AIBU to push elderly in-laws to evict abusive adult son?

[AchillesLastStand]

My in-laws have their adult son ‘living’ with them. He moved in after loosing his house around 10 years ago after getting into debt and not being able to cope with the responsibilities of adult life. He’s won’t open letters, he hides them in drawers and even buries them in the garden. He buys loads of crap he doesn’t need and hordes it. He’s not allowed a bedroom in my in-laws house because he’ll fill it with stuff and they won’t be able to open the door. He’s currently living in their living room, sleeping on the sofa and there’s piles of his stuff everywhere. He smokes in their bathroom and it looks and smells like a manky pub toilet. They can’t do any work to improve their extremely dated house because he’s always there and he’d wreck any improvements they made.

The problem is they want him out and he won’t leave. He’s extremely verbally abusive to his parents who are both elderly and spits in their face. He doesn’t contribute anything to the household in terms of finances or cleaning. I think his long term plan is to keep living like he is and when he parents die he can squat in the house permanently knowing full well that my DH and his other brother won’t be able to do anything about it and the house will never be sold and they’ll both be disinherited.

Nobody wants to do anything about this awful situation. Both my in-laws talk about seeing a solicitor to get him out and they never go. I’ve done some research myself and found out we could write him a letter giving him notice and then change the locks after the notice period. That letter was given months ago and they won’t even entertain the idea of changing the locks because of the neighbours seeing the commotion.

I’ve had a look into getting social services involved but they wouldn’t thank me if did because they’d feel ashamed.

We went up to visit at the weekend which is a long journey for us. We have to use the toilet at nearby Morrisons before we arrive because my brother in law may in the bathroom and you can’t get in it. When we arrived at he was slumped on an armchair in the living room asleep with an eye mask on and noise cancelling headphones on. I really wanted to get hosepipe on him. When I asked my in-laws if we could use their toilet before we left I was told no because their son may be having a bath and he’ll be in there for hours if he is.

This son wears the trousers in this house, he controlling his parents. They seem scared of him, It’s a really unusual situation. There’s lots of information online about children being bused by parents but not the other way round. AIBU that something needs to be done and if that’s the case, what?

@BMW6

have you thought about the fact it’s abuse? That the parents are scared? That actually they know they need to do something but simply can’t?

would you offer the same advice if this was a women saying this is how her husband treated her?

like all forms of domestic abuse people often need support to leave and even then don’t for numerous reasons

the in laws are being abused but the ops unreasonable to be worried about it?

give your head a wobble

Yes, this is quite literally domestic abuse. It doesn't have to be in a romantic relationship. There are some really bizarre responses here, particularly the "Why are you so invested?" one! Why is an extended family member "invested" in them being physically and emotionally abused?!

Such a sad situation, I do feel for you.

I would speak with Age Concern firstly and also look at power of attorney. I think constantly going over it with them will make them feel ashamed that it's got to this situation. I think your best bet is to look in the background of the legal things that you can do first and Age Concern will help point you in the right direction for that. I feel if you get social services involved from the off you'll just make your in-laws retreat further into the abuse.

Thank you for this. It’s a very accurate description of the situation and why there is no simple solution.

I think I would encourage my DH and his other brother to have one last attempt with their parents to move the situation on, ie remove the unwanted ‘lodger’ and protect their home and themselves from future abuses. If that doesn’t work then I’d refuse to visit the house, whilst making it clear that PIL are very welcome at your house. This would be a personal stance as your DH may want to still pop over to see them etc. But your refusal, on the basis that you no longer wish to witness the abuse, may trigger them into seeing the situation more clearly.
If it doesn’t, then you must leave it to your DH and his other brother. You change what you can, and accept what you cannot change, but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to witness it.

Either they take steps to get him out or they don't. But you can't force them to kick him out.

They can help them though! They are elderly and quite rightly scared of him

There scared of him but also scared of what the neighbours will think if there’s a commotion.

We had to deal with an almost exact situation last year. It was horrific watching my ILs being scared of their own son. We spent a long time trying to persuade them to ask him to leave but MIL just couldn’t bring herself to do it. Although we had to put up with hearing all about every single thing he was doing that upset them.

The thing which worked in the end was persuading them to move closer to us. MIL went along with it as she felt downsizing was a legitimate excuse to give to their son. So he was told they would be putting the house on the market in a few months and he had to have moved out by then. It worked! Everyone is so much happier now.
I do sympathies with you as it’s an horrendous thing to witness.

Not necessarily. However, the way the parents are allowing themselves to be treated begs the capacity question.

OP’s husband and other brother might want to consider taking the time to stay with their parents for a week or so to support them to remove him and, if needed, get the help he also needs. Not an easy option but might be best for all concerned.

I’m not sure how posters think the parents would be able to sell a house with this brother in residence and turning it into, for want of a better expression, a pigsty.

So what is your DH doing to help his parents with this?

My Db had some of these traits when his marriage collapsed and he moved in with DM. It was an awful time. DM wouldn’t ask him to leave because there was nowhere for him to go, ( he was drinking and this brought mental health problems). She knew that if she threw him out he would most likely end up on the streets. Do you think if you explored some alternative options for him that your PIL might be more willing to act.

Social services are the logical team to get involved. They can look at getting support in place for parents and son. It sounds like the son has mental helath issues or ND that needs input, and obviously the parents need help to get things under control and/or make him leave.

Age UK has good advice on their website and links to specific organisations that support those suffering from elder abuse. I'll try to find the links

This is the main organisation that you should call @AchillesLastStand
They have a 24/7 helpline

https://wearehourglass.org/hourglass-services

The Age UK page on domestic abuse (including by adult offspring)

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/domestic-abuse/

This is awful. He obviously has mental health issues. My first step is seeking help for him (obviously trying to get him to engage will probably be difficult). I feel so bad for your in-laws, it is no way to live.

Yes I see quite a lot of victim blaming on this thread. PIL are probably frightened of their son and worried about what would happen to him (and them) if they evicted him. It's an awful situation for them

Sadly, unless / until they are receptive to help, there's not a lot OP can do. Keep in touch so they know that if / when they are ready, support is available. But you can still put in your own boundaries eg decline to visit their house if you're not permitted to use the bathroom

Your husband and his brother need to go back and just turf him out; change the locks, no eviction notices, nothing, just pick him up and throw him out saying, you don't live here anymore.

This is very difficult.

You're obviously concerned about your MIL being left on her own with this person if your FIL passes away first. Is there any chance that putting this scenario to your FIL might get him to take some action? Obviously it's a very sensitive subject, but he might act to protect his wife even if he won't act to protect himself.

My only other thought is that your PILs could do with some counselling/psychotherapy. Or else they should be discussing the situation with their friends, or even their GP. From what you say, it seems extremely unlikely that either of these things might happen, though. I would imagine they're keeping the whole situation as secret as they can, and honestly I think that approach is part of what keeps situations like this going.

I'm watching this thread in the hope of getting some useful ideas myself. My SIL has been living with my MIL for about 13 years now. SIL isn't nearly as bad as your BIL, but she's no picnic, and MIL will do nothing to change the situation (or let us help her to change it).