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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NCT group dynamics

43 replies

rockinrobins · 27/03/2026 10:31

I've been in an NCT mums group for 8 months now, seen them most weeks since babies were tiny.

It's been great to have a group of mums to talk to, however I've started to feel I don't quite 'fit in' and need some advice how to manage the situation.

I'm quite arty, creative etc and am neurodivergent (ADHD). They are mostly into sports, fitness, more mainstream TV like Love is Blind etc. They are mostly lovely people but we just don't have a huge amount in common except for the babies and I can't join in conversations about TV and running.

A couple of weeks ago me and DH were out for a walk and I came across two of them standing around waiting and stopped to say hi, during which time two more arrived, and it was clear they had all arranged to meet for a walk without me.

I won't lie, it kind of stung. The main WhatsApp group has gone quiet so I think they've almost definitely split off and started another one.

What should I do? It's so awkward because we have a weekly meet up with all of us, but I know they are starting to split off and I feel weird about being the spare wheel if I'm not really wanted.

AIBU to start to slowly detach myself? Even though I like them I feel like they're choosing to split off from me and I just don't want to put in the effort if it's not reciprocal!

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 27/03/2026 10:36

YANBU, sounds like a natural end, you don’t have much in common with them or share the same
interests.

dizzydizzydizzy · 27/03/2026 10:43

That’s not nice of them. I don’t think there’s a lot you can do other than find a new friendship group.

I’ve also got ADHD and one of the mums in my group wanted to change the meet up day because the shops were a little busy that day. Everyone except her agreed to another day and her reason for not doing that day was because it was the same day (not the same time though) as the baby clinic at her surgery. She wanted to change it to the day of the baby clinic at my surgery, which I explained. Shortly after that, I went on a 2-week holiday. When I came back, they told me they had changed the day to the day of my baby clinic. I was not happy, especially as I didn’t drive and lived in a rural location with an infrequent bus service, so going out twice in one day was difficult. I did point all this out when I next saw them but it all fell on deaf ears. Eventually I just stopped seeing them.

And rejection sensitivity is real with ADHD.

PeriPrime · 27/03/2026 10:44

How many in the group in total?

Join all the baby groups near you that you can and you will meet people more like you.

Sartre · 27/03/2026 10:45

You just have different interests which is normal and happens in lots of social situations. The fact you have ADHD is to ally irrelevant and I’m sure they have no idea whatsoever. They all just so happen to share interests so they bond over those but you can’t join in because you don’t.

I know how it feels. I’m an academic and I was at a dinner after a conference last year. The other women were discussing programmes just like that- Love is Blind, Love Island, MAFS etc which I have never watched and would have absolutely no desire to watch so I just sat silently and felt awkward as chuff. Not really much you can do, unless you’re willing to feign interest which I wasn’t.

SunSparkle · 27/03/2026 10:46

Sometimes you just don’t gel with others and it’s ok! Perhaps you can start focusing on finding other mum mates at playgroups or stay and plays or go on Peanut. Our NcT split into two as it was clear that interests and stuff were so different.

HollyhockDays · 27/03/2026 10:46

If you’re still happy with the weekly meet ups stick with them but explore other groups as well.

minipie · 27/03/2026 10:50

I think you have to tell yourself that these were useful people to know when you were in the baby trenches but it was always clear it would come to an end due to being quite different. Ok it stings when they separate earlier than you might have wanted. But it was always going to happen.

If you still enjoy the weekly meet ups then keep going, don’t feel like you shouldn’t go. But equally, I agree with the advice to branch out and hopefully find people more your style.

Bearbookagainandagain · 27/03/2026 10:52

I wouldn't assume that the whole group has set up a new WhatsApp without you. It's more likely that a few of them have built a stronger bond and organised their own things.
I understand it might sting a bit but as you said yourself, you didn't have much in common beyond the NCT setting.

Our group also started to dwindle around that time. Some of us went back to work, those still on mat leave started joining different baby groups in their area, etc.
We kept using the WhatsApp for general questions and advice as our toddlers grew, but didn't really meet up as a group past the babies first birthday.

4 years down the line, we only kept in touch with 1 couple out of 8. But we still share big updates on the WhatsApp, or occasionally ask questions.

RoyalPenguin · 27/03/2026 10:52

In my experience, NCT groups are a lifeline when your baby is tiny and you are feeling completely clueless and overwhelmed. Then at some point most groups do divide in some way - either a complete split, or some people stay in touch but not all. You say yourself that you don't have much in common with these people. Are you staying in contact with them out of habit or do you really value the friendships? If it's the latter, there's no harm in continuing with the weekly meet ups and accepting that some of them are in contact more regularly. If it's the former, maybe time to do a slow fade. You say you don't want to put in the effort if they don't, but is meeting once a week a huge effort for any of you? Decide whether it's worth it for you.

Peonies12 · 27/03/2026 10:56

Our group divided, mostly based on those who were keen to meet often and who live nearer each other, I don't think anyone minded. As you say, all you have in common is having the same age baby! Assuming everyone will return to work in the next few months anyway, you won't be speaking or meeting as much anyway. We've barely met since everyone went back to work.

Chatsbots · 27/03/2026 11:03

The ADHD is very relevant here as it causes issues with groups and the rejection sensitivity is a bastard to deal with. Overthink it for a while and then find other, more suitable friends that understand ND...will just be more comfortable.

Ahsheeit · 27/03/2026 11:07

They're just not your people. The group was what you needed for a period of time and it's fine to move on to something that is more you. I only lasted 5 sessions with the NCT group I went to years ago, as we were all just so different.

OriginalUsername2 · 27/03/2026 11:09

They are mostly lovely people but we just don't have a huge amount in common except for the babies

That’s how some will feel about you too. There’s no malice from you to them, so remind yourself that it’s the same neutral feeling from them to you.

It’s natural for some to click more than others and become friends. Keep them in your mind as acquaintances and go to the group for as long as you enjoy it or until it fades out. It’s always nice to have friendly people to randomly say hi to even if they don’t become friends.

Lookayonder · 27/03/2026 11:12

I had a similar experience with my NCT group and I don't have ADHD and still felt incredibly hurt by it. Looking back I can see that I didn't have much in common with the rest of them but having your first baby is such a transformative time and it can be very lonely and to find that the group of people you were meeting up regularly and shared experiences with were meeting up without you, of course it is going to hurt.

Thankfully I had been attending other baby groups and I became friends with some mums at a music group which is the last place I thought I'd meet mum friends but four years on, we have a very regular whats app group and we've had many birthday parties, meet ups and drinks without babies too!

Is there any groups you have joined. Sometimes friendships can happen when you lease expect it.

Bushmillsbabe · 27/03/2026 11:14

As others have said, it's (usually) great for first few months and then groups can fracture. You are only linked by having babies at same time in same area, so it's pot luck if will properly bond.

We did it with DD1 10 years ago, only in regular contact with 1 of the 6 other families now and occasional with 1 more, and then DD2 was just before covid so lost contact before could build any proper bonds.

APatternGrammar · 27/03/2026 11:17

Are there any you get on with more than the others? You could try and pursue individual friendships with them if so. If not, it sounds like you haven’t really clicked with them.
You could post things you‘re actually interested in in the group, e.g. baby cinema, someone might surprise you.

powersthatbe · 27/03/2026 11:18

Just quietly slope off. Focus your energy on finding long term friends with interests that you can share together with your kids. Parenting friendships will come and go. Recognise the support you got from nct in the early days and quietly move on, no drama.

IglesiasPiggl · 27/03/2026 11:23

NCT groups are formed because you live reasonably near each other and have a baby at the same time. That is really all the group has in common, so most of them shrink or disband over time. Mine lasted until they started school, when people moved away and the kids all went to separate schools. But two people had split off before then as they found other groups they preferred.

NCT is to help you through the initial new born period, don't worry if that's where it ends, you'll meet loads of other people at baby activities etc.

Scripturient · 27/03/2026 11:23

Peonies12 · 27/03/2026 10:56

Our group divided, mostly based on those who were keen to meet often and who live nearer each other, I don't think anyone minded. As you say, all you have in common is having the same age baby! Assuming everyone will return to work in the next few months anyway, you won't be speaking or meeting as much anyway. We've barely met since everyone went back to work.

Exactly. Our group just didn't really gel at all, as a group. As you say, it's a random selection of people brought together by a single shared experience that doesn't tend to be enough to hold a diverse mix of people after a certain point. I'd long ago lost touch with my NCT group before I returned to work. You know you don't have much in common with them. Continue to attend the general group meetings if you enjoy them. If you don't, don't. You can't control other people's behaviour, only your own.

GreenDogDot · 27/03/2026 11:34

I think it’s natural for groups to start splitting off and it doesn’t make those people unkind although I can appreciate that you would feel left out in the scenario of bumping into them.

I loved our group, we’re all back at work now and seeing much less of each other but I’m part of a group of three that meet up socially with husbands too, a couple of others that I meet up with for baby stuff, one I see only in the whole group meet-ups usually and a couple that don’t really join in at all. I’m sure that the others have also formed groups that don’t include me. It doesn’t mean that I actively dislike anyone just that location, interests etc. form more natural relationships with some more than others.

I’d say that TV tastes as a means of judging people is a bit off though, two of the women I’m closest too spent a significant amount of their time during the cluster feeding days watching reality TV whilst I spent it watching murder documentaries. They’re both intelligent with high-flying careers, they also enjoy mindless trash TV!

Original poster
rockinrobins · 28/03/2026 06:50

Thanks all! It seems like beginning a gradual fade out might be the way to go, although I'm not really sure quite how to do that - we've already arranged a date to have a gathering for the babies' first birthday which I've committed to - so it would feel awkward to stop going to things before then.

How would you recommend approaching it?

OP posts:
Original poster
rockinrobins · 28/03/2026 06:50

Just to clarify @GreenDogDot I'm not judging trashy TV, it's just another thing I don't have in common/ can't talk about with them so I'm left out of conversations. Outside of babies the talk is largely about holidays (which is fine), TV and fitness. Nothing wrong with it - just none of it is me.

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 28/03/2026 07:01

rockinrobins · 28/03/2026 06:50

Thanks all! It seems like beginning a gradual fade out might be the way to go, although I'm not really sure quite how to do that - we've already arranged a date to have a gathering for the babies' first birthday which I've committed to - so it would feel awkward to stop going to things before then.

How would you recommend approaching it?

You don't need to actively do anything. The fading is already happening. Other people have made closer links than you have.

My baby group was similar - i occasionally would see the same group of 3 out and about together but I hadn't found lasting friendships in the group. I bumped into one of the mums a dozen years later when our kids ended up at the same hobby. Their little group had really bonded and were still in contact, which was a lovely outcome for them. I found my tribe when my kids started school.

If you've arranged to go to the birthday do and you want to go, then go. Have a nice time and chat to the people you like.
Next time there's a meet up suggested, go or don't go.

Allswellthatendswelll · 28/03/2026 07:15

We last all met up together for the babies first birthday. There was definitely a shift as people went back to work. That said we are still friends with 4 couples and two others we still occasionally see through each other as they were closer to other members. Would you want to reach out to one or two others and organise something one on one?

13RidgmontRoad · 28/03/2026 07:28

The only thing you have in common with these people is that you all had sex and conceived around the same time. Sometimes natural affinities/connections will allow friendships to bloom from that, sometimes not. It's not you, it's not them. You will find your people.