AIBU to tell my in-laws about my husband’s ADHD diagnosis?

[Adviceplease00]

I am a long time lurker. I have name changed for this as I'm looking for advice please as I don't know what to do and ideally I don't want to be outed or do the wrong thing.

Over the past year I have helped my DH with his mental health, I have helped him get Dr's appointments and helping him request medication and/or upped doses of medication for his mental health. On top of helping him with his mental health, I helped him contact the Dr's regarding a right to choose referral for ADHD and ASD. He's had his ADHD assessment and has been diagnosed with ADHD. We're waiting results on his ASD assessment.

He hasn't told his parents and has decided against informing them as his response was they wouldn't understand as they're 'from that era that doesn't think it's real'. I'm on the fence as I feel he needs support from his parents as well and not just receiving support from myself. I feel his parents wouldn't not believe him and his diagnosis. I believe they would want to know to support him.

Would I be unreasonable to tell them? Please be kind as I was very much so in two minds on posting, I don't have many friends or anyone I can speak to about it really.

Of course you'd be unreasonable.

You've given him a lot of help but that doesn't mean you're allowed to take over, while he still has full capacity.

If he doesn't want to tell them then that's up to him.

I'm assuming he doesn't work if he needs a lot of help with everything, do they ever ask why?

Yes, you would be unreasonable to tell them against his express wishes.

It is your husband's health and it's his choice who he discloses this to.

No you shouldn't share your husbands private medical information, especially as he has made it clear he doesn't want this shared with his parents.

It's not your decision to make.

You have to accept that he has a right not to tell anyone if he doesn't want to.

It eould be extremely wrong of you to divulge his medical information to anyone without permission.

It's really not your place to tell them. How would you feel if he went around telling people about a medical diagnosis of yours when you'd asked him not to?

Realistically he knows his parents better than you and if he doesn't think they would support him if he disclosed his diagnosis then keeping it to himself is his right.

I can very much see why he wouldn't want to tell them and can think of several people like his parents who think ADHD is just another word for naughty so I can't say I blame him at all for not wanting to share.

Absolutely do not do this. I have ADHD, diagnosed as an adult and I won’t ever tell my parents. That’s my choice to make and if DH went behind my back I’d be furious.

It doesn't matter what you think they'll respond to the news like. It's his diagnosis and his decision. Do you really want to break his trust?

He doesn't work no, they do ask why, they try and encourage him to find work and for him to use his knowledge of what he studied/trained in but he finds it very stressful and unable to cope. He ignores them or says maybe comments when it comes up.

I'm autistic and was diagnosed as an adult, my family don't know.

If my husband told them this without my permission I would be so upset. It would possibly be divorce material, I can't see how I could trust or rely on him if he shared personal medical Information I'd specifically asked him not to.

Please don't do this to him.

Absolutely do not tell them OP. He has told you he doesn’t want them to know. Telling them
would be a massive breach of trust.

Thank you everyone, it's really opened my eyes and valid comments which I appreciate. I will go ahead and not inform them as I don't want to break trust and I'll carry on supporting him with his mental health and diagnosis.

He’s not wrong, a lot of people will just roll their eyes rather than accepting the diagnosis and supporting the person in a new way. He knows his parents better than you.

It’s his life, it’s his choice, don’t go over his head with this that’s a really shitty move.

Absolutely not your place to do so.

He's an adult and assuming he has full mental capacity, he has the right to choose who he does and doesnt share his personal medical information with!

If theyve seen him struggle and not support him so far, I doubt theyd do anything even if they did know.

You cant go against his wishes. There may be a time he chooses to tell them once he has got used to the idea himself- a diagnosis feels huge and takes time to get your head around.

Very valid point, thank you for this.

Don’t tell them.
I am in similar position to your DH. My parents don’t fully understand, and I have told them what I am going through. Honestly I felt so deflated after their reactions, but I have other people in my life who do understand so I focus on that.

You would be VVU, yes.

It is 100% his choice who he shares his diagnosis with.

NO exceptions.

I even give my child this much respect and he's 12!

Please don’t do this. I have diagnoses of ADHD and autism and the only people who don’t know are my parents.Any medical diagnosis I get is confidential unless I choose to share it.

I will say that, if a partner did that to me, they would be out the door before they knew what was happening.

I know you are supporting him but if he does have Nd conditions then you destroy his trust permanently

Is it partly that you would like someone to share with/get support from? Totally understandable in my opinion it can be tough and lonely on you too. Perhaps paying for some therapy for you to get to express some of your feelings/how you find it tough sometimes would be a way to achieve that and maintain the confidentiality of your dh which is really important.

I was worried about telling my parents about my son's ASD diagnosis. They'd brushed off any concerns I'd had about his behaviour and actions for 10 years.
However I was surprised they responded very reasonably.

As I read the report with the diagnosis my mum kept saying "oh that's just like your dad, your dad does that..." etc

Shortly after my dad started talking about potentially being on the spectrum, which is definitely was, but as he was late 70s no-one knew about it when he was a kid!

Anyway, these things run in families, and therefore all the characteristics that are used to diagnose ASD and ADHD may be seen as just normal in families where there is more than 1 generation of n/diversity. That could be the reason why your DH's parents are dismissive of his struggles - they just see those things as normal life, not a problem.

But it might also be eye-opening for them to find out his diagnosis eventually and they may respond differently from how he believes they would.

You mustn't tell them yourself, but once he's had the full reports and the news has had time to settle with him, and his life starts to feel a bit more normal and easy, maybe he will become open minded to talking to them about it.

Yeah maybe as I do find it very tough and lonely to deal with. Especially as there are children in the house and I'm juggling that as well as day to day life too. Thank you, good idea and I will look in to that.

I think you get it OP.

I, like you detest relationships based on selective truths and lies but this time you need to accept it.

I’ve had to conceal medical conditions like cancer of a parent and it’s shit and lonely, because you have to bear the brunt of it.

If your DH starts treatment or therapy then maybe he will open up to his parents. if they ever ask you , you could say that it’s a conversation between them and their son, and you will not interfere with that.

Perhaps concentrate on the help that your DH is willing to accept, to make your life easier and to get him to a point where he might be able to share.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and comments. I appreciate them all and have decided not to tell them and carry on supporting my DH as I have been. I'll be looking in to getting me some counselling support going forward too.

Thank you to those who shared their stories with me too, it helps as I felt so alone. Thank you 😊