AIBU to not like my Mum

[Pinkgorilla101]

Name change for this. Growing up I was never good enough. I was often afraid to do or say anything that would get me into trouble. My sibling on the other hand was the golden child. She did tell me on occasion that she never wanted a girl.
It got worse growing up. I was regularly hit for not doing a lot wrong imo. I still get told what an awful teenager I was. I was pregnant at 20 and she was absolutely horrified and wouldn’t talk to me without screaming. I wanted more children but found out I couldn’t have any so tried IVF. She told me it was unnatural and not to mention it to her.
Once she told me she could kill herself because I was her daughter.
However she has been a wonderful Nan to my child who is now a Father himself. She has been generous financially albeit reminding me every 5 minutes how grateful I should be.
The dilemma is we now live in different countries and she expects to come and visit for weeks at a time. Myself and my husband both don’t like her but I feel like I should accommodate it as she is my Mum. She feels she is entitled to see her great grandchildren as much as she wants. But we feel that it is our turn to enjoy our grandchildren. She has had that with her own.
Sorry for the ramble - I just felt I needed to write it all down

Well you're definitely not being unreasonable. As a grandmother yourself it really time that you started laying some boundaries. One annual visit for a week or 10 days for instance. She's not going to change so it's up- to you to manage the situation.

Yanbu to not like her, you certainly shouldn't accommodate her just because shes your mum, being a parent doesn't entitle someone to act like a dick.

Her contact with your grandchildren is up to their parents, niether you nor her are entitled to dictate how often or at all. That's the parents right to decide who can and cannot be around their children so if they want her in the children's life, that's up to them.

Those were horrible things to say to a child. I don't like her either and I've never met her!

She sounds horrible and I wouldn't have her to stay at all if I were you. Life's too short and you should be enjoying your time with your own children and grandchildren. She doesn't deserve your company after the way she's treated you. Leave her to her golden child and keep your contact with her very low.

I don't think you should have allowed her in your DCs life in the first place. Clearly she only likes your DC because he is male. Does that not affect you? Don't visit her, you don't have to. You don't owe her anything.

@Pinkgorilla101 if she wants to see her great-grandchildren and has a good relationship with her grandchild surely she should arrange her visit directly with him?

Your house shouldn’t have to be the base for her to visit the family members she’s over to see. You could see your mum when you go to your son’s, who’s kindly putting his Nan up to enable her to see his children.

It’s not until recently I allowed myself the headspace to think about it. I think I have been through a grieving period of not having a lovely Mum if that makes sense. Also my DIL doesn’t speak to her as she said some awful things about her and she won’t allow her in their home.

Okay, then her visits don’t work.

Just keep sending lots of photos of the children so she feels included. This way you can keep her at arms-length too.

Your mother doesn’t like females she sees them as competition and I’m glad your DIL has stopped speaking to her and won’t allow her in her house.
You are not a child now, you don’t have to put up with her abuse nor feel she is owed anything from you. You need to protect yourself just like your DIL has done and stay away from her.

It's really not your job to prevent your mother from having to deal with the consequences of being a dreadful human being.

No, I'd not host her. If your adult son has a good relationship with her and wants her to be involved in his DCs lives, that his call and up to him to facilitate. You've more than served your time. Give yourself a break now and focus on the people in your life who deserve and appreciate you, because every part of yourself you give to the mother who doesn't leaves less of your time for them.

Growing up you deserved to be loved and cherished but all you got was emotionally abused. You had a son who thank goodness never experienced her hatred and rejection.
If you have her come to stay then you are inviting abuse to you, your DH and your son’s wife and for your GC to be emotionally abused.
You have filled your life with what you were denied by your mother …. Love and it’s time for you to enjoy your GC and let your mum reap what she has sowed with her hatred.

I have been crying reading through all of your lovely words. I have missed out on so much. Even when I got married she never told me I looked lovely. Just asked if we wanted a present or a contribution to the reception (as long as we only had 15 guests). My husband did phone her once after she had screamed at me for not understanding what families are and told her never ever to speak to me like that again. Now she does it surreptitiously so that if I call her out on it she can deny it. Small things like oh you have put on a bit of weight or your hair makes you look like a witch

I cant stand my mother she loved me enough to keep me alive so she could claim her benefits.
There was nothing else only abuse fear and fight to live.

I’m sorry that happened to you too. Hopefully you have managed to move on from it. It’s horrible isn’t it

I have made a comfy quiet life for myself.
Not seen the cow in 24 year no plans to either.
Therpy didnt work for me so i deal with it in my own way.
My past will not affect my future.

I put yabu , she won't change you are unreasonable to keep trying and putting yourself in the line of fire . She isn't a good nan because she treats the mother of her grandchildren terribly. Try going no contact for a while . She's using the money to keep control over you

Sorry you had such a tough time growing up. I often wonder what happened to a woman to treat her own child so harshly.

But it sounds like you have managed to go on to build a nice life despite this . You seem to have a loving supportive DH , raised a son who is now a father himself . You win .

Thank you. I feel very lucky to have my own lovely family. We are all very close. I don’t think anything happened to her. She always tells me her Mum was her best friend and she would have done anything for her. She is very emotionally unattached. As an example when my (lovely) Dad passed away she said to me as we went into the church “don’t you dare cry”. On paper she had the perfect life. Married, kids, businesses, a home abroad. But no-one ever knows what goes on behind closed doors do they.

Your mum has always felt threatened by females so she has to tear them to pieces to try to feel superior. I bet when you were born your dad was over the moon and she felt like you were taking his love away from her, that’s why she detests DIL as she feels like a love rival who has lost.

Looks like she is at the Find Out phase of her lifelong FAFO hatred of women in her family.

Its not your fault she is a horrible person, you didnt cause the upset, you didnt cause her actions, you dont have to fix it, You dont have to host her, you dont have to smooth her path.

You dont have to facilitate her relationships, you dont have to facilitate her visits. Let her...

💐 hugs to you OP. Some of things you’ve recorded here suggest that she deliberately attempts to upset and destabilise you. You absolutely don’t have to put up with it or have her to visit. Look up ‘grey’ and ‘yellow rock’ techniques. They were a lifeline for me. Great that your DH pulled her up on it too. You deserve better.

You certainly shouldn't facilitate your mum spending time with your grandchildren if she has been awful to your grandchildren's mum. Your mother sounds like a really horrible person who treated your horribly throughout your childhood and your life will be better without her in it.

YANBU to dislike her, in fact, I'm amazed you don't hate her. She was severely abusive towards you. Your best option would be to never see her again - it's not a good idea to continue a relationship with someone who means you harm and who tries again and again to hurt you.

Honestly OP, why have you allowed this horror and terrorist to remain in your life?
Where is your loyalty to yourself and your own DIL who has cut her out?

Never allow her to visit again.
Never allow her to be a part of happy family gatherings.
Let her fester in her own ugliness and never have access to the family you have successfully built.

I never understand the MN need to allow the most awful of parents have access to their grandchildren.
Unfathomable to me.