Why the fuck do I bother?

[FedUpMessedAroundMum]

So I did everything 'right' or so to speak. I gave up my career to be a stay at home mum until they went to school, I took a back seat to his career to ensure I was there for every playdate, every sports day.
Every. Fucking. Thing.

He was a complete shite, I've finally got free of him after 23 years, and I am still the total dogs body. He still does nothing, they still adore him, he can do no wrong.

I still run around doing all school /college arrangements, all doctors, dentists, friends stuff.
They act like I'm a mild irritant in their life that they have to put up with, but would rather be free of.
I'm done with it. I'm so ready to tell them to just fuck off, except I love them body and soul.

Do anyone else feel like his? Just me?

I've voted YABU because deciding to be a SAHM isn't the "right" thing, letting your career take a back seat isn't the "right" thing.....they are treating you the way you are allowing them to, don't put up with the shit anymore.

Why do you need to sort doctors stuff, dentist stuff for a college aged kid?

Also.....as they become actual grown ups they will see all that you have done for them, sometimes teens and older kids are just a bit self involved to really see what's going on.

We have no idea how old the kids are, do we?

Just she was with ex for 23 years.

I'm so ready to tell them to just fuck off, except I love them body and soul It’s ok to tell them that they’re taking the bloody piss, they take you for granted and you aren’t their dogsbody. You don’t need to attack them, just their behaviour.

OP says she is running around doing college admin for them

I doubt your kids want you to martyr yourself. They’d probably be happier if you were happier. My favourite memory of my mum is when I was around 16 and she seemed really happy and confident and enjoying herself at work. You’re not actually doing them a favour by seething with resentment. Ease back on some of the stuff you don’t want to do, if they’re old enough to do it themselves, and find some activities and friends that are fulfilling for you. They’ll probably be massively relieved.

Assume the college stuff mentioned in the first post isn't for the ex 😊

I don’t know any 16/17 year olds who book their own doctors or dentist’s appointments.

The thing is you've set yourself up in a position where you are 'the help ' and do everything for them, so that's what they expect

Fair enough.....my dentists (who I've been with forever) always used to send us our appointments by letter, now by text, and I'd just tell Mum and go after school (the appointments were typically after school) but granted that might not be the usual!

If they are college age why would you still deal with doctor and dentist stuff? Maybe if they lack independence and aren’t that close to you, you you didnt do everything ‘right’. Chances are, you probably did great, but there is no ‘right’. You haven’t done a better job as a parent because you dropped your career goals. And sadly kids don’t owe you more love than they give your dad no matter what you both did or didn’t do.

They are nearly 16, and 17.

Stop doing everything for them. Make some friends. Leave them at home and go out. Absolutely do not cook or do their laundry.

From experience, college age can be a bit of a selfish age, my ds is now 24 and seems to appreciate me more than he did between the age of 16-18, when he just seemed to think I was irritating lol. Step back a bit, tell them you don't like the way they treat you. Their relationship with their dad is something seperate and not something you'll be able to change their views on, so it's time to carve out time for yourself too

That's what I've done, I've moved out, set myself up in a new home, a new life, new friends. But in a 50/50 split, I'm still doing everything.

College stuff is along the lines of things not going smoothly, looking for alternative courses, other open evenings etc. I'm sure as he'll not doing their work for them or pestering for HW, I'm no helicopter mum.

Why are you doing everything? How old are dc? Are you working ft and doing everything?

OK so they’re probably on the verge of being a bit more reasonable!

I think you need to start teaching them to do their own life admin - or having them do it first with help, and then letting them do it alone. Drs and dentists you should probably keep doing till they’re 18 but they can start dealing with their own college stuff etc

In short, stop being a dogsbody! Teach them to cook, or let them learn from YouTube.

To be really blunt, you chose to give up work and then let your career take a back seat. Whatever the rights and wrongs with your ex-husband, your children didn’t make those choices for you, and they don’t owe you gratitude for it.

Someone could easily say, “I made all the right choices, I went straight back to work full time once mat leave ended, to provide for my family. I did all that family stuff as well as working, and wore myself out juggling it all as it was the best thing for my kids. I made sure I didn’t lose my career so that I could keep supporting them, so that I was able to leave my husband and not make them live in an unhappy home, and so that they had an example of a good work ethic. The juggling of it all nearly broke me, and still no one appreciates it??”

It would be just as unreasonable to hold the kids responsible for the opposite choices, but they’re equally choices that would be made with the family’s welfare in mind. And equally would be the parent’s choice.

Unfortunately you can never make your exh do his half but what will destroy you is to spend your whole life trying.

Yeah, working FT, they are very nearly 16 and 17

He'll never bother, he never did before.

Very nearly adults. You aren't doing them any favours treating them like young children.

Well quite!

So you just have to make your peace with that, or it’ll drive you mad, but at the same time start teaching your kids to be a bit more self sufficient.

You don’t have to be a dogsbody, you can decide what you will and won’t do.

This is good advice! I’ll start from Saturday as I have a list of things to get done for my 17 year old tomorrow. But yes, Saturday new moto ‘less is more!’

@FedUpMessedAroundMum when will you start to focus more on yourself?

They ought to. Mine certainly did; it was part of teaching them independence to show them how and insist they did. They can use a phone/the net, they can make an appointment

Honestly the infantilisation of adolescents on this site beats me ...

Teenagers can be hormone driven nightmares with brains that haven't matured enough to act like reasonable adults all the time yet. You're their safe place, they show you their bad side because they trust you to love them no matter what. They don't have the same relationship with their dad so he gets their charming side.

Or at least that's why I was far nicer to my dad than my mum when I was their age. Now I'm in my 30's and have a much closer relationship to my mum (and have a fully formed brain, so am much less likely to roll my eyes and stomp around). I love both my parents, but it's my mum who I invite over for dinner regularly, we prioritise her for things like Christmas, and she's definitely the one who spends the most time with my children.

I dont agree with your decision what you did was right, I think all adults, minus needing essential care, need to be financially independent, whether they have children or not

we are all adults so we should all be responsible for ourselves, and you made your choices freely