Burnt out caring for elderly dog with chronic skin and eye issues

[Cel119]

Tbh, I already know most people's answers to this. Mpst dog lovers will probably say I'm unreasonable. Its not really a question of if I am being unreasonable but more, does anyone relate? I have a 13 year old dog. My mum had him since a puppy. I had to take him when my mum died suddenly in 2024. He was a good boy(for the most part) up until 7 years old. He was well house trained, ok on the lead. I couldnt do amazing things with him training wise as he is a lhasa apso and notoriously difficult to train. However, when he got to about 7 years old he started to develop a skin condition. Scabs appearing everywhere, ears crusty. Vets cant find whats wrong despite multiple tests. I have a feeling they probably could but enjoy the money they make from my frequent vet visits. Before my mum died she reported that he had attacked a hedgehog(whilst my mum tried to wrestle him off, put the hedgehog in a dust pan to transport him out of the garden away from the dog) and my dog came out worst off. The stupid dog injured his eye. For the last 2 years I have been dealing with his eye which is neurogenic dry eye affecting his nostril on the same side too. He has a crusty eye, crusty nose, crusty ears, crusty skin and pretty much bald on his back. He smells within 2 days of a shower. Cheesy gross smell so I cant have him in carpeted areas. I have tried fungal baths. I have changed him to raw which resulted in diarheoh that never resolved and persisted for 1.5 months. Added biscuits and that solidified the poo but skin got worse. Tried butternut box, diarheoh skin a little better. Tried supplements, own fresh cooked food. Etc I have tried everything, spent 1000s at the vet. He is on optimmune and it seemed to help resolve the eye but the other day he had his regular shower and soap got in his eye. Its set his whole eye back. I have just grown to resent and hate this dog. He has the most problems I have ever experienced in any dog. The vets also pee me off and just seem to push for more money. Trying to sell extra bits here and there whenever I go or offer completely unrelated tests. They dont cut the slack and offer a yearly prescription when they know the medicine works and has for a while. They then turn their nose up if im not willing to pay for certain things they offer. Last time I went she wanted to do a glaucoma test which would cost £70. His eye was improved and being managed. Noone had ever mentioned glaucoma and he had no symptoms of it. I denied it thinking why are we doing that test when we have identified what is wrong. She got peed at me and start sneering about me not being willing to pay. This then makes me feel more resentment I feel bad for hating him but he literally annoys the hell out of me now. He shits and pisses on pads I leave out every night. Yes, he's old, but I get up at 3am when he whines to go out to still wake up to mess 4 hours later. I dont know when is the time to say goodbye. Does anyone relate? Has anyone ever just reached a point of burnout with their pet? One thing is for sure and that is I will never get a dog again...

Hi sounds like his quality of life is grim and he isnt a young dog. I would do the kind thing for him. He has shit health and an owner who resents him.
You are however unreasonble for a hating him for his health conditions poor wee sod.
I cared for my 20 year old who was night time urine incontinent but otherwise fine and happy. Yes it was a slog. But he was a wee old dog who loved me and I would do it all over again to have him back..

It's very sad but it's time to let him go. Best for both of you.

Go to a different vet and see if they are any better.

He’s having a hard time and his quality of life is poor. I think it’s time to let him go but be kind to him, it’s not reasonable to hate him. I don’t like the sound of your vet.

I think if their quality of life is poor, it may be time.

I also think (rationally) it’s ok to say that it’s become too much work with all the health issues and incontinence and so you have to put them to sleep.

I love my pets - but making yourself miserable for years struggling with their decline, isn’t really rational. They wouldn’t survive in the wild - they’re only managing because you are keeping them alive anyway.

That may sound harsh and I expect I will get some flak for it - but I think unless you’ve cared for a very elderly animal it’s hard to understand how it can dominate your life.

I think it probably would be best to let him go - though I also think you should have shopped around for a different vet and explored having the troublesome eye removed years ago.

His quality of life sounds awful, even before you add in living with someone who hates and resents him, poor old sod, he didn't ask for any of this.

Is the skin thing all year? My cat had a harvest mite allergy that caused very similar scabs and is quite rare so vet might not notice. It wasn't all year though, just when the mites were around. Very easily treated at least.

Aside from that, I'm not sure the dog's current quality of life is that great so I would let him go too.

This makes me so sad for the dog. I think it is time to let him go for his own sake, if you hate him you can't give him the love and care he deserves.

What is being gained by keeping this wretched creature alive?

I had another lhasa apso that lived to 19. He was hard too and he would bite if you tried to handle him too much. He was a rescue. That was hell and tbh he had much worse quality than my current dog at the end. I had to carry him out to go to the toilet. I thought nature would take its course but in the end I had to have him put down. He wasnt eating or even asking to go out for the toilet so just urinated in his bed by the end. The amount of pillows I went through. I resent him more because I feel like sometimes the peeing and pooing is a behavioural thing. He sometimes does it straight after being outside. Its frustrating. He will also scoot his bum along the floor when im not watching so he knows its wrong but waits until im not looking. Or so he thinks. He causes a lot of issues within the house. Deliberately chewing on grass to the spew it in the only bit of carpet he has access to near my back door. Sometimes will bite when i put the ointment in his eye for no reason and other times completely fine. On walks he will drag behind or pull infront. Its not that he is frail and cant keep up as he will pull. He used to be fantastic on the lead.

A quick google says their life span is 12-15 yrs. It sounds as though he has reached near his end. Assume his quality of life is not great from what you have written?

I hate the expectation from a few vets that unless you spend thousands you don't love your elderly dog. That's horribly unfair. You live with the dog day in and day out. You** make the call for when you stop yet more invasive or expensive treatments, or when actually it's the end of the road. A good vet will work with you, not against.

Really unfair to put an elderly sick dog though barrages of tests and trials just to extend their lives for a short time - and often when they have a low quality of life. Sometimes it is just their time.

Find new Vet, have some honest conversations, and then go from there.

(**Unless there is animal abuse going on)

I did say that i will give the optimmune a go but that i am having the eye removed if it doesnt solve things as its a lot to deal with. They were reluctant due to his age and being put under anaesthetic. I still maintained that i wanted it done if the optimmune doesnt work because they obviously dont understand how time consuming it is to pick gunk and crust from a dogs eye, clean it, put eye lube in about 4 times a day. The optimmune seemed to have solved it until he had a shower the other day. 2 years ago he had to have a large amount of teeth removed. They left a few and I thought at the time is it a money making thing because why leave 1 tooth in the top jaw. Just for that to rot and need removing later?

Sadly nature taking it's course is rarely a pleasant end for our pets. Often much better to make the decision for them before too much suffering. Not easily done, I understand. Have you discussed PTS with your vets at all? I'd suggest opening that dialogue with them or moving practice and having a discussion if you don't trust the vets you currently use. Blue Cross and the ralph site both have online resources which might be helpful in deciding whether it might be time now, or soon. As well as your dog deserving good quality of life we also should expect joy not misery from pet ownership.

I have an insurance policy which costs me £68 a month. Any time I try and claim on it the vets almost treat it like its their insurance and their pissed that im trying to claim on it. I will never ever get what I paid in. They wont cover the skin. I managed to get them to cover the eye but its deciding whether an eye specialist is worth it at this point in his life. They will likely recommend pilocarpine which will affect his kidneys too. Which will result in a nasty end for him.

Why aren't you considering PTS?
You have the opportunity to give him a peaceful end, rather than something going wrong in the night and him suffering. I worked in end of life (for people) everything living should have a good death.

Its all year and seems to coincide with what i feed him. If I feed raw his skin improves but he has continuous diarheoh. If I add biscuits his skin deteriorates and his poo improves. If I go to butternut box he has diarheoh sporadically and slightly better skin. I have literally tried everything. The groomer thinks its from vaccines and his immune system being affected.

I am considering but also feeling very guilty about it and not sure if its right. He isnt particularly run down in energy and can walk far. Its all the other issues though. Last time I visited the vet he said he didnt think he was at the point to PTS when I asked his opinion. But just seeing him makes me miserable with the problems, the cost, the annoyance from certain behaviours. I know its not right because I have felt completely different in dog ownership. I feel like he got a rotten deal really.

If that was my life I would want to go to sleep and never wake up again, please put the poor boy out of his misery, it's enough now.

The ultimate act of kindness we can give our pets is to end their suffering. You are perfectly entitled to make that decision. The vet isnt the one whos got to deal with his issues every day so its easier for them to say carry on. He sounds like his quality of life is poor. Give him a dignified end.

I think it's time he was PTS. He couldn't be enjoying his life, and you're just getting more and more resentful, so it's not good for either of you.
Don't they say better a week too soon that a day too late? Let him go before he gets worse.

I can totally understand what you’re going through. I went through at least two years of constant vet visits, also made difficult through Covid. Added to that I was going through a divorce and house sale. My health suffered because of all of it. My vet prescribed everything she could for my dog’s skin conditions. I was also bathing her every other day, she was scratching herself raw and was constantly wearing a collar of shame to prevent it. Eventually my poor dog aged 14 had to go to the vet for the final time. I was so stressed and upset that I couldn’t even go in with her which I have felt guilty about ever since, but I wasn’t in my right mind. Looking back I believe that a skin specialist should have been involved but this was never suggested. As you say, the vets like to keep prescribing drugs that semi work so that you have to keep returning. They’re like GPs though, they don’t specialise in everything. There are FB groups that have some good advice for every breed, so maybe take a look there first. I would also change vet, maybe see if there’s a skin specialist in your area but I wouldn’t beat yourself up if you think it would be kinder to take your dog to the vet for the last time. I think we over medicalise animals sometimes when we should be thinking about letting them go for their own best interests. It can take its toll on everyone.

I think another thing is that he is also a stinging reminder that i lost my mum. He had to come and live with me and in-between me moving out of mums and then him coming to me after she died his health had got so much worse. Family said at the time of me taking him to put him down but my dad(separated from my mother but on good terms) isnt a particularly nice person and doesnt care about anyone. His judgement went over my head. He said "here you are" put money in my hand "money to put the dog down". I was talking over the problems with my aunt and we were problem solving and she said "I know! How about this? How much to put him down?" with a smile on her face. I just was so shocked I went silent snd she realised she said the wrong thing. She is the type to complain about birds nesting in her garden or a cat walking through. She has never had compassion for any animals and as long as theyre not messing up her home she couldnt care less about them. The dog annoys me but im not as bad as this type. maybe i am though because im struggling with the decision of when the right time is. Most people woukd say he isnt at that point but is it justified if the caring for him is too much on the owner? It is very hard work. He needs showers weekly which i do. He probably needs it more often tbh but i cant facilitate that and I cant afford to take him to a groomer weekly for a shower. He goes every 6 weeks so far with barely any fur on his back. I have to decrust his nose and eye daily which sometimes results in being bitten or nearly bitten if I dodge. He shits for England in the garden and thats a daily pick up. He wants letting out once if not twice a night and I still wake up to mess. The vets visits etc etc..

He isn't capable of the revenge/spite actions you're assigning to him (I am a dog behaviour consultant, I am not pulling this out of my arse).

He may be showing signs of doggy dementia, or he may have been conditioned to go in the house, like thats the correct spot, or he may feel worried/insecure outside (many elderly dogs do) and so feel its not safe to toilet out there.

Eating grass that then makes him sick suggests some sort of tummy/digestive issue, yes he is eating it to help him bring something up, but that is to make him feel more comfortable, how could he possibly understand that cleaning carpet is a pain in the backside for you or that living with the smell of puke on things is gross?

Biting when handled - its sore its uncomfortable its scary, sometimes more so than others, if you've ever ignored him growling or told him off for objecting, he may well think there is no point communicating more subtly and just drop those behaviours and go straight for the bite.

Dragging behind/pulling on walks often linked to pain, and potentially feeling insecure/anxious so wants to stop or wants to just charge through it and get it over with - both/either will reduce anyones ability to listen, think, learn, exercise impulse control.

I do understand how emotionally draining it is (and physically at times) living with a very old dog - our Tibetan Terrier died at 17 years old, a few days after christmas. For several years he'd had to be carried up and down stairs (he would attempt do them himself but it wasn't sensible to let him) and would occasionally wee in his sleep or not get himself to the door in time. He had several vestibular attacks, needed a fair bit of medication and support, couldn't be left alone as he was blind and would get himself stuck somewhere in his search for his favourite toy.

We understood though that none of his behaviour was revenge/spite related, thats not something dogs are capable of - he was just trying to keep himself comfy, do what he wanted to do (because dogs are self-centered little beings, they aren't capable of human levels of empathy!), keep himself safe etc.

We found that Vitofyllin really helped cut down on the doggy dementia moments where he'd grind to a halt and forget what it was he was trying to do. We also gave him Lions Mane which also seemed to help.

To keep him outside long enough to go to the toilet and ensure he felt generally relaxed and happy out there, we'd scatter some stinky fish kibble (use whatever your dog can eat) for him to sniff out which being blind, took him a while. The sniffing around and gentle movement both relaxes and increases the chances of going to the toilet though he did need total supervision as when his feet found the ramp up the steps that would trigger his 'going back inside' routine even if he hadn't been yet.

If he's scooting the carpet, he's got a bum problem. Presumably the vet and groomer have checked for anal gland congestion and treated it? This could also be due to worms, but I presume he hasn't got those, or to an allergy.

Everything you've described does point to allergies but I'm not sure what you can do about it. On the point of asking you how he does with human food, I looked up Butternut Box and found it basically is human food. They do a probiotic powder as well, which might help his diarrhoea and irritation.

Do you use scented household products? Pets can be very susceptible to them.

The groomer thinks its from vaccines
I would not rely on the groomer for medical expertise! Your vet sounds unpleasant, though, is there another one you can try?

I do understand everyone saying it's time to bump him off, and also understand that you care about the dog and he's still got plenty of energy. It could be worth trying a different vet and a bit of lateral thinking about allergens.

If nothing improves, then ... 😢

ETA: Crossed with @WiddlinDiddlin's very nice reply.

I dont think you were bad to not go in with your dog. I am thinking I possibly wont be able to. I didnt with my 19 year old. My mum took him. I couldn't face it. I had already gone through loser another dog at 6 years old to a brain tumour and the end was horrendous. It sounds like you were going through a tough time. Thankyou for understanding. Sometimes, until you have been through it, you cant understand someone else's problem. The skin issue has started to get me angry at the vets and then I feel resentment to my dog because I want it solved or at least partially solved.