To distance myself from people who are unfaithful (not to me, to others)

[Macmeme]

Last few years (40s) ive become aware of people who are not particularly close to me but I have to deal with, who are unfaithful to their long term partner.

E.g most recently
Boss and one of my team members
Lady on sports team

I just feel like I would rather not deal with these people, since they obviously lied/ are lying to their wives/husband/children etc etc, I then find them generally untrustworthy.

Am I being unreasonable to no longer want to be in a team with this lady and no longer want to work for this boss? Or am I being a judgemental person and going a bit overboard with black and white thinking?

I will add that lady in sports team is really fun- but drama and gossip as well. Boss appears to be pretty manipulative (e.g will butter you up then dump work on you thats above your grade then disaappear when support is needed). So i think in other ways its added to what I already knew about them?

Well you don’t have to agree with their actions but HR aren’t going to fire them or assign you to a different team because they’ve had affairs. There are always people you don’t align with at work, some is morally, some politically, even just down to the different TV you want to watch. None are reasons to not engage at work. You don’t need to spend your lunch breaks with them or socialise out of work but you need to maintain some closeness to actually work.

You could find another job but affairs are pretty common.

There is an element of deception in affairs and you are right to be cautious.

I have moved away from a friend who was consistently unfaithful to her husband, it was impossible to respect her and therefore increasingly difficult to like her. They had two children and a lovely house, he did all the cooking and was a good earner, but she was easily bored and craved male attention and cheap thrills, always waiting for the next glass of wine. They have quite a good social circle. I think if their friends knew what she was doing it would all crumble.

People usually tend to mix with people who hold similar values. I don't think it's judgy to not want to mix with people who treat what they already have with so little regard.

Be civil at work, that's always a given, but I wouldn't go out of my way to be anything more.

As long as you've never done anything morally dubious or unethical then feel free to judge other people - yabu

Agree with this. I’ve distanced myself and ended friendships when I realised my values didn’t align with some people and cheating was the main one.

Work is more difficult so being polite but not engaging further is really the only answer

I don’t know.

A good friend of mine, years ago, had an affair. I saw it from beginning to end and understood why it happened. She remains a friend, although time, ill health and distance mean we’re not as close as we used to be.

I didn’t judge her or the man involved: I knew both of them and watched them coming together like the Titanic and the iceberg. I knew the man less well, but I could understand why my friend had the affair. It was a symptom. I wasn’t happy about it, but I understood.

Well, unfaithful people are deceiptful liars aren't they so I wouldn't want to mix with them much either.

I've got some really nice friends who are decent people though. they are the people I choose to spend my time with.

Oh give over, lying to your husband or wife is not “morally dubious” it shows the highest level of dishonesty. If you’re going to lie to the other parent of your children who won’t you lie to?

I understand your point OP, but how can you not work with your boss? Is it really worth changing jobs for?

it would depend. A couple of friends have had dalliances. A one off. And regret after and never repeated. I didn’t judge and maintained the friendship.

You can choose who you are friends with based on their morality but it is ridiculous to let it impact on work colleagues.

I think you are taking it a bit far with the judgement, it’s not great to be that black and white in thinking.

I understand this, and agree. It’s a situation where nuance comes in. Life creates compromising situations sometimes.

the friend I no longer see was compulsively thrill seeking on the quiet. Very different from two people struggling with magnetism and unfulfilment and duty.

The friend I no longer have contact with was single and knowingly slept with numerous married men saying it’s their problem not hers

I I think she got a kick out of only going after married men

Well, people leave jobs and sports teams because they don't gel with others all the time, so obviously, do that if you'd prefer.

However, since affairs are not exactly uncommon, if you move on every time you detect one in your workplace, you may be looking at quite a chequered professional future.

Yabvu... relationships are complicated. I don't judge infidelity. Having said that it's your right to spend or not spend time with whoever you want

You don't have to agree with their actions - but you do need to keep your strict views out of the workplace. Affairs are not uncommon and whilst I wouldn't expect them openly discussed in the workplace I wouldn't judge, and I certainly wouldn't be seen to be judged.

It’s very easy to- especially on Mums Net - to think of affairs as meaning only one thing: someone doing something incredibly harmful, destructive, deceitful and horrible, purely to get a sexual kick and ego boost.

While that can be the case, in my experience- friends, family, colleagues, etc. - it has rarely been that simple. Often an affair is a symptom of something far deeper.

I’ve known some who have affairs because of dreadful circumstances at home. An affair had because something has broken.

In a few cases they have talked of past affairs (either their own or their partner’s and once both) as things that have actually saved their marriages.

And there can be situations in which an outsider may assume an affair is happening, when actually it isn’t. Open marriages are probably far more common than we might realise, and often for complex reasons, but beyond that, there are other circumstances. For instance, currently, one of my close friend’s marriage has broken up. They go back and forth about formalising a divorce, but can’t afford to break up the home and live separately. They co-habit like house mates. Barely talking, living separate lives in separate rooms in the one house. Nobody knows. They’ve told me and I think one other. But certainly to their families and colleagues they are still a couple. If one or both of them were to start dating other people then those that know nothing of their circumstances may well assume an affair.

My point is that it is terribly easy to pass sweeping judgement. And especially so when you know nothing of the circumstances. Based upon the examples you’ve given - a boss and someone on your sports team - I rather doubt that you are privy to very much information at all.

So you're going to leave your job and stop being part of a sports team because 1 person in each had an affair?

That seems a bit OTT if you're otherwise happy at work and enjoy the sporting activity, especially when you know nothing about their personal situations.

Few people think adultery is a good look but I think you need to get some perspective and, dare I say it, wind your neck in. What next OP, refusing to work with unmarried mothers or those 'living in sin' 😂

It’s odd to let it impact on your job. If you don’t want to be friends with someone that’s involved in an affair then sure, whatever, do you.

You’re going to be seen as the problem though if you refuse to work with a colleague because you find their personal life distasteful, and it will be you that will pay the price job/career wise. I don’t know why you’d remove yourself from a sports team, that you presumably enjoy, for this reason either.

Many years ago when it came out that my then partner had been cheating on me (and been pretty awful in many other ways too) I was grateful that the majority of his friends cut him out.

They weren't my friends and they didn't offer me any support (I wouldn't expect them to) but just the fact that they recognised his behaviour was unacceptable made me realise it didn't happen because I was an awful person but because he was.

Yes. I mean, OP, neither of these people are your friends. You're not being required to engage with either of them on their affairs, hear about them, cover up for them etc. It seems a bit mad to me.

I wouldn’t leave my job or sports team over it, no.

There will be a cheat in every workplace and every sports team so what would be the point?

I would silently judge and would not want to be friends with people like that. But it wouldn't bother me enough to leave a job or give up a sport/team I enjoyed.

I think in both cases its had a knock on effect. Eg. Sports team lifelong friends falling out- impacted the tea, multiple people leaving, it becoming a lot of drama.
Work- affair partner has very nice workload. The rest of us dont.....

Its made playing in this team not enjoyable (been in the team for 10 years)

And obviously a boss that plays favourites isnt great. So I guess its not just the affairs.... its the character traits of both people.....