AIBU to be upset by another mum’s comments about my child?

[OneAgileAzurePoet]

Context: DC is in Y2, two form entry school. Had a really hard time in YR as they have SALT difficulties so the other children couldn’t understand them. Worked really hard to make friends but is also ND so finds relationships complicated. They are ND enough to have big meltdowns at home, but can go undetected at school. In fact, DC is very bright and works incredibly hard at school, incredibly enthusiastic, hyperfocuses (probably too hard) on the topics they are learning and wants to learn, learn, learn.

Anyway, we found out today that a friend (who was put into class from Y1) has told DC that their mum thinks that ‘they are not a good fit’ and that DC is ‘too distracting’. I just feel heartbroken for DC, as they have worked so hard to have any friendships, and I’m angry that the mother has made such comments. This schoolmum is meant to be a friend and I just feel it’s incredibly nasty. Maybe I’m too sensitive but I’ve half a mind to say something. AIBU?

I'm sorry but what would you call this?

Anyway, we found out today that a friend (who was put into class from Y1) has told DC that their mum thinks that ‘they are not a good fit’ and that DC is ‘too distracting’.

That's a mum running a kid down to her child and trying to sew division. Unkind of the mum, especially given the additional needs here. Unfortunately, some parents are like this.

The other mum hasn't said anything negative, unkind or critical.

Some kids, even those who are good friends, are not a good fit with each other in class and can be silly/distracting together.

I'm sorry but what would you call this?

A mother being extremely polite about the reasons she doesn't think the children fit well together in class.

You seem determined to see it as something quite different however.

Ah, OP. I understand why that didn't feel great to hear. We all want everyone to think the world of our DC and that can be particularly acute when the social aspect has been a bit of a struggle.

But I don't think the mum did anything wrong. Even assuming a young child didn't manage to perfectly repeat his mum's words, it sounds like she tried to find a tactful way of discouraging her child from seeking yours out/sitting next to each other in lessons because she doesn't think it leads to the best behavior or focus from her child. That's a perfectly reasonable thing for a parent to do, and it doesn't mean she thinks something's wrong with your DS or that your DS is actually doing anything wrong. She's a mum trying to get her DS to make choices that will lead to his best behavior and success in school.

You don't seem to know the context at all, the friend might have been upset at being moved away from your DC in class, for example and the mum was saying why.

Chinese whispers through two 5yr olds is a ridiculous thing for an adult to get emotionallu invested in.

If you're friends with mum can you message her and say 'Hi X hope you're well. DC has come home and said your DC has said he's distracting him and they're not a good fit, have there been some problems in class that I'm not aware of? Thanks DC's mum.'

No one has run anyone down. The kids aren’t a good fit. For all we know, her kid is chatty and adult distracted so sitting next to another similar child is a recipe for disaster.

It is perfectly ok to get your child that they don’t need it be friends with everyone and that they need to concentrate and sometimes some people don’t fit well together.

Do you not teach your children that it’s ok to have boundaries? My child is autistic. People are well within their rights to say that their personalities don’t fit together. I’ve said it about kids who don’t fit well with my son. What is the problem?

I can only read it one way unfortunately

This kid ran to tell the child that 'my mum said youre a poor fit and youre too distracting'

Its horrible - they're only young, no need to sew division like that

Children are 6&7 in y2 not ‘two five year olds’. Sounds perfectly plausible that the child is telling the truth in the circumstances. But OP always speak to the teacher, not the parent.

I have tended to find that if dc have significant enough sen to be having meltdowns at home at this age, there is usually some other evidence of their sen at school (not a criticism, my own lived experience). Behaviours can spill over, and teachers don’t always pick it up as sen).

No-one was running anywhere.

No-one said 'You're a poor fit'.

I can see you're making up the narrative, the only thing that puzzles me is why?

It's hardly helpful to the OP, is it?

I think youre just trying to cause problems tbh. I'm not making up anything, i'm reading the op

Wishing your kid well op - some parents are nasty unfortunately x

The words of the OP are literally there and yours are very different.

We can all see them.

They really aren't

But I really dont care to argue with you girl 🙄🙄🙄

It hurts to hear someone being negative, especially when you're navigating difficulties on behalf of your child already.

However, it's not a mean or malicious thing she said. The context makes a huge difference and you don't hav that. You also have what one 6 or 7 year old heard and interpreted, repeated to another 6 or 7 year old.

Don't raise it with the mother, just let it fade away.

I woudn’t bother saying anything but I disagree with most people on this thread in that I woudn’t dream of telling my child not to be friends with someone because they were “too distracting “. If they were happy with the friendship and weren’t being bullied personally I don’t see the issue . Teachers should separate kids who are too distracting for each other . I do think it’s a bit lacking in empathy to say something like this to a 6 or 7 year old knowing it would possibly get back to the child in question.

I’m not sure I would analyse or give this too much headspace. I volunteer in school a lot. Kids in Y1 make all kinds of offhand comments to each other that if you were to latch onto and start picking apart you would drive yourself mad.

Try to find out if they are generally still playing together because if so then the other child has just said some random comment that he doesn’t really understand / doesn’t actually care about that is a drop in the ocean compared to all the other positive things he has said and done with your child in the classroom and the playground. Maybe he’s even made it up himself, nothing to do with his mum. Maybe your child WAS slightly distracting him in class (happens all the time, kids trying to be funny to each other or being mildly annoying, nothing to read anything into) and he just said it like it was. But there was no malice or ulterior motive behind it and now he has moved on.

I think you are taking it too personally. Even the child used 'in class'.

My son has a friend who sounds similar though they are older now. I'm delighted they are friends. He's a proper outdoors kid and they are very different but complement each other well with their differing strengths and personalities.

But when asked about which friend would be the preference to be in the same class at secondary, I said not this one.

Not because he's naughty but because my son is also a naturally lazy boy academically and I thought they'd drag each other down when it comes to school work (the teacher agreed).

Delighted they still meet up at lunchtime and that he appears at our door - and the reason for them not being a good classroom fit is as much the fault of my son as it is the other boy.

But some autistic kids to affect other kids. Why is that not allowed to be spoken about?

These children are girls… and best friends. Just wanted to clarify. Have also messaged the teacher and she replied that my DD is not distracting. So it really is just a mum problem.

I would say if anything DD masks heavily at school, sticks to the rules, doesn’t like to get in trouble - which is why I find it hard to believe she’d be distracting in class. I did message the teacher and she’s confirmed DD is not distracting as we thought. Just sad that her close friend has repeated the words of her mother to our DD, I feel upset that she’s had to hear that.

Sounds that the other child's mum might be misattributing the distraction problem of her DD, because it is always easier to blame someone else...

Kids say all sorts of things at that age. They make things up. They misunderstand things. They come out with half stories. And context is everything.

I think unless there is a pattern, I’d be treating this with a pinch of salt.

Are you normally this reactive and melodramatic? A five year old has told their mother what another five year old says their mother said. We have absolutely no idea what may have actually been said by the parent, if anything.

Absolutely no need to fly off the handle. The OP should talk to the teacher to find out what the classroom dynamic between the children is. No one needs to be losing their head.