from perfect, and when I do things wrong, I like to be corrected so that I don’t do it again/can learn from my mistakes. but as far as I am aware- I have done nothing. Yet, she completely stonewalled me ALL week, made my (already stressful!) week beyond stressful, I avoided my work environment for as much as I could, as In moving around the building. I am quite hardy, I take a lot on the chin- but my goodness, she broke me this week. I cried ALOT.

And yet everyone who had asked me why I was upset made excuses yet again- oh Sandra does this, don’t worry about it. I do not go to work to be made to feel like that, and nor should anyone else!

AIBU to make a formal complaint?

OP posts:
Spirallingdownwards · 27/03/2026 19:40

Absolutely. It amounts to workplace bullying and you don't have to put up with it because it is what Sandra is like

PinkIcedRing · 27/03/2026 19:42

I’ve worked with one of those. They bullied everyone, including far more senior people in the administration. Everyone justified it as “Oh that’s just how she is, just ignore her”, or “You know what she’s like”. They used her personal life (older, horrible husband, estranged children) as a reason for her being an enormous thundercunt. Ultimately, she bitched about me to management too many times and I ended up handing my notice in.

If the dynamic is to rationalise her bad behaviour, it’s unlikely it will ever change. I’d personally be looking for a way out.

BabooshkaHaHa · 27/03/2026 19:44

Disrespectful and bad behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated—anywhere and especially not at work. How’s your workplace for policies? Do you get staff reviews and supervision? You should be able to raise a concern that you’re not happy with the behaviour and explain how it makes you feel. Grown up work places don’t tolerate shouting — to name one of the behaviours.

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:48

PinkIcedRing · 27/03/2026 19:42

I’ve worked with one of those. They bullied everyone, including far more senior people in the administration. Everyone justified it as “Oh that’s just how she is, just ignore her”, or “You know what she’s like”. They used her personal life (older, horrible husband, estranged children) as a reason for her being an enormous thundercunt. Ultimately, she bitched about me to management too many times and I ended up handing my notice in.

If the dynamic is to rationalise her bad behaviour, it’s unlikely it will ever change. I’d personally be looking for a way out.

I think thundercunt is the exact word I was looking for. Her and I usually get along, and I can usually read her moods, so just stay out of the firing line.

I do think you are right, in terms of finding a way out- but I actually love my job, and am tied into a training contract for the next 12 months!

she makes no bones of the fact that she’s unhappy at work- she doesn’t ’need to work’. Sometimes I just want to retaliate and shout ‘well bloody well leave this place then’

OP posts:
Muttley1968 · 27/03/2026 19:49

Next time she does it, call her out on it. Tell her that neither you or anyone else for that matter needs to be her personal workplace emotional punchbag. Also tell her that she is not the only one with problems, it’s just that others choose not to take everything out on their work colleagues. She gets away with it because people let her. Make sure she knows that you won’t take her shitty behaviour even if others will

UltraAlox5 · 27/03/2026 19:50

I worked with someone like this, it was exhausting and draining. I was so glad when she left

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:51

BabooshkaHaHa · 27/03/2026 19:44

Disrespectful and bad behaviour shouldn’t be tolerated—anywhere and especially not at work. How’s your workplace for policies? Do you get staff reviews and supervision? You should be able to raise a concern that you’re not happy with the behaviour and explain how it makes you feel. Grown up work places don’t tolerate shouting — to name one of the behaviours.

We have quarterly reviews, but due to mat leave she has now had a change of direct line manager, and regardless of this, her previous manager, and new, all excuse her behaviour. So do I/ would you skip line manager and go direct to HR or your managers management?

OP posts:
Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:53

Muttley1968 · 27/03/2026 19:49

Next time she does it, call her out on it. Tell her that neither you or anyone else for that matter needs to be her personal workplace emotional punchbag. Also tell her that she is not the only one with problems, it’s just that others choose not to take everything out on their work colleagues. She gets away with it because people let her. Make sure she knows that you won’t take her shitty behaviour even if others will

Edited

I think this might be the way forward- I just fear her ‘crying wolf’. If she’s always the victim if you know what I mean? I am usually quite hardy and will stand up for myself, but just struggle with this one- I don’t want to jeporadise my job

OP posts:
Muttley1968 · 27/03/2026 19:56

Go to HR and explain the situation. How everyone tiptoes around her moods for fear of her possibly crying wolf if someone dares to call her out on her behaviour

KellsBells7 · 27/03/2026 19:58

Raise a grievance, you shouldn’t have to put up with behaviour like this.

KimuraTan · 27/03/2026 19:59

Straight to HR and cite the occasions and people involved or witnesses to the incident? Have you got CCTV at work?

Id be tempted to call her out and actually ask her to not speak to you in such a tone or create such an atmosphere.

HoraceCope · 27/03/2026 20:01

i work with the same sort of person but our team is now so very small sometimes it is just her and i.
it can make for some awkwardness
i have been driven near to tears when she involves someone else in her behaviour against me.
you dont have to be friends
other than that, i have no wise words

tripleginandtonic · 27/03/2026 20:02

Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:48

I think thundercunt is the exact word I was looking for. Her and I usually get along, and I can usually read her moods, so just stay out of the firing line.

I do think you are right, in terms of finding a way out- but I actually love my job, and am tied into a training contract for the next 12 months!

she makes no bones of the fact that she’s unhappy at work- she doesn’t ’need to work’. Sometimes I just want to retaliate and shout ‘well bloody well leave this place then’

Show quote history

So do that then. You need to stand up to people sometimes.

NoisyMonster678 · 27/03/2026 20:05

OP, take this up with HR, in writing and tell them what you said in your post because its high time the shit hits the fan for the loser you have as a colleague.

She has the cheek to upload al her mental health issues onto you and your colleagues then treats you like trash. She has no right to do this and your colleagues are making it worse by allowing her to get away with it.

She is harming your mental health and she must be stopped.

Go straight to HR, if there is no HR contact a manager and tell them and if the company do not reprimand her with a warning then contact Acas.

You have been through enough, its time it stopped.

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 20:08

KimuraTan · 27/03/2026 19:59

Straight to HR and cite the occasions and people involved or witnesses to the incident? Have you got CCTV at work?

Id be tempted to call her out and actually ask her to not speak to you in such a tone or create such an atmosphere.

Unfortunately no internal CCTV, just outside the building.

I think I’ll go have chat with her/our line manager formally, and if that doesn’t resolve anything then I’ll go to HR.

10 years ago, pre kids I’d of called her out the first time she did it, but I genuinely love my job, and don’t want to be dragged into her pettiness, I don’t want her to have any form of ‘counter claim’ if that makes sense? I work with a wonderful bunch of people (bar her!).

it’s really quite sad, because she can actually be a really lovely person- but it’s on HER terms.

OP posts:
5128gap · 27/03/2026 20:11

I think you need to challenge her, calmly and professionally every time she treats you inappropriately. She shouts at you, you say "Please don't raise your voice to me Sandra". She's rude to you, you say "Sandra, I don't think that comment was polite or professional".
Be very careful to only speak about the behaviour, no personal generalisations such as 'you're always so rude' or whatever, stay clam and polite, and ideally do it within earshot of others so there's witnesses you responded assertively but appropriately.
As no one usually does this to her, she will be likely to react strongly, either going further in her abuse of you, to a level that cant be brushed off, or complaining about you. Either way it brings the situation to a head and will mean management can't ignore it.

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 20:12

NoisyMonster678 · 27/03/2026 20:05

OP, take this up with HR, in writing and tell them what you said in your post because its high time the shit hits the fan for the loser you have as a colleague.

She has the cheek to upload al her mental health issues onto you and your colleagues then treats you like trash. She has no right to do this and your colleagues are making it worse by allowing her to get away with it.

She is harming your mental health and she must be stopped.

Go straight to HR, if there is no HR contact a manager and tell them and if the company do not reprimand her with a warning then contact Acas.

You have been through enough, its time it stopped.

I love this strait laced approach.

HR have been great when I have had my own mental health issues, fully supportive, and welcomed my return to work after a short period of leave. What I didn’t do was unload my issues on anyone else in the building- or take it out on anyone.

However, it makes me think maybe I could be a dick to people and be excused , purely because I have had previous mental health issues. Although not in my nature! I was lucky in that my issues were situational, and eventually removed myself from that and everything got better- I know not everyone else is that lucky.

OP posts:
worldshottestmom · 27/03/2026 20:13

I worked with someone like this, who was actually called Sandra. If thats her real name, I wonder...

Yeah, dont put it up with it, put the complaint in and encourage others too as well. The more complaints the better. I hate the enablers just as much as the person themselves tbh. If nobody put up with it and acted like it was normal, then it wouldn't be happening.

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 20:14

5128gap · 27/03/2026 20:11

I think you need to challenge her, calmly and professionally every time she treats you inappropriately. She shouts at you, you say "Please don't raise your voice to me Sandra". She's rude to you, you say "Sandra, I don't think that comment was polite or professional".
Be very careful to only speak about the behaviour, no personal generalisations such as 'you're always so rude' or whatever, stay clam and polite, and ideally do it within earshot of others so there's witnesses you responded assertively but appropriately.
As no one usually does this to her, she will be likely to react strongly, either going further in her abuse of you, to a level that cant be brushed off, or complaining about you. Either way it brings the situation to a head and will mean management can't ignore it.

I like this. And I feel this is the best way to approach it. Really appreciate this- it’s a way of ‘calling her out’ but diplomatically, and in earshot of others so nothing is misconstrued.

thank you

OP posts:
Calendulaaria · 27/03/2026 20:19

In a toxic workplace or family, the group will work to appease the sickest (scariest) member. If anyone sticks up their head to complain about that person, or tries to alert everyone to their behaviour, they will become hated. Not sure why it happens, but this is my family with my sister and I've also been in workplaces like it.

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 27/03/2026 20:33

Go to HR, tell them how this is affecting you and how it is violating your dignity at work. I once pointed out to a particularly obnoxious colleague who was very similar that I also had the right to dignity at work so was not prepared to accept her saying and doing whatever she wanted to me. She was gobsmacked.

ShredderQueen · 27/03/2026 21:58

Sometimes the best way to deal with bullying behaviour is just to ask them to repeat it. Be super innocent "Sorry Sandra, ypu said something, I didn't catch it...what did you say" "Sorry Sandra, you said I was lazy. What did you mean by that, I would like to understand?"

She cannot possibly co plain abput ypu/what ypu have said.

She, pretty much guaranteed, will not want to repeat herself as you have just shown her up (oh so politely).

You have brought attention to what she said...so other's ears will prick up...Again meaning she will not want to repeat ot and cannot complain about it.

Very low confrontation, very low risk yet can be very effective.

ThatLemonBee · 27/03/2026 22:19

Raise a grievance , being rude wow never ok , no mental health excuses either

Original poster
Workworkmorework · 30/03/2026 20:51

Small update…
I went forward with HR. They called me in and asked for full details, then called Sandra in. Then we both sat down for meditation of sorts. Felt a bit of a cop out- a half assed apology, based around her feelings of how she had a ‘rough weekend’ - despite the fact that this happened before the weekend. But there was admittance of her acting like a child and choosing to not communicate because I was ‘running the show’ because the manager was on annual leave. I Kind of couldn’t be bothered, but I Accepted her apology on the basis that it is now on HR radar. Tentatively hoping it won’t happen again- but we shall see. I’d like to think she has taken this as I won’t stand for infantile behaviour and I (and the team) are here to do our job.

OP posts:
TheSocialHermit · 30/03/2026 20:55

Workworkmorework · 27/03/2026 19:35

I’ll make this as short as possible….

started a job about 5 years ago, and thought I got on with everyone in my team until now. We are a small team of 5, one has just got on mat leave, and company hasn’t recruited to fill the position. All of us are picking up the slack, and getting things done, we work a variety of shifts covering the mon-fri.

one team member has been there for years, but over the years (before I started) has been in various roles in the business, and has has lots of ups and downs in her personal life, which has been no secret- she openly discusses her mental health, and has lots of support from our team, and the whole business (over 100 employees).

the issue is that she will frequently be in a ‘mood’ because of (to everyone else) a minor inconvenience, but then takes it out on everyone else. If someone makes an error, or does something she doesn’t like, after she has had a bad day/ weekend (not often but we are human!) she will take it out on anyone- usually picks her victim, and it’s never usually the same person each time. This could be anything from shouting at them, or completely blanking them. This makes the work place a very uncomfortable place to be. However, everyone makes excuses for her. ‘Oh it’s just th way Sandra is’ ‘oh she will be fine in a couple of days’. Quite frankly I am sick of people making excuses for her- yes you may be in a bad mood- but there’s no need to be a shitty person.

this week, we were short staffed (one because of the mat leave but two because of annual leave). And on arriving at work on Monday, it was clearly my turn to be on the receiving end.

I am far from perfect, and when I do things wrong, I like to be corrected so that I don’t do it again/can learn from my mistakes. but as far as I am aware- I have done nothing. Yet, she completely stonewalled me ALL week, made my (already stressful!) week beyond stressful, I avoided my work environment for as much as I could, as In moving around the building. I am quite hardy, I take a lot on the chin- but my goodness, she broke me this week. I cried ALOT.

And yet everyone who had asked me why I was upset made excuses yet again- oh Sandra does this, don’t worry about it. I do not go to work to be made to feel like that, and nor should anyone else!

AIBU to make a formal complaint?

You need to start playing at her own game and throw in some mental health jargon as a result of dealing with her shit