AIBU to push elderly in-laws to evict abusive adult son?

[AchillesLastStand]

My in-laws have their adult son ‘living’ with them. He moved in after loosing his house around 10 years ago after getting into debt and not being able to cope with the responsibilities of adult life. He’s won’t open letters, he hides them in drawers and even buries them in the garden. He buys loads of crap he doesn’t need and hordes it. He’s not allowed a bedroom in my in-laws house because he’ll fill it with stuff and they won’t be able to open the door. He’s currently living in their living room, sleeping on the sofa and there’s piles of his stuff everywhere. He smokes in their bathroom and it looks and smells like a manky pub toilet. They can’t do any work to improve their extremely dated house because he’s always there and he’d wreck any improvements they made.

The problem is they want him out and he won’t leave. He’s extremely verbally abusive to his parents who are both elderly and spits in their face. He doesn’t contribute anything to the household in terms of finances or cleaning. I think his long term plan is to keep living like he is and when he parents die he can squat in the house permanently knowing full well that my DH and his other brother won’t be able to do anything about it and the house will never be sold and they’ll both be disinherited.

Nobody wants to do anything about this awful situation. Both my in-laws talk about seeing a solicitor to get him out and they never go. I’ve done some research myself and found out we could write him a letter giving him notice and then change the locks after the notice period. That letter was given months ago and they won’t even entertain the idea of changing the locks because of the neighbours seeing the commotion.

I’ve had a look into getting social services involved but they wouldn’t thank me if did because they’d feel ashamed.

We went up to visit at the weekend which is a long journey for us. We have to use the toilet at nearby Morrisons before we arrive because my brother in law may in the bathroom and you can’t get in it. When we arrived at he was slumped on an armchair in the living room asleep with an eye mask on and noise cancelling headphones on. I really wanted to get hosepipe on him. When I asked my in-laws if we could use their toilet before we left I was told no because their son may be having a bath and he’ll be in there for hours if he is.

This son wears the trousers in this house, he controlling his parents. They seem scared of him, It’s a really unusual situation. There’s lots of information online about children being bused by parents but not the other way round. AIBU that something needs to be done and if that’s the case, what?

Unless you're prepared to raise concerns with social services there doesn't seem to be anything you can do. Tell them unless they go through with involving solicitors and evicting him you're washing your hands of them.

YABU because its not your house!

If your PIL choose to put up with it then that's fine, because it's THEIR house.

If they really wanted him out and wanted to make sure he didn't squat in the house on their deaths they'd take action - Police, Solicitors, Will, locks changed etc etc.

Why are you so invested? What does your DH say to his parents? How does HE feel about his brother?

Unfortunately the only people who can do something is the parents and they seem likely to do squarely fuck all.

My only suggestion convince them to move or downsize and rent for a while to get away and don’t take him with them to the new house.

The parents have allowed this and no one else can intervene effectively as it’ll fall through because they have zero backbone.

I wouldn't let this go either, it's elder abuse. Call social services and ask them for advice as to how to document things, the generational nonsense about not wanting to create a fuss, is a major barrier here and someone needs to break it.

She’s probably sick of the parents and her husband going on about it. Plus when the in-laws die then it will end up partly being her husbands problem and in turn her problem

he's showing traits of ocd/adhd etc - you need council involved it sounds like he needs supported living.

This is elder abuse and if I were you I'd inform Adult Social Services.

It is there house their decision

We’ve tried to convince to move near us so we’re nearer and can help them out. My FIL nearly died the year before last and he did talk about moving then but hasn’t mentioned it since. He has his head in the sand.

I know they’re largely responsible for the mess they’ve created. They’ve raised him to be a slob, have no adult skills and ultimately let him move back in with them. It’s on them. I was just posting this to get some perspective. Thanks for your input.

If he is already verbally abusive to them, I can't imagine what he will step up to if given an eviction notice

This is likely to get worse before it gets better.
I think you need to get them to come to your house for a break, and maybe they will see the wood for the trees when they go back and you can persuade them to get the house sold and they can come move closer to you. Show them the life they "could" have.

This situation is going to end up badly if they don't get out soon.

I know it’s not my house but they’re people I care about. My FIL nearly died two years ago. He had major surgery and we told he had a 50% chance of survival. He was critically ill hospital for months and his son never visited him once.

My FIL is very likely to die before my MIL. When that happens my MIL will be on her own in the house with her son. That’s a situation we don’t won’t her to be in. She’s a very vulnerable woman, she really struggles to do anything to help herself, and she’s terrified of authority. Things will escalate very quickly and I would worry for her physical safety should that happen.

Frustrating as it is, you can do nothing unless they want to do something. A social services referral might help but ultimately if they refuse to engage then nothing will happen.

You have to change your response to this. Don't let them moan about it, shut it down, it's their choice to refuse the obvious solutions. Why the fuck anyone would choose to prioritise the neighbours opinion over being treated like shit in their own home is unfathomable but then, thats the nature of abuse and how it wrecks people's heads.

Given that he has no legal standing to be in the property, the locks could be changed today. The son would have no recourse.

The crisis will come when one of them has bigger health needs and it all falls apart because of the unsafe environment. Or because the one surviving parent has to go into care and the property will be sold to pay for it.

It is not correct that he could stay in the property after their deaths and deny the other siblings their share of any inheritance but legal action would be needed to get him out.

Dh should talk to brother, what does he need to move out? Help moving? Rent deposit etc. They arent likely to make him homeless.

If he doesnt go willingly I would also offer parents practical support while they get him out likely move in with me, deal with the solicitors/sale on their behalf.

I am very close to my parents and would be able to do this, it depends what your dh and other brother can do.

Seperately get power of attorney so that if their health does decline the right decisions re care and finance can be made by dh and other brother. Useless brother must not ever be allowed to care for them as he wouldn't do a good enough job.

The awful thing is that they’re wasting the retirement years of their life living in this awful situation. They spend their days in the bedroom watching TV because they can’t go downstairs. I think they need time away to realise how dreadful their situation is.

If you don’t want to go directly to social services then you can contact Age concern and they can advise you. This is elder abuse and shouldn’t be left to slide, just like child abuse is up to everyone to step in this is something they will need help with.

I would absolutely tell social services. Maybe they won't thank you, but something needs to be done or this will be their lives forever

I’m sorry for your situation, although a different situation I’ve dealt with a cheating manipulative financially abusive parent and the sheer frustration of trying to get the other parent to stop being a doormat and divorce to salvage their life. You can lead a horse to water etc etc.

It sounds as if your husband needs Lasting Power of Attorney for both parents.

That wouldn’t help in this situation. They both have capacity.

I'm really sorry for your situation - it sounds awful. Age Concern, Social Services may help.

I'm in Ireland so might be a bit different but we have Community Guards here (Police) who can be very helpful for cases like this - these older people are being abused and it's not okay to do nothing.

Absolutely right, but if that should ever change then it would give the other siblings the ability to take the necessary steps to get their parent proper care.

Nightmare scenario is one dies, the other becomes unwell and loses capacity, abusive son controls the situation and the second parent is left in a terrible situation.

This is so sad. I dont fully agree with other posters saying the parents could do more. This is no different to a domestic abuse situstion. I'd imagine they are worn down, beaten down and just afraid at this stage. If FIL has been unwell this just makes it harder. The fact that they gave this bizarre routine of not letting people use the bathroom in case he might use it shows you how damaged the whole situstion is.

The hard part now is, unless your pil can see that they need to engage outside forces, this wont be resolved and I think they are so beaten down, they cant see the wood from the trees.

It's bizarre how people always criticise abused people for not leaving, throwing out, changing locks. There's a reason why abusers are so good at what they do, there's a reason why charities advocate for victims and why there are constant campaigns about the signs of emotional and physical abuse. Abusers break victims. Inaction by victims is often a symptom of abuse because they are manipulated and broken down.