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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I Using Parenting As A Clutch?

35 replies

JBlige · 27/03/2026 11:08

Hey mums, would love to know your thoughts on this.

My husband recently said that he feels I use “parenting” as a crutch to not want to socialise. For context, my husband is part of a men’s group that meet up regularly. They’ve recently thought about adding ladies to this mix, and my hubby would like me to get involved. But the issue is, I don’t really want to.

I would much rather have one on one conversations with my friends or make new friends this way. Most of the people in this group aren’t parents; we’re the only ones with a toddler and ours is very active/clingy. The thought of going to a large event with barely any other little ones (if any) just makes me feel like I’m going to spend my time mainly looking after my child instead of socialising, so what’s the point?

Hubby thinks I’m not giving it a chance and just using that as an excuse to not want to socialise.

What do you think and is there any one else who can relate?

OP posts:

NewZebra · 27/03/2026 11:11

crutch

Velumental · 27/03/2026 11:11

Crutch. How on earth would you use anything as a clutch?

Also his idea sounds very dull depending on what they do and do they ant your toddler there? I dunno I am a bit like you but I still occasionally go to social things with my husband's pals because it's nice to be together you know

nutbrownhare15 · 27/03/2026 11:11

I think you mean 'crutch' (something you lean on). I would say to him you are happy to attend as long as he's completely in charge of your kid.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/03/2026 11:14

I’d feel the same way, it’s not fun being the only parent running around after a child while everyone else is nice and relaxed. You know your own mind, don’t let DP make you think you don’t.

SpiceGirlsNeedAComeBack · 27/03/2026 11:15

Sod that, who wants to run around after a toddler while everyone else is having a good time. My idea of hell.

Original poster

JBlige · 27/03/2026 11:15

Should be crutch instead of clutch, apologies!

OP posts:

MagpiePi · 27/03/2026 11:17

Go, but make it clear that your DH will have sole charge of your toddler while you are there.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 27/03/2026 11:17

Came on to say don't use your foot on your dc.. But seriously you can be a bloody good dm and have time for yourself.

VoltaireMittyDream · 27/03/2026 11:19

Your DP sounds like a patronising controlling arse, TBH. Plus why the fuck would anyone want to go to their husband’s ‘men’s group’ ?

I’m imagining the sort of event where you sit in a circle with a talking stick, discussing paleo diets and ice baths.

JLou08 · 27/03/2026 11:22

I wouldn't want to go either. You prefer 1:1 over group socialising, there's nothing wrong with that. I don't see it as you using parenting as a crutch, you just don't want to go and you're right in thinking it won't be any fun being the only one there looking after a toddler.

Snorlaxo · 27/03/2026 11:23

Does your h take your toddler to his meetups? Do these meetups involve alcohol and drinking?

I suspect that you’re both right and wrong.

My guess is that he doesn’t know how stressful it is to look after your child because you’re there to do it but it’s also very possible that you’re using your child as an excuse not to socialize. People with kids can be friends with people without kids. Meeting a group could be a good way for you to meet people you might want to meet one on one.

I like the idea of you going but h being in charge of looking after your child. Hopefully you’ll have a good time and he’ll see how hard it is to look after a child and you’ll both respect each other’s experience.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 27/03/2026 11:26

Your husband can take his child along, then his issue is solved.

Decline his offer to attend a men's group, you have your own friends.

Single sex groups are important.

DeQuin · 27/03/2026 11:32

Lots of things muddled in together.

Your DH wants to socialise with you and thinks you are using being a parent as an excuse not to socialise. If this is the case (and he may have a point), get a babysitter / do babysitting swaps with another parent. Go out socialising with your husband; with other friends, or just the two of you (ideally a bit of both). It's a good thing to do if you can anyway -- or go out socialising (1:1 or in a group as you see fit) in the way you want to entirely on your own without your toddler. You have social needs, and socialising with a toddler is better than being 1:1 with a toddler 24/7 but doesn't really meet an adult's social needs fully.

Your DH wants you to come to his men's group. That feels weird all on its own, but maybe it's a group of friends and he wants you to be part of it. As above, but if you agree to go (as part of a wider "we do socialising in a variety of ways" way) without the toddler in tow.

Your DH has no clue how hard it is to "socialise" with a toddler. If he is a decent human being, he needs to learn. He can try socialising with the toddler without you. He will discover that he cannot finish full sentences and is on child alert all the time (or should be). It is not an excuse to say that it is very hard to socialise in a meaningful way with a toddler in tow.

Viviennemary · 27/03/2026 11:45

It doesn't sound like a very good group for you. If he wants to go fine. Don't you go if you don't want to. It sounds grim.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 27/03/2026 11:48

But the issue is, I don’t really want to.

Don't accept this as an issue, not wanting to attend an event is valid and 100% optional. If your husband is unhappy, that is also fine, he can find a solution that doesn't involve making his wife unhappy.

ColdAsAWitches · 27/03/2026 12:09

Why do you have to bring your child? It doesn't sound like anyone else does. So in that way, it does sound like you're making an excuse. Can't you get a babysitter and go out without your kid?

5128gap · 27/03/2026 12:57

No. It sounds to me as though rather than being an excuse or crutch, being a parent is something that makes socialising different and more challenging. And that if you're going to make the effort to overcome the challenges, you naturally want to feel the reward is worth it.
Spending time with your existing friends feels more worth it than taking a chance with a bunch of people you've never met before and are not especially interested in.
It's telling that your husband doesn't get this, because its a sign parenting doesn't make socialising more difficult for him. I'm guessing he isn't the one who'd be taking the lead on making sure the DC were supervised, entertained and so on.

toomuchfaff · 27/03/2026 13:56

nutbrownhare15 · 27/03/2026 11:11

I think you mean 'crutch' (something you lean on). I would say to him you are happy to attend as long as he's completely in charge of your kid.

This.

Tell him this and see if he is still 100%, because if he wants you there to still do all the childcare then he is being unreasonable.

And beware if he says yes but acts NO; that first event you go to; you have 5% involvement looking after your child as opposed to his 95%

LoveWine123 · 27/03/2026 14:16

Are you using it as a crutch? If your toddler wasn’t the issue would you still not want to go? Do you go out and socialise? The way you prefer to do it? Perhaps be honest with your DH and tell him you prefer to socialise in a different way if that’s the case. I don’t see anything wrong with his suggestion to be honest, it’s a great way to socialise as a family and you can take turns looking after your child.

Sassylovesbooks · 27/03/2026 14:32

Would children even be invited to this group? It sounds to me as if your husband's Men's group are thinking of adding wives/girlfriends to the group, and your husband would like you to attend with him. It seems that he's wanting to socialise with you, and feels you are using your child as an excuse not too. I get the feeling that this group is adults only!

Do you have parents/in-laws/siblings/friends who can babysit for you? If you really don't want to go to the group then don't but I think your husband is trying to spend some adult time with you and other adults. Do you go out as a couple? Either meeting up with other couples or go out just the two of you? Do you go out with your friends?

If you don't have anyone to babysit, then I'm not sure how your husband expects you to socialise with a toddler!! The only way is separately or you need to find a babysitting service.

You need a conversation with your husband!

Endofyear · 27/03/2026 16:56

Do you socialise with your own friends? Do you have friends that you socialise with as a couple? If so, you can point out to him that you're happy socialising but that you're just not interested in being added to his 'men's group' and being expected to socialise with the groups wives. Is he a mason? I've had friends whose husbands are in the masons and they say that the events they're expected to go to are pretty boring!

redskyAtNigh · 27/03/2026 17:01

But the issue is, I don’t really want to.
I would much rather have one on one conversations with my friends or make new friends this way.

So your DH is right that you are using your toddler as an excuse to get out of going to this group? Why not just say you don't like mixing with big groups and prefer to meet people 1 on 1 as you've said here?

I would just do a mental check that you aren't using "being a parent" to opt out of any social activities- it's all too easy to do this and realise in a few years time that your child doesn't need you in the same way any more and your friends have all drifted away.

mindutopia · 27/03/2026 17:13

I mean I can think of few things worse than having to socialise with the wives from the tennis club or golf or whatever.

It’s fine to say, that doesn’t sound enjoyable and I’d rather stick to spending time with my friends who I enjoy.

When this happens with Dh, the crux of the issue is that he is anxious about socialising and doesn’t want to go hang out with his friends alone, so wants me to come along so I carry the conversation and he doesn’t feel awkward. 🙄 I don’t do stuff I don’t enjoy or hang out with people I don’t really like, kids or no kids.

Abd80 · 27/03/2026 17:19

YANBU. I wouldn’t go either. Even if I didn’t have a toddler !

SparklyLeader · 28/03/2026 18:36

Your husband asked you to go to a group he's involved with. Go as a show of support and respect for him. If you don't like it don't go back. It reads as if you might be a bit uncomfortable around people you don't know but he wants you to be involved with him. That's a really important consideration. In marriage people have to go to events or meetings or socializing they don't want to go to all the time. Does he go with you when you have stuff like that? Or are you too homebound?

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