AIBU to be upset by another mum’s comments about my child?

[OneAgileAzurePoet]

Context: DC is in Y2, two form entry school. Had a really hard time in YR as they have SALT difficulties so the other children couldn’t understand them. Worked really hard to make friends but is also ND so finds relationships complicated. They are ND enough to have big meltdowns at home, but can go undetected at school. In fact, DC is very bright and works incredibly hard at school, incredibly enthusiastic, hyperfocuses (probably too hard) on the topics they are learning and wants to learn, learn, learn.

Anyway, we found out today that a friend (who was put into class from Y1) has told DC that their mum thinks that ‘they are not a good fit’ and that DC is ‘too distracting’. I just feel heartbroken for DC, as they have worked so hard to have any friendships, and I’m angry that the mother has made such comments. This schoolmum is meant to be a friend and I just feel it’s incredibly nasty. Maybe I’m too sensitive but I’ve half a mind to say something. AIBU?

Ahh I can understand why you're hurt on your DC's behalf.

But on the contrary, I don't think it was nasty at all.

In fact it was very diplomatically worded and not blaming one child or the other.

Not all kids (or adults for that matter) fit well together.

I think I’m upset because they are friends and if anything it’s friend who goes off and messes around whilst DC sits on the computer in class making PowerPoint presentations 😂

Well is your DC distracting them?

I have twins. Twin 1 has a best friend X, but twin 2 either gets on massively well with X or clashes with him. It's not a good fit!

Your DC is still very young and friends will come and go. Speak to the teacher and ask if there is anyone in the class that they could perhaps work/play more often with.

If you're not sure what's going on, I'd have a word with the teacher to try and get to the bottom of it.

But I definitely wouldn't speak to the other mother.

I’m so sorry OP I don’t think this mum is unreasonable but I don’t think you’re unreasonable for being upset either x

I don’t think they are. DC works hard at school, they get on well with the friend, so it feels a bit out of the blue. I think that’s why it’s shocked me, because the friend has come
over to our house a few times and they get on really well.

Maybe the mum means they get on well in the playground or outside school but distract each other in the classroom? They can still play together outside class.

A 5 year old has told another 5 year old something? Is that right ? Or has the adult said something to you ?

‘my mum says that we’re not a good fit and you distract me too much in class’ Y2 child to my Y2 DC.

Some kids are not a good fit, maybe it is the case that for whatever reason your child distracts hers- even if your daughter is doing nothing wrong and just getting on with things. I would just forget it, but if you are worried, speak to the teacher and not the other mum.

I’d check with school if any issues with your dc distracting others and any recent friendship issues.
It’s what a 6/7 yr old has said so I wouldn’t take as gospel.

I think that it's very important to bear in mind that this is a third hand account of what this woman has said.

…I would take anything said at that age with a huge pinch of salt. At that age some other child, told mine, that her mum was going to kick me in the legs after school - utter nonesense, the child was just upset with my child.

Well...she is entitled to her opinion isn't she?

People who are blinkered or ignorant or even just plain wrong are still entitled to their opinions. She hasn't been nasty especially...just said what she thinks.

It's really not worth challenging her over this. Sorry. I understand you feel aggrieved about it...but no.

Yanbu

But this attitude is common. We have thread after thread about how 'this autistic child is affecting mine' and everyone's in agreement

I think raise it with the mum as its the mum who has been turning the kids against yours and its not on.

If she has a problem with the schooling, she should speak to the teachers, not run your kid down to hers.

Sorry op x

Kids don’t always get it exactly right when they try to quote their parents. But even if this is 100% accurate, it’s not really wrong of her.

Your child and his wellbeing is the centre of your focus, but it’s not the centre of anyone else’s. That mum has to centre her own child and you’re not sitting in the class with them or in their home after school so you don’t know how they child feels or if they have found your child to be distracting or if their day is made more difficult trying to manage that friendship.

No one owes your child friendship. As long as they are rubbing along well enough class, and not excluding him during group play then they don’t need to actively be friends and the other mum is allowed to advise her kid on what would be best for his wellbeing as she sees what he is going through.

How well do you know the Mum and does she know your DS has SEN?

I ask because if the answer is not very well and no, she might just think your DS is a bit naughty. Parents can be funny about their children’s friends. When my DS made friends with his best friend in year 1, his mum was straight on the ball to find out who we were/ where we lived/ what we did for a living. She realised DS was a well behaved bright boy and so even went as far as to say “I know he’s a good boy so he’ll be a suitable friend”. I was a bit taken aback.

They go to an extracurricular together so she also realised we were ‘good stock’ because this particular thing is deemed quite MC… I don’t know what would have happened had I worked in Argos and DS maybe misbehaved from time to time at school.

I have better stuff to do with my life so this sort of thing passes over my head but some parents are 100% over invested, particularly the ones with no job.

I wonder if your friends DC was having a whinge after school about things (possibly about your DC, among a zillion other things) and the Mum latched onto the part about your DC and maybe said “Freddie, it’s fine you don’t have to play with Charlie if you don’t want to, maybe you’re just not a good fit sometimes. You can play with Alfie instead sometimes.”

Which is actually absolutely fine, it’s never good to stick with the same friend all the time.

It doesn’t necessarily have to be a major “YOU CANT PLAY WITH HIM, you’re not a good fit sometimes- let’s tell all the teachers to separate you indefinitely” type thing.

it could easily have been a throw away comment.

If you are worried, try to bring it up casually with your friend and in the meantime ask your DC if they’d like some play dates with someone else, to build up some other friendships.

And don’t forget, his little friend might just have been fed up with him for 5 minutes and will be fine tomorrow… they’re only 5, bless them.

Aw op hugs because it can be hurtful to hear that. Focus on explaining to your child that not everyone can and will say nice things about you but that’s ok you will
make other friends etc we have to build resilient children in this world who can take and process criticism. Also speak to teacher so that you can get to the bottom of whether he does actually distract because then you can speak to your child about it. Alternatively teacher may say actually the other child distracts your child. A teacher will
provide a neutral perspective.

I think this is very likely.

Also don’t raise it with the mum it will
make things awkward between you all. I don’t think it’s worth it. It has to be something fairly significant to approach a parent especially when it could be said in a context that we don’t understand right now.

This 100% , they are not remotely reliable at that age when recounting what people have told them

Don't raise it with the other mum.

There's nothing you can do about this. Just focus on something else to support your son, focus on other friendships.

Tell you son 'oh well, lots of other people to play with and I know you work hard at school.' (And check that last bit with his teacher!)

My DS has a friend who is the nicest boy and I really like the parents but the pair of them together are really silly and distract each other so are best kept apart if anything actually wants accomplishing. We all see the funny side of it though! So possibly you are being too sensitive especially if it’s DC relaying what the other DC said so could very much be a case of chinese whispers.

What an odd reply.

No-one 'ran anybody's kid down?'

And no-one is 'turning the kids against the OP's' 😳

The children don't fit well together in the mother's opinion and plenty of kids don't.

Especially at the age of 6 or 7.