To be pissed off at Ex and DD

[MsSomebodyNow]

Just been notified by DD that her df has sent her a fr on sm. it’s the first I knew about him ever being on there. He said he always hated that shit when we were together 🤔
Anyway, I’m annoyed that I feel like it’s a power play, he’s only sent one to her, not our other DC, all adult kids.
He’s barely given a shit about any of them since we separated, was hardly present when we were together tbh.
The other thing I’m pissed off about, is that, I’m the one who has done pretty much everything for her and doing everything for her now. She doesn’t pay anything, she’s been saving to get her own place. Although that’s been going on for yrs now, she spent some on a car, then started saving again. I do all the cooking, cleaning,laundry. She doesn’t lift a frigin finger to help. And moans when I ask. (I know I’m a soft touch) I put up with pretty much the same for years in my marriage too 😬
Yet, she won’t have me has a friend on social media. She’s not an avid user, and it’s not something that bothered me, but accepting her df and refusing me has really pissed me off.
Do I need to chill? Please help me out here it’s really wound me up x

I'd be more pissed off at your daughter paying fuck all and doing fuck all.

I'd be more pissed off at your daughter paying fuck all and doing fuck all.

Exactly. Not sure why you laughing about being 'a soft touch'.

Yes, you need to chill. Your ex being a social media is none of your business and it really shouldn't be taking up any head space, nor should your DD not being friends with you on social media.
She's taking the p out of you in the home though. It's time she started pulling her weight and contributing.

So, you've raised a spoilt brat, you do everything for her, and you're more concerned that she hasn't added you on Facebook?

I am daily, sadly she learnt that from her darling father 😡

I don't think him sending her a friend request and her accepting is a problem. Not sure why you are annoyed at him about this.

If she doesn't want you on SM maybe explore why this is. Ask her.

It's fair enough to be pissed off at her lack of help but as you have raised her this is kind of on you. Stop being a soft touch. Tell her what you expect her to do.

I think not taking money from her so she can save is a good think if you can afford it, whether for a car or house. An alternative if she is struggling to save is to charge her board and save the money for her.

Blaming her father for everything is the wrong attitude. It's easy enough to stop cooking her meals and doing her laundry. The situation you're in now is on you.

Rather than drip feed, I’ll just add now that my dd had serious mental health issues, suicide attempts, self harming etc. so we tiptoed around her afraid of upsetting her for many years. This has contributed a great deal I feel to her attitude of entitlement now. No amount of talking to her now works. Whenever I try she pulls the mental health card on me. But yes I am a soft touch, and she knows exactly how to play it. My other dc tell me constantly she manipulates me.

This literally is a drip feed.

Well thank goodness you didn't drip-feed this.

I didn’t want to give a full life history, sorry x

I didn’t want to make excuses for the situation sorry. I’m more than prepared to take accountability for my actions in this x

If your ex and dd are manipulative then you’re playing right into their hands by getting upset about this. Play it cool.

So tell her she neds to start paying her way?

stop blaming your ex.

You're the one accepting her behaviour and still doing it all.

Stop doing it. Dont do anything for her.

"learned that from her father" - no she learnt it from you.

I’ve tried so many times to ask her to contribute but it’s always the same outcome. She starts an argument about it, tells me she’s not here for me to profit from 😵‍💫 storms off whenever I try to explain. Won’t speak for days, makes the environment so horrible I just want to cry.
my ex was just the same whenever I tried discussing anything with him, so I just remained silent for peace and my sanity until I could take no more of what was going on.

i just don’t understand why she and df are so take take take and all our other dc and I will give you the last penny we have. I know there’s a happy medium. And there’s a lot in my upbringing that’s makes me the way I am and how I’ve always tried to teach my dc to be thoughtful and giving. I just think I’m extreme in my giving and can’t find a way to change it, even though I know people close to me are taking the piss out of me and it’s killing me.

but you are a grown adult. Give her a date by which she has to be out, or she has to do half the housework, cooking, cleaning etc etc.

And if she doesn't like it? she can go and live with her dad.

Social media isn't the problem.

This! The SM seems to be a bit of a red herring.

so?

one of my offspring had an attempt at her life, depression and self harming. When we had got over the worst of it, offspring realised off their own bat that staying with the safety net of parents didn't give the impetus to get on and try to make their life work. So they moved into a shared house and it isn't smooth, it deffo isn't perfect, but it is working as intended. There is a job, there is therapy, and there is fun to be had too.

Safety net is still there, and we have the advantage of parents still being together and stepping in upon request (or just when we want to). Perhaps, OP, your DD needs to stand on her own two feet?

I can’t, I’m too soft, I wish I could be that firm with her. When her dad did finally leave she said she was going to move in with him. They’ve never been close, so I didn’t understand why? But he didn’t want her too, and he wouldn’t live with her. But I’d never tell her that, he fobbed her off with some crap

Oh OP, it is hard for you. But you are a parent, you have to learn that sometimes the tough-er love is what they need. Really, it is better for all of you.

ifs not like she’s not even been away from home, she was away at uni. But still brought her washing home. Phoned up for us to take food over etc. she wants her own place but just plays incompetent constantly. She has a good job, well payed and I just really want her to move out. She acts like her life is so difficult because she needs her own space but then complains about the cost of rent/utilities but won’t see that from my point of view.
i think that’s why I’m pissed off about the fr, I feel like I’m being even more disrespected because I do everything, he doesn’t give a fk really and she’s acting like she’s the favourite dc now.

Yes, I think that’s why was my tipping point x

Don't cook for her, don't do her washing, don't clean her room. Don't buy her clothes or toiletries. If she kicks up a fuss, tell her to go and live with her dad.

Her remark about you making a profit from her would absolutely enrage me.

Charging rent and her doing chores in a shared home isn't you profitering off her.... she's an adult and adults pay their way. She's a manipulative selfish madam, make a date even if it's a year from now and she either moves out or starts paying a rate that you decide.