AIBU to hate having people to stay at short notice 🤦‍♀️?

[queenceleste]

we have a friend coming to stay tonight en route to various things, leaving his car, coming and going etc.
it’s not a great week for us at all really but it’s such an effort for me.
I’ve never been a great host, we don’t have a straightforward guest room. I lost our cleaner in Covid and have not found anyone since.
i have people staying as well as the house isn’t at all perfect and I feel judged.

I wish I could be one of those amazing hosts. But I have some health issues which are slowing me down at the moment.

midweek visits - it just sucks I think.

but I should have a home more ready shouldn’t I? I should’nt feel so insecure I know but I massively do.

I’m totally with you on this.

I so wish I was like this.

I absolutely hate having visitors, I’m fine when they are here, it’s just a massive effort for me to get ready for their arrival. I’d rather no one come - ever!

Love it!

He's your husbands guest, leave them to it.

I don't have anyone in my house longer than an hour, certainly don't host meals or allow overnight guests!

Well you don't need to do a thing then - it's for your dh to do all the cleaning cooking and washing bedding etc. I personally would put my foot down hard at someone agreeing to a guest staying over without being consulted first. It's good manners to check with everyone in the household before saying yes (not including children of course). As for a mid week guest, it would generally be a hard no unless they are very close or there is a very good reason for it.

Your husband has agreed to host. Tell him it's his job to sort out a bed.

If they are coming and going then they are really just using your home as a hotel. Nobody I know would do this. If your husband has said yes without consulting you then he can do all the work. My husband and I always ask each other before anyone stays.

Can I just say how much I genuinely appreciate your replies. I definitely am in a fragile state at the moment. There’s a lot going on with my health, family life etc. I’m trying to sort out a huge legal issue, my beloved dd is being an enormous handful and I just do not feel up to the prep and the feeling of my home being judged even ever so slightly (!).
I am in a very thin skinned place and am close to tears a lot of the time. Hearing him brag about their very glamorous holiday plans is not comfortable at the moment. It would help if he wasn’t a bit of a tw*t.

thank you all though ! I feel heard and therefore better! 🙏🙏🙏

I too would be leaving DH to sort them out- cooking, washing up, laundry etc.

If its planned ahead, I can cope with guests for a night or 2, but would hate DH just agreeing without discussing it with me. I equally can't stand people that just 'drop in'. I know this always divides people on MN and yes, in the 1960's it was common, but nowadays it takes 2 seconds to call/text to check its ok to come over.

MIL used to do this, but literally bring along randoms to see our renovations. She brought along her neighbour once under the guise that he wanted to buy the old floor boards. We've never met him and never seen home since. Another time she turned up with people she'd met that day at a fayre! Both times she said to DH and myself in front of the person- 'well aren't you going to show them around the house???' The 3rd time, she showed up with more randoms- DH met them on the drive and told her where to go. No, she checks first, has never brough along another random and we actually invite her over more often.

That is a shocking presumption!

The elders can really take the pi**.

I had a stressful week long visit from a relative recently and vowed never again. Having to “be on” despite trying a more casual approach, drove me insane.
Never again.
I wouldn’t stay over in anyone’s house, that’s what hotels are for!

It's for tonight, I very much doubt they'd be understanding about cancelling hours before hand. I certainly wouldnt be anyway

To be fair to DH, he usually alwsays checks with me but you can’t say no really can you? I know people say you can but we could never say no to this visitor, he’s v close to DH, really almost family

travel lodges are cheap enough, they’ll get over it.

If it is a brother in law or someone get your Dh to deal with him and say to your husband you are not well enough or up to being social and retreat when you can, it sounds like you have too much going on .

I come from a large extended family and it is so common to be expected to have people to stay . There really weren't any other options .I use to drive my self ragged cleaning and prepping. Years later , I don't do anything but the bare minimum which is just removing some stuff off the spare bed. Or leaving fresh sheets for them to make it up themselves. Maybe some extra bread or milk . Meals are discussed and bought for and often visitors buy take away . Everyone understands after all these years that you take everyone as you find them . Some older ones go to hotels now . Makes for lovely times .
But when I am in a mood about housework I tell everyone they have to help make the house visitor ready .

I think I need to get over myself a bit. I definitely have some very deep seated and paralyzing issues of shame that go back to my frankly miserable childhood.
Years of therapy didn’t reach the shame (!)
I do Need to do the basics and then get on. At the moment I am finding it so hard to juggle any stress. I think I’m definitely in a semi crisis mode and this makes me want to run away and book in to a premier inn and HIDE 😆

🤝🤝🤝🤝

Years ago I used to have to stay in travel lodges for work and they were basic to say the least. Out of interest I just googled my local one, the photos definitely look like they've upped their game and I could get a room tonight for £41

So not mega expensive but not dirt cheap either, not sure how you know whether a random stranger will get over being bumped out of the house though.

That’s a great idea! Take yourself away for the night and leave DH and friend to it.

They ask DH because it’s doesn’t inconvenience him and they know he won’t refuse. I wouldn’t lift a finger and tell your husband they are his guests so he can cook and see to them.

Three instances that still make me cross, even though they were several years ago:

DH's sister and her husband were invited for the weekend. But I wasn't expecting them to arrive at 6pm Friday and still be here mid-afternoon on Monday. DH and I had zero downtime all weekend and it was difficult. MN posters suggested it was strange to need downtime at the weekend. Even when both of us work FT.

Six months later:
DH's sister enquired "are you two around next weekend", DH said yes, thinking maybe they were in our area, and we could meet for lunch. It ended up with us having 3 guests for 3 nights, just as the builders finished doing something substantial to our house. I kept out the way as much as I could, I struggled to be polite. Huge row between DH and I when they had gone. They were visiting some friends of there's in our area, that's the only reason they were here.

Then the other incident - DH's sister was working in the next town, and told us on the Saturday that she would be arriving on the Monday for 4-5 nights. Huge row between DH and I. "I can't say no to my sister, can I?" But she was only in our area due to work. Interestingly, DH was exhausted when she went home, he'd had something intense going on at work, and having to entertain for 4 weeknights, instead of crashing out on the sofa after a long day, really wore him out.

There were many subsequent arguments about Hotel Janey.

YANBU

I would have said no, sorry, not convenient.

Yes I recognise this. DH's relatives always ask him, because they know he won't refuse. And it never crosses DH's mind that it would be a problem with me, because DH genuinely doesn't understand how hard it is to get the house visitor-ready, and how much it stresses me out. Although I think the penny is starting to drop.

Hand him the clean sheets to put on the bed and a full and detailed list of all the stuff your would do to prep if you were feeling fine including washing the ones that come off when the guest goes.

If you don't feel up to it, suggest he goes out for dinner with the relative since they are close and then you don't have to listen to the twatishness and can have a polite chat on arrival and be gone to bed on their return. The kids can either join them or "have homework". If difficult DD wants to go out for pizza with her Dad then no doubt he is more than capable of getting her to push a hoover around while you go for a walk.

He'll be more circumspect next time if he has to do the labour. Or he'll just get on with it and be more proactive next time.