To be pissed off at Ex and DD

[MsSomebodyNow]

Just been notified by DD that her df has sent her a fr on sm. it’s the first I knew about him ever being on there. He said he always hated that shit when we were together 🤔
Anyway, I’m annoyed that I feel like it’s a power play, he’s only sent one to her, not our other DC, all adult kids.
He’s barely given a shit about any of them since we separated, was hardly present when we were together tbh.
The other thing I’m pissed off about, is that, I’m the one who has done pretty much everything for her and doing everything for her now. She doesn’t pay anything, she’s been saving to get her own place. Although that’s been going on for yrs now, she spent some on a car, then started saving again. I do all the cooking, cleaning,laundry. She doesn’t lift a frigin finger to help. And moans when I ask. (I know I’m a soft touch) I put up with pretty much the same for years in my marriage too 😬
Yet, she won’t have me has a friend on social media. She’s not an avid user, and it’s not something that bothered me, but accepting her df and refusing me has really pissed me off.
Do I need to chill? Please help me out here it’s really wound me up x

My exDH was a lazy cocklodger. I felt bad about ruining DDs happy childhood when we divorced and, having grown up in poverty, wanted her to have everything I didnt. Unfortunately she took it with her dad's attitude and became a complete spoilt brat 🙈 at 14 i've given up and let her live with darling daddy. I've had a few messages: she wanted me to take her on holiday for her birthday. Tough love from now on, so no! I'm done bending over backwards for scraps/disdain.

Tell her 'profiting' from her is nonsense and that you're changing the locks three months from today unless she starts behaving like the grown up she is.

She's learnt it from you because you are the one doing it all for her. The fbfr is nothing to get worked up about.

It’s not even about the money, I don’t need it. I manage fine without any contribution from her. I’ve even accepted I think that her not giving me anything means she’ll save more, quicker, and be able to move out sooner. That’s been my thinking and hope.
The other dc’s contributed when they lived at home, their own choice and more than happy too. She’s the youngest and has an attitude that boing the youngest everyone else has had more than her 🤷‍♀️
If she would at least do something around the house I don’t think it would be as bad, but just asking her to bring her washing down, or taking her clean laundry upstairs, she huffs and puffs at me, says she’s busy or just totally ignores me. She’s such hard work 🫩

If she won't bring her washing down or take the clean washing back upstairs, just stop doing her washing. The solution is in your hands but you seem scared of her reaction.

You are constantly on tenterhooks and walking on egg shells so as not to upset her. That is no life for you. She is rude, entitled and ungrateful. She sounds like a chip off the old block where her dad is concerned.

Stop with the victim nonsense and assert yourself.

Well, that's an easy one to solve - stop doing her laundry.
She huffs and puffs anyway while you're doing it, so just let her huff and puff over you NOT doing it.

Next, meals ... cook for yourself, not her. Yes there will be more huffing and puffing but so what?

If she really doesn't like it she can go and stay with her dad.

You've got to start being more assertive, OP.

no.. she learnt it from you. That you let her do nothing and she can get away with it. Stand up for yourself and introduce some boundaries (but not because of asocial media - that's just pathetic)

Presuming no SEN difficulty.

Notify DD that she needs to pay rent. Set the amount somewhere about 50% of market rate so she can still save.

Stop doing her chores and just let it pile up in her room. Don't cook or anything.

Secretly put the rent in a savings account and gift it to her after she is gone for 6 months or more.

Not good for anyone to be dependent and bratty as an adult.

Stop being a martyr/doormat and you'll feel these things less acutely.