AIBU to feel upset fiancé’s family

[Excitedbride2b]

Hi everyone

I have a feeling I know the answer to this but wanted to ask anyway aibu?

In 2023, my fiance and I got engaged and booked our wedding for this year (venue was booked in Jan 2024, date chosen etc). My fiancé's cousin got engaged in early 2024 and booked there wedding for a year and a day before ours (2025).

During the period from getting engaged to now theres been nothing from my fiancé's family, every time we tried to bring up the wedding we were told 'its ? Wedding first'. I understood this but felt bad for my fiance as he is an only child and his mum hasnt shown interest.

We still dont talk about our wedding with his family because it always goes back to cousins wedding and how much of a wonderful day that was.

Were getting married in September and I'm so excited (sorry cringe I know) but his cousin has now announced theyre pregnant and is due around our wedding. Theres now been talk of the baby and whether cousin and family will be able to come.

AIBU to feel some level of upset about this? I dont know what to do or say anymore

Thankyou for reading

During the period from getting engaged to now theres been nothing from my fiancé's family, every time we tried to bring up the wedding we were told 'its ? Wedding first'.

Ths doessnt make sense...Its mar 26 they got married sep 25? The wedding is over...

Also no one really cares about your wedding except you but if his mother is all involved in the cousins and uninterested in yours thats hard.

How big is his family? Tonnes of aunts and uncles or 4 people?
Is he close to his cousin? Is the cousin nice?

who is all this chat coming from?

There's now been talk of the baby and whether cousin and family will be able to come.

This is normal so im guessing Its not about what the cousin is doing its about the family's attitude / disparity in treatment.
Is it massive expensive wedding or a 50 people wedding?

If this is a real sticking point would you actually consider moving/ changing the wedding?

I say this from the pov I wouldn't want to spend 65k in these circs id rather spend 10k and use tje 55k on something else (kitchen holiday mortgage retiring 2 yrs earlier!)

I dont want to give to much away as its outing and I dont want to cause problems

Yeah they've had there wedding and weve still got ours to come, but theres still been nothing from his family. When we brought up the wedding from Sept 2023 until September 2025 (when there wedding was) we was told its there wedding first etc and weve got 6 months to go and theres still nothing

They had a massive wedding and weve got a small one (60 people)

Hes got a small family (mum, grandma and 6 extended family members).

I know im being silly I just thought my fiancé's mum would show an interest as its her only sons wedding.

What does your fiance say when his own Mother shuts down the conversation about the wedding? Has he asked her directly why when he brings up his wedding it immediately gets pivoted to his cousin's wedding?

As he is an only child it is strange that his Mother is not asking more questions about a wedding that is taking place in 6 months time. Are they close?

YANBU to be upset about it, at this point he either needs to chat to him Mum one on one and tell her he is not happy about her attitude. Or you stop mentioning your wedding to them, they are clearly enamoured with the cousin and who gives a shit if they can attend?

Truly the only people who really care about a wedding are the bride and groom and then usually the parents of said bride and groom. Don't try to make people like you, you cannot be liked by everyone. I had a rocky relationship with PIL in the first 7 years Dh and I were together. I stopped trying to make them like me very early on. It would have been a waste of my energy. It just means going forward you know exactly where you stand in terms of his Mum welcoming you into the family.

I am sorry it is like this for you too. What you need to be looking at is whether your fiance is willing to stand up to his family and prioritise you over them.

They are very close, only child, single parent. It doesnt bother him like it does me which makes me think im being silly. Weve stopped talking about the wedding. We only talk about it with my mum and bridesmaids.

What do you actually want from them? To sit and listen to the wedding plans? Some people just haven’t got an interest. I’d just let them all get on with it, and speak to people who actually want to listen.

Sadly there is your answer "it doesn't bother him like it does me which makes me think I'm being silly" it should bother him that you are upset by the behaviour of his Mum.

He seems fine that you are uncomfortable with it and won't talk to his Mum about it. That would worry me. I am a Mother of 2 sons and I would want to know about their wedding plans.

I think maybe because she is a single Mum she sees you as taking her son away from her, becoming his priority.

Well look you are getting what you are getting in terms of inlaws.
He is isnt bothered. If the cousins a woman that's more than half your answer.

Try to disengage and dont let it consume you also dont be too fixated on the big day several thousand days post my own big day. The husband you marry and the life you build are more important

It can be very hard for the in-laws to get it right. They either get accused of interfering/ overstepping (suggesting guests to invite) or not being Interested

Mother of the groom is a whole different scenario. As a single parent she is probably also close to her sister and niece . She might not feel she can say anything about the wedding plans . Don't bother trying to be in competition with this cousin you might never get satisfaction.

I don't recall discussing wedding plans with my future MIL apart from the logistics of travel and hotel. It wasn't a destination wedding BTW. DH and I are from different ends of the country and we got married in my home town.

I'd have to say when u send the invites out, to his mother 'is it worth sending u an invite as you've showed so little interest in wondered if you wanted to be there"
Also under no terms invite the cousin with new born as all the attention will be on that, they'll steal your day showing the baby off...what a bore in. Itself

Are your family and friends being interested and supportive OP?

Because honestly if your fiancé isn't upset by his mother and his family's attitude to your wedding I would try and accept that's how things are. And, as a pp said talk to those of your circle who ARE interested in the wedding.

When it comes down to it the only people who really matter at a wedding are the bride and groom. Having a big wedding doesnt necessarily equate to a happy and joyous occasion. I had a lovely wedding with only myself , my fiancé and 2 witnesses there. So I don't understand why anyone would think your wedding inferior in any way because you have " only" 60 guests. Just accept that's the way his family are and enjoy your day anyway!

Be careful what you wish for. At least you don’t have them demanding what your wedding looks like/ who is invited/ insisting on things you don’t want. If your fiancé isn’t bothered then don’t waste your time being bothered either.

It's not clear what you actually want from her or what this scenario looks like. You say you are getting nothing from her but what are you wanting? Do you get the feeling she doesn't like you and doesn't want the wedding to go ahead? Because that's something different altogether. If it's just that you want her to be excited about the wedding arrangements then you are being unreasonable. But if it runs deeper and she is cold towards you or the idea of her son marrying you then that is something more concerning.

Do you get on with them? Do they like you?

I'm assuming this is tongue in cheek and not serious?

Only a self important, narcissistic bridezilla would think that way.

It might be news to you, but at weddings or any kind of gathering, both babies and brides are not the centre of attention the entire time. Most people spend a lot of time cathing up with people they haven't seen for a long time.

@Excitedbride2b I personally would find it difficult to show interest in an event that would be taking place in 3 years time from the time I was told it was happening. I might even go as far as thinking ‘well it may not even happen!’.

However, now it’s 6 months out, the interest would peek and as mother of the groom she’s probably thinking of what she needs to wear. Once I had that sorted then I’d be more inclined to help with the next steps.

Ask her, has she her outfit sorted and offer to go shopping with her if it isn’t. Plus tell her, what time the hair and make-up person will be there for her. You show an interest in her attendance as mother of the groom and you can then ask for xyz help from her and she’ll likely enjoy being involved.

@Steeleydan

I'd have to say when u send the invites out, to his mother 'is it worth sending u an invite as you've showed so little interest in wondered if you wanted to be there"

Wow! I bet no one, including you, would ever do this. It’s insane advice. And if a future DIL was ever to do this to me, I would certainly be telling my son, gently, he’s making a big mistake in marrying this one, she’s horrid, but I’ll go along with what he decides to do, always be nice to his chosen wife, and I’ll be there for him when his marriage breaks down.

We invited guests and they turned up what is there to be excited about same with somone else's pregnancy some people even parents of bride or groom are just not

I would stop visiting her and just let your husband go. If she has no interest at all in your wedding, just don't involve her at all. Your family are excited so do all the planning with them. She can just turn up on the wedding day.

It’s sad that they’re not excited for you however that often is the case with in laws. I’d not be too bothered an enjoy the excitement from your side.

I'm looking at this from a slightly different perspective as I'm the mum of girls. Both of my DD got married last year.

Over the years I've seen many of my friends fall out with their DC over wedding plans. Either the parents thought the couples (mostly the bride) were being overly entitled or demanding or the couple thought parents were trying to take over and make the day about the parents and family instead of who the couple wanted.

I was adamant I didn't want this. I wanted both my DC to have exactly the day they wanted in exactly the way they wanted and I deliberately took a step back. I let them tell me what they had planned and was supportive about their choices but I bit my tongue and refrained from making suggestions or disagreeing. Maybe that's what his mum is trying to do.

For what it's worth, IDK if I got the balance right. Maybe I came across as too detached? But I do know they both had wonderful days , exactly what they wanted (although in no way what I would have chosen) and there were no family fall outs to spoil the happy memories.

I think he needs to speak to his mum.
I can understand them not wanting to talk about plans for 3 years it’s a long engagement. But now it’s nearer I think letting them know plans and expecting a little excitement isn’t too much. If everything you say is brought back to cousin’s wedding I can see that being irritating. Is cousin female and perhaps mil felt more involved.

Less interest =less interfering!
Enjoy the peace.

there's your answer. You are being a bit silly so reign it in, and enjoy your wedding preparations and leave your fiancé's mother out of it?

Perhaps as a single mum she is thinking more along the lines of losing a son rather than gaining a daughter? Also IME people are obsessed with their own weddings that even years later they say "you met them at the wedding" even though in the time since their wedding i've been to 20 more.

If you find it all uncomfortable, just cut down your contact with her.

ETA the baby is neither here nor there. If she is unable to come because of being too close to the birth date (on either side) just send her some cake and a photo.