NCT group dynamics

[rockinrobins]

I've been in an NCT mums group for 8 months now, seen them most weeks since babies were tiny.

It's been great to have a group of mums to talk to, however I've started to feel I don't quite 'fit in' and need some advice how to manage the situation.

I'm quite arty, creative etc and am neurodivergent (ADHD). They are mostly into sports, fitness, more mainstream TV like Love is Blind etc. They are mostly lovely people but we just don't have a huge amount in common except for the babies and I can't join in conversations about TV and running.

A couple of weeks ago me and DH were out for a walk and I came across two of them standing around waiting and stopped to say hi, during which time two more arrived, and it was clear they had all arranged to meet for a walk without me.

I won't lie, it kind of stung. The main WhatsApp group has gone quiet so I think they've almost definitely split off and started another one.

What should I do? It's so awkward because we have a weekly meet up with all of us, but I know they are starting to split off and I feel weird about being the spare wheel if I'm not really wanted.

AIBU to start to slowly detach myself? Even though I like them I feel like they're choosing to split off from me and I just don't want to put in the effort if it's not reciprocal!

Would add, in the thick of it it feels like "I must make friends now now now or I and my child will be friendless forever" - but that isn't the reality.

I highly doubt they have started a separate group without just you. What’s more likely to have happened is separate friendships have formed within the group, which does happen a lot, but is tough for those that don’t have the same relationships.

Best way to look at it is this is just a support group for the early stages of having a newborn, rather than a group of good friends.

Surely everyone gets rejection sensitivity?! I am a bog standard NT person and would find this really upsetting!

Bless you op you have just not found your tribe yet. Go to different groups and classes and put yourself out there. Not in touch with any NCT parents but friends I met at playgroups are now dear long term friends (the babies doing their a levels next year!)

They're not your crowd.

We often make happy acquaintances going through the stages of motherhood, which we move on from. Don't worry.

At this point they created their own little group and didn’t invite you so it’s done.

I didn’t want to hang out with the NCT mums for the same reason, they were different. We didn’t have much in common apart from our babies. They were the Love Island type too, didn’t have an opinion on any topic that’s more serious than who should leave the island. After two meetings I realised we would never be friends in real life if it wasn’t for NCT. What’s the point.

Nobody said you must hang out with them. You can meet other mums in baby classes or just be on your own with your baby. Find someone who is more like you.

If you like the social side I would break them down into smaller groups and invite them out for coffee 1-1, which is probably what they're doing. See if that helps the dynamics. Or if you're done with the friendship just stop turning up except for the first birthday. No need to over explain or apologise.

Just to add I agree that it's totally normal to feel rejected. I now get social anxiety about potentially being left out of the school mums although it is less intense certainly than when I was in the hormone trenches. I also ended up making friends with people through groups and at the school gate.

I would put more effort into finding likeminded people, they’ve served a purpose but life is too short to feel like you don’t fit in with people. There are plenty who are like you! It’s okay that they have split up into a smaller group. Sometimes friendships are shortlived, for a specific reason and then it fades. Not everything has to be permanent. And this is okay.

Where is the judgement???

I’d agree if OP had only mentioned the tv bit and ridiculed what they watched but she didn’t. She gave an example of what she meant by mainstream tv and their interests and that they didn’t match hers.

Saying someone has different interests/preferences isn’t automatically a judgement.

I had exactly this. I sent them all a message thanking them for their support etc but that I was bowing out from now on.
I got derided and abused for daring to say I was pulling away! So I’d just disappear quietly!!

I found it very helpful in the early months but like you I didn't have much in common and we gradually lost contact. I met some others at different baby groups. The ones that I still see I met at the church group.

I would just slowly pull away from the weekly meet ups. You could be vague and just say something like ‘we’ve got a few things planned with family for the next couple of weeks so will have to bow out of things for now’.

I feel your pain though. NCT wasn’t quite what I expected!

If you enjoy the weekly meet-ups and they are convenient there’s no reason to stop going. But go in the knowledge that some of them meet more for sporty activities. Your top priority should be finding some baby creative arty activities where you’ll find mum’s you gel more with.
do the baby activities you enjoy and that’s where you’ll meet mums you have things in common with.

"And rejection sensitivity is real with ADHD."

By no means exclusive to ADHD.

Agree with PP. Most NCT groups run their course after about a year anyway.
If you want to keep the main WhatsApp group alive then post on it. Ask questions.

I did an NCT group when I was expecting my eldest now secondary aged and ages baby meet ups.
I don’t have ADHD myself but the women were really quite brutal, I had bad postnatal depression and struggled and nobody cared, they were all loaded and met up at mega expensive classes etc and I definitely didn’t fit in so I just stopped going.
I started at more local groups and found my tribe of people and I’m still friends now.

NCT is like buying friends and sometimes they work well but sometimes the groups of people just don’t gel at all.

I never really fitted into my NCT group either because I was the only single mum. It was like they didn't know what to say to me.

I went to baby groups, swimming lessons, music groups and other things instead. Even there I found it difficult to make friends outside of the groups, but it was good to go. To be honest I've found it easier since my daughter started school. I know people talk about the playground dramas, but I like a lot of the parents and have made friends.

Oh god, please don’t let my NCT group find this - I’m in the same situation! I’m still persevering because they’re lovely people and I like having a group of mums at a similar developmental stage to our little one. But yes, it’s clear they have another chat for their exercise classes they do together etc.

Could it be your RSD kicking in, OP? I only say that as I felt the same way but I gave myself a talking to. They’re not trying to cut me out, they’re probably just trying to spare me the awkwardness of saying no constantly to something that they know I’m not massively interested in. It could be the same for you. Especially if they still seem happy to meet up once a week in a non-exercise setting?