Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

The dime’s the same whether the room’s shared or not. This has been pointed out to you before.

Ultimately I agree with this. It seems like such an antiquated approach to work trips and the organisation were probably looking to implement a new culture, especially given the current climate. The fact that all this seems to have been decided in the blink of an eye points to it being in the plans for a while.

But the insurance isn’t, as I have pointed out before. Have none of you ever had to complete a risk assessment?

I know! How ghastly! Terribly damaging - I should know, I go to weddings alone [pause for group lament at my misfortune]. In light of this wellbeing information, companies should OBVIOUSLY provide overnight companions for single employees!

Actually, in 'Mad Men' days, they did. We could probably shoehorn the sex work debate in here if we just push ever so slightly ...

I'm saying what I said. A colleague was comfortable bringing his boyfriends along when they were all working away. To me that indicates a less prejudiced industry than the one you seem to rather unhappily find yourself in.

Well aren’t you pleasant.

So we’ve gone from “no prejudice” to “less prejudiced”? That’s a big change.

And I work in one of the most accepting and accommodating industries on the planet - very happily I might add - and I still wouldn’t bring my wife to a work event. Because guess what? Prejudice exists in every sphere of life.

So why are you so incensed at the thought of other people that you dont even know, daring to have a bit of fun and getting a free stay? It's an utterly jobless approach, and doesn't indicate personal happiness.

Why would you want to spend more time with your husband than you have to?

That's what you're asking, isn't it.

The thing I find interesting is the word maybe, is how keen all the plus ones seem to be to hang out with eachother. If I’m going to put effort into making friends in a workplace it’ll my work not my husbands. If it was a really cool company with loads of glam events that’d be one thing but basic out of town hotels doing audit for a couple of nights I don’t get.

And OP you describe it as a really nice company & how you’ve built relationships with other plus ones but no one thought to ask this woman to dinner until she brought it up. Or possibly explain that plus ones were a thing.

No, I don't, that's why I'm asking the question. You haven't answered it.

Im asking the question I actually typed oddly.

You don’t get to re draft it to fit some lazy oh you’re anti husband agenda.

She’s spending hardly any time with her husband in any case, he’s at work all day.

Exactly. Yes it’s your own time, but work are essentially paying for it, so if they’d prefer their staff socialise with each other, rather than bring partners then that’s perfectly reasonable.

One of my staff did it once. I went with them to check in as I was joining them for dinner, to find out one wasn’t coming with us, as her DH had driven 6hrs for a night in a hotel. I found it bizarre, you live with this man, and a chance to catch up with colleagues is in my book, more important. I didn’t say anything, and she has moved on anyway, but not the done thing.

You've been on @Sweetmarzipan's thread all this time and you haven't read her posts?

Fucking hell.

I've been wondering this too. It seems like she didn't know, queried it when she got back to her main office and now there's a change in policy.

Why in god's name are you assuming they expect the employer to insure the spouse?

No where does she answer 1) what happens with the kids, 2) or her own job.

I’ve worked for a few organisations where they won’t pay for alcohol.

What a strange response. I genuinely do wonder what planet some posters live on sometimes.

Why in god’s name do you not understand how insurance and risk assessments work?

Oh, me too. Anyway I'm thoroughly looking forward to my month's free hotel and time with my husband in an interesting major city this summer.

If you check, you'll find this is because the food & accommodation are classed as subsistence - not entertainment or a privilege or in lieu of pay, but a substitute for your usual home arrangements while on company business. Some companies don't consider alcohol a necessary part of everyday life, so they don't include it. (Also see a la carte meals.)

This very point, that it's a substitute for home, is why it's unreasonable for the employer to demand certain social activities outside the working day. Or to preclude them, for that matter.

I agree. I’ll get flamed for this I’m sure but it indicates a level of co-dependency that I personally find troubling. And while there cannot be the expectation that workers socialise with each other after hours, I find it hard to believe that inviting spouses on work trips isn’t distracting and think it kills any attempts at team building stone dead.

And I personally cannot think of anything worse than spending my spare time socialising with my wife’s colleagues’ spouses - surely there are better things to be getting on with?

Oh that sounds nice, have a great time. I don’t need to tag along on my wife’s work trips - we go on actual holidays instead.

I really don't think you do, not in this context anyway. You might be fantastic at hammering out a settlement when an all-risks insured driver crashes into a third-party only one, but you seem a little shaky when it comes to personal responsibilities vs corporate.

And, thank you! Yes, most people do find me pleasant.