Am I Using Parenting As A Clutch?

[JBlige]

Hey mums, would love to know your thoughts on this.

My husband recently said that he feels I use “parenting” as a crutch to not want to socialise. For context, my husband is part of a men’s group that meet up regularly. They’ve recently thought about adding ladies to this mix, and my hubby would like me to get involved. But the issue is, I don’t really want to.

I would much rather have one on one conversations with my friends or make new friends this way. Most of the people in this group aren’t parents; we’re the only ones with a toddler and ours is very active/clingy. The thought of going to a large event with barely any other little ones (if any) just makes me feel like I’m going to spend my time mainly looking after my child instead of socialising, so what’s the point?

Hubby thinks I’m not giving it a chance and just using that as an excuse to not want to socialise.

What do you think and is there any one else who can relate?

you probably are but i’ve totally done the same. But thinking about it; if you don’t want to socialise you absolutely don’t have to, and neither should we as grown ups have to explain why. having children is a smashing excuse though. i still use it even though i can leave the chn for a few hours in their own now they are older!!

sometimes i just don’t fancy hanging out with groups of people. so i don’t!!

Your husband is more extroverted than you. Introverts ( like me) did find the children excuse useful socially because social company is not what energises me, in fact it tires me out. Some people get energy off others, introverts find others rather draining and get energy from their own company, especially when the children are busy in themselves or asleep. So not so much as a crutch - you don’t have to lean on others, more an excuse. Shore up your husbands confidence by saying how you admire his social nature and wish you were more like him and hope he can put up with your lack of it.
I also realised after they grew up how I loved the babysitter excuse, sorry got to go because of the babysitter. Bliss. Just know your strengths and as for joining his men’s club! I think it’s him that needs a crutch 😄time he pulled up his big boy pants.

I see where you are coming from.

I think it would not be ideal if you didn’t want to socialise with anyone.

but I think a group with other families / children would be much better.

Why does he need to do 95% and her 5% ? Just because he wants to go to an event with his wife? Wtf? Both me and my DP want eachoter to be part of our friends groups. It doesn’t mean we always go together but we do make an effort. We have young DCs his friends have teenagers so we either try to get a babysitter or if we have to take dcs to an event we look after them equally, why is it the man having to do the majority jus because he would like his wife ti attend? If we end up taking children one of us comes only for few hours and takes the children home earlier. It’s all about compromise and see what works and making effort for each others groups of friends.
OP I get that sometimes logistically it can be difficult when you have a toddler but if you refuse completely to socialise with his friends I can see why it’s hurtful for him. I’d be annoyed too.

Because the thinking is that he wants her to attend with the kids without thinking he is going to have to do any parenting, and OP will in fact have to do it all. Did you read any of the OP thread?

Thats why the suggestion is to elicit whether DH will accept OP going but not taking any parental responsibility.

I am of the view that, when offered an opportunity, it is usually worthwhile at least giving it a shot. Go along once and see how it feels, rather than dismiss it out of hand without experiencing how it actually is. If, after one try, you decide it's really not for you, then fair enough - don't go again. What have you got to lose apart from a couple of hours?

"I want you to sit with the wives that you don't know." - husbands

Do any of the adults at this group want a toddler there?

You can absolutely decide you don't want to join this group for reasons unrelated to parenting - own it and tell him the truth.

What is the group? Why has it been male-only till now? Why do they want women to join suddenly? 4

If you have any interest in doing whatever it is this group does, then I suppose worth giving it a go, but on the basis that your husband looks after your toddler entirely for the entire time you're there.

I don’t think it is cut and dried.

On the one hand it sounds as though your DH is in denial that he is a parent if he is thinking you can join a social group as the only parents to young children or that you can just bring a clingy child along without consequences for him or it irritating the other adults who may not chose to have/bring any [older] children.

However, it may ALSO be that you are a bit enmeshed in your toddler’s clinginess (only you can know that) as it serves a purpose (eg makes you feel needed, provides a foil to avoid socialising etc).

Have you always preferred one-to-one/small group socialising in which case he is being unreasonable, or have you withdrawn into yourself since becoming a mother, having previously been a social butterfly? If the latter, then maybe address why you have changed and how this impacts your relationship - you may be able to find a middle ground where both your needs are met.