Aibu to be bothered that Dp said an old friend was gorgeous?

[OverthetopUsername]

This happened a few years ago but I’m currently feeling really down and my confidence is rock bottom. I’m finding I’m replaying things in my head that have happened years ago.

One thing I remember is me and dp bumping into an old (female) friend of his. A little while later we saw another ( male) friend. Dp was explaining to him how we just bumped into female friend. Male friend didn't know who dp was talking about so dp turned round and said ‘ you know, she used to be gorgeous’. Whilst I’m stood next to him feeling embarrassed.

Im now feeling annoyed about this even though it happened years ago. I think dp was disrespectful to me as I was standing there whilst he described another woman as gorgeous. He’s never said I’m gorgeous either! At the time I didn’t say anything about it as I just felt awkward.

Aibu to be bothered by this? I feel I need to just get over it but like I said my confidence is so low at the minute it’s hard to.

I think you are over thinking.

Would i be bothered?
No

Would i be thinking about it years later?
Also no.

He said "she used to be gorgeous" not "she is gorgeous"

This implies she was gorgeous long before she bumped into him. Not on that specific day

YABU

I agree that you are over thinking.

What is causing your low confidence? Can you work on this instead?

He was a bit rude about her really, implying she's not gorgeous now but it happened years ago, you're overthinking it

If he doesn't ever say you're gorgeous or lovely then that's another issue

He said she 'used to be gorgeous' which implies that she wasn't gorgeous when he bumped into her again. Honestly, this happened years ago, let it go.

I wouldn’t be bothered at all by this. I would have forgotten all about it. I certainly wouldn’t be thinking about it years later. Maybe not even five minutes later.

He sounds a but rubbish on a couple of levels. Not ever saying it to you and complimenting you is terrible, plus then saying it to describe another woman and implying she used to be Gorgeous, as if now she's older she's not... But tbh it's more a worry that you are still thinking about it now. You need to be able to process and Deal with things in a more timely way. For your own sake more than anything... Hope you can get to a good place.

first, you’re overthinking it.

but if it makes you feel better, i was reading the other day how each time we remember something our brain changes details, so at some point your memories are far from what actually happened.

so, while your husband actually said those worlds, maybe you’re changing tone, context and adding your own insecurities on top and it was probably much more less meaningful than you’re choosing to believe.

Park this one, OP. It was years ago. Besides, he said she wasn't attractive.

And the whole thing was just a way to get his aquaintance to remember who she was - the one that was conventionally attractive, but isn't anymore. Move on.

I read this too. And it's so interesting! Makes me wonder about court cases for crimes long ago (but that's another thread. But you know what I mean!!) Fascinating stuff!

@Smallnates , i get a post every day on instagram and it’s scary how the brain works!

This.

Tactless, yes. But you are ruminating. You’re implying that is comment is now more entwined with how you feel about yourself, as opposed to your partner having problematic behaviour. Which issue needs addressing? One of them or both?

You should have said something at the time.

Years ago a good friend and I had a conversation about what being faithful in a relationship meant. At the time she was in a relationship with someone who I was concerned was rather controlling. The conversation didn’t directly tackle that but I still suspect that her views were very much aligned (formed by) with his on this.
She said that, to her, commitment and faithfulness in a relationship meant never again noticing attractiveness in others, and certainly not ever finding someone attractive. Thoughts of any kind along those lines were tantamount to cheating.
I disagreed and said that I thought that, actually, faithfulness and commitment is being aware that we will always in our lives find other people attractive. Be it an actor on tv or someone we see walking down the street or at the gym or some we actually know - a close connection at work or something.
And that faithfulness and commitment isn’t the denial of thought (noticing someone’s attractive attributes be they looks or humour or connection or whatever is more instinct than anything) it is what happens next. It is not acting on that because you are in love and committed to someone else who you value and would never want to hurt.

In your case however, really none of this matters. All your partner said was that (many years ago) someone used to be gorgeous. There wasn’t even talk of them ever having found that person personally attractive. No, ‘aw mate you remember X who I used to fancy the pants off!?’
Gorgeous is a description not a confession of love or even desire. There are many people out there who I might describe as attractive or gorgeous without actually finding them in anyway attractive myself. My (much) younger sister is obsessed with Austen Butler. I can agree that he’s obviously very handsome and striking, while also thinking he’s not my type at all.

We can all appreciate physical beauty in others - but that's it, and it has no real significance. I think you're massively overthinking this, OP.

I think you have to think about whatever issues there in your relationship rather than ruminate over this particular comment.

We all know people who are or were just straightforwardly gorgeous and sadly it might be the thing people remember most about them.

It’s also an area where men are held to higher standards than women. When I occasionally meet up with groups of old friends from sixth form/university/early work days we routinely discuss guys we used to know and the words ‘gorgeous’, ‘fit’ etc are scattered around liberally and without considering our husbands feelings!

Focus on the here and now. If you are with someone who has never said you are gorgeous that is probably linked to some of your problems.

I do understand I have MH based illnesses which make me overthink then spiral downwards into a bad depression. things from say 30years ago will pop in my mind but it’s all caused by bad trauma.

You're overthinking such a slender encounter, there really wasn't much in that at all. Why were you embarrassed standing there, did you feel excluded in the conversation or something like that? Your DP's comments were quite mild and not really noteworthy, it's hard to see why you remember this so poignantly. What's causing you to ruminate over a non-event from a few years ago - are you feeling low in confidence and self-esteem for a reason?

I notice he was your DP then and he's still your DP. Were you hoping he would have proposed by now?

For me, this living in the past and thinking the worst was a sign that my depression is creeping back. This is really an issue internally to yourself because the event you describe is so minor, I am willing to bet your DP won’t recall it without you relating it to him.

OP, I’m queen of overthinking so I totally understand how you feel. I would also feel hurt by this even though it was a while ago, especially since he doesn’t compliment you. I’m still trying to find coping mechanisms to let go of things in the past.

Would you mind sharing the link? I am looking for a new rabbit hole to go down!

@OverthetopUsername are you able to say more about your confidence issues?

@CocoaTea

@didyouknow

Your DP was disrespectful to her, not you. Of all the ways to describe a woman he goes with 'she used to be gorgeous'. So not only was it her defining feature for him, but he'd also decided to judge her current appearance by comparison.
Not a great attitude to women. But unfortunately so widespread amongst men that you'll find more who'd think this was OK than wouldn't.
I don't see what it's got to do with your confidence in yourself though. You know that there are women in the world who are and 'used to be' gorgeous. Their presence doesn't make you any better or worse looking. Presumably your partner finds you attractive as well as noting that she 'used to be'.