What is child maintenance for?

[fireworksandflowers]

AIBU to use the money I receive from children’s father to pay towards my bills? Like rent, gas, electricity? As well as their general expenses like uniforms, clothing , haircuts etc

Paying the bills benefits your child. Has someone told you otherwise?

As has been already said, it’s for all of the above and anything else too. It isn’t ’his’ money, it’s yours and is to support you as the main carer for your child/ren together. Fucking idiot bloke, they’re so predictable. If he’s going to start playing silly buggers, I think going through the official channels may be less hassle in the long run.

It pays for all the things he’d have to pay for if the child was living with him! …except you’re doing the majority of the care so he needs to make a maintenance payment.
So: everything from breakfast cereal to broadband and all the million and one other things a child needs.

Yes, It is certainly looking that way. Do you know how this works. Does he pay the amount they calculate + fee an then my fee is deducted from that? Or is his fee deducted from the calculated amount

I'd go through CM directly. It puts a third party in the middle. I then wouldn't discuss mon36 with him ever. Bring the topic alway back to the children.

He's a AH of course he needs to contribute to the upkeep of his keeps including there housing, heating and eating. I bet he's one of these commenting on every thing you do for yourself like he paid for it.

As long as someone is meeting their child's needs it doesn't need to be tracked and spent on specific things. I'd just be putting it in the same pot as everything else. Does ex think your children get food, clothes and shelter for free? It's probably triggered by those misogynistic memes going round about how fathers should have receipts for how CM is spent. Idiots who have clearly never managed a household with children.

They charge him a little more 20% but you also get a little less 4%

say he pays £250 a month for one child

If you stay on about:blank Child Maintenance Service Direct Pay:

• You pay exactly £250 per month
• No extra fees added

If it moves to Collect & Pay:

• You (paying parent): £250 + 20% = £300 per month
• Receiving parent gets: £250 − 4% = £240 per month

Summary

• Direct Pay: £250
• Collect & Pay: £300 paid / £240 received

Tho would love to know what happens to the spare £60 a month. Where does it go via the government /cms

Well in a way mine goes on gambling (lottery) and vodka cos when he stops paying those are what I cut back on rather than on things for my dd.

Yes I definitely think he’s influenced by things he sees online. He’s making out like he’s a hard done to father who’s ex (me) uses the kids as a weapon and is only interested in money. When reality is he gets his kids every weekend and now I would like to have some fun spare time with my kids I’m only doing it to get more money out of him.

This. You receive money (whether it is from a salary, CMS, child benefit), it pays bills, buys food / fuel / clothing etc.

All money you receive is used to house and look after you and your child. End of story.

I would stop engaging him on the level that you are. You don't need to attend every converstation that he invites you to.

Keep your responses short and business like, you are now in the business of parenting a child. He doesn't get to keep his hooks into you and use his financial contribution as a lever to crank to control you.

Go via CMS, do it sooner rather than later. It makes it less personal and would likely help in this situation. You don't have to ask him, or tell him, just do it and let them sort it out.

You owe him zero explanations about the finances of your household and vice versa. Put him out like a miaowing cat, shut the door and carry on.

I also would go through CMS. It just takes any discussion away, you dont need to discuss money at all then. It takes a while, so best to do it now in case he stops paying at some point. I dont see why collect and pay would be needed (unless in the future he is unwilling to pay) direct pay should be fine for now, meaning neither of you pay any extra.

I am confused about CMS Direct Pay. What is the difference between that and just arranging between you using the CMS calculator as a guide?

He is paying the government bare minimum amount. Don’t engage with him at all over what money is spent on as it’s none of his business. CMS might be a good idea. Also you deserve to have downtime with your children. It is not reasonable that you don’t get to ever have them at weekends. If he doesn’t agree then you need to go to court to ensure you get reasonable contact time with your children.

child maintenance is towards the care of a child by keeping a roof over their head, feeding them, clothing them and anything else they need. so down to the parent with care to decide how it is spent

Nothing at all..except an 'official' record of when the claim was made so if he were to stop paying or not be transparent about his earnings it could be chased up, in theory at least. My ex uses the calculator and also sends me a copy of his payslip once a year ..if he refused to do that I'd use them to be sure he was paying correctly.

I should say though, the £50 a week I get per child is pathetic in relation to what I spend on them, and he earns more than me. Teens are way more expensive than younger children (leaving aside childcare) And yes I know thats loads more than some get but thats not remotely relevant...it irks me that he pays one fixed payment and then can forget it, not have to suddenly find x for a trip, a broken piece of tech, kit, sports match travel etc.

And yet you say the relationship didn’t work out? Mysterious.

It goes into a big pot.

You can spend it on what you like, as it’s just money to help raise them and that includes a roof over their head. Why would be know what you’re spending it on anyway?

My ex used to be like this. I pointed out that if I lived alone like him I wouldn’t need a 2 bed so could live considerably cheaper. I wouldn’t need to pay 100’s in childcare, could work full time and have full pension contributions, wouldn’t need to pay for things like swimming lessons, uniform, clothes, toys, extra food, heating etc.

It just goes into the same pot as bills so may be used for that, may be saved, may be fun money, may by uniform etc. it’s non of his business.

@fireworksandflowers I guess this all just an extension of control and abuse you experienced during your relationship with him?

Why not? Should a father never buy his child toys? The whole system is a joke.

Exactly this.

Men coming out with this sort of nonsense really pisses me off!

When I was living with my husband, we had a 3 bedroomed house. We paid bills on a 3 bedroomed house and we raised 2 children.

When we split up, the bills didn't really change. Rooms still needed to be heated and lit and food still needed to be stored in the fridge/freezer and cooked in the oven. The children still needed clothes and to have their bedrooms decorated and furnished. They still did activities. It still cost the same to do those things. The only bills that changed were food shopping and CT. Nothing else changed.

He paid a decent amount of maintenance for the children (one of whom was his step child), was never late in paying and never questioned how it was spent. He moved back in with his parents for a couple of years so, if I wanted to go on holiday with my friends, he'd stay at mine so that the children could continue to live in their own home. He provided for them during that time and never quibbled about maintenance because I was still paying for the utility bills whilst I wasn't there and they all were.

He also contributed 50% to additional costs for trips and school uniforms.

We didn't go through the CMS. He used the CMS calculator and I didn't question it because, when he got a payrise, he told me and increased it and, tbh, I got enough. I wasn't interested in seeing whether I should have got £20 a month more.

Maintenance isn't 'fun money'; it's his financial contribution to raising the children, supporting the household they are raised in and to maintaining their lifestyle. If he wanted to buy them anything extra, he did. Just like I did.

My exh saw his responsibility to continuing to raise his children to also include me having a life outside of them because he believed that if I was happy and fulfilled, I would be a mentally healthy and a better mum than if I were constantly stressed, worried about money and socially isolated because of it.

One of the holidays I took was a week in Italy with a man I was seeing. He moved in to mine for the week and never once questioned whose money was paying for it. It wasn't his directly but I couldn't have afforded to go if he hadn't contributed to the household financially because more of my salary would have gone on the everyday stuff.

He could be a dick in many ways (and has turned into a monumental one since he remarried!), but only to the children. I have nothing to do with him anymore. But he was never a dick about that.

I have no time for men who begrudge supporting the family they created and I wouldn't be in a relationship with one either.