Husband’s female colleague’s issue being taken very seriously.

[Sweetmarzipan]

So background. DH works in a fairly male dominated industry.

When he first started in this company he would be away fairly often. One or two nights away every 4/6 weeks. One week in April and the odd conference.

I almost always went with him if I could for no other reason than the free hotel. If there were other colleagues they would have have their spouses with them as well. We became friends with many of them and still socialise. Irrelevant to my post but we always had separate bills and we never exploited expenses and we never saw other colleagues do this either but obviously the room was the same price regardless of occupancy.

Covid came along and other ways of doing things came about so audits etc were done remotely and these trips are now few and far between.

Last week I did join him for the first time in probably 6 months. He was leaving the centre with a male colleague in his fifties and a female colleague (mid thirties but I don’t know if anyone will find ages relevant) who had joined the company around three to six months ago (DH and colleague differ on the dates).

As they left to check into hotel the female colleague asked if they were eating, but they said that they had their wives with them and the male colleague said that she was welcome to join them but she declined. We had booked a pub meal on our own.

They were all together on Friday but over the weekend she has made a complaint suggesting that I and the other colleague’s wife had deliberately tagged along as they believed she would be unprofessional and inappropriate.

An email has now gone out saying that spouses are no longer able to tag along.

Colleague was spoken to face to face and the bosses did seem apologetic. DH was on a site and saw the email and was phoned by one of the directors again with apologies.

Surely she should have been told about the culture of the company. I am really gobsmacked. Two other wives have texted me this morning and they feel the same. We had a really nice lifestyle there which is bound to have created a nice work environment.

This would have been the point in the conversation when the person complaining was told by management "as this isn't the first time Sweetmarzipan and Mrs X have been away with their DH's, I'm sure that thought never entered their minds"

I wonder if one of the husbands had made a comment about their wife ‘tagging along to keep tabs on him’. Maybe a clumsy, laddy attempt at a joke which has backfired or maybe it’s true.

I don’t think it’s an issue for partners to join now and again but it is shitty and thoughtless that the colleague was told at the last minute that both the wives were there and they had plans when you’d assume that colleagues away together would probably eat together at least.

What should have happened is she had been told they were there and properly invited to join them. She clearly would have felt awkward crashing a couples’ meal in the hotel.

But the working relationships aren’t exactly going to being improved by this situation. Guys are hardly going to be tripping over themselves to socialise with someone that made a complaint about them.

I’ve never heard of people bringing spouses on business trips before. I would find it very odd. The only time I’ve ever taken DH to a work thing was the annual Christmas party to
which he was formally invited. I do think she jumped to quite an odd conclusion though.

To have guts to complain about the wifes is scary. If she can do that god knows what else she can do. She is to be watched and you need to stand up to her! As now she is inclining you taught bad of her which you did not. So the rule of no wifes MUST be revoked.

But it’s the hotels themselves that are out of policy. So it has nothing to do with what loyalty level you are. A 5 star IHG hotel with a rooftop pool is unlikely to fall within policy for most employers (if you work in the UK, your husband’s company/industry are the exception), but a standard Holiday Inn, also owned by IHG, will be within the travel allowance of most companies but isn’t 5 star nor will it have a rooftop pool.

Also, I can’t believe anyone would pay for flights just so they could work from a hotel room and use a rooftop pool! Save the money and take yourself to a lovely spa on a non-work day?!

I was away with work Friday and my bf stayed over night with me I did the work thing then met him after and had a lovely hotel together I wouldn’t have gone if we wasn’t allowed

Really weird and inappropriate to bring a spouse to "almost all" of the work trips!

My boss has to spend 2 weeks in Germany but rather than go home over the weekend, he's flying his wife out on the Friday so they can both spend the weekend there. She'll then be flying back alone on the Monday while he stays on.

Circumstances like that would be acceptable, but ad hoc overnight trips? No, that's really strange.

I hope you’re taking the piss because fucking hell 🤣

My thoughts, too! What the heck?? 😂

Good luck for her from now on doing business that way ! A nice way to make enemies .

It seems really odd the company have immediately jumped to this decision. They will need to accommodate disabled workers, breastfeeding mums etc who may need a spouse with them.
It sounds like they’d worked all day, finished work and she asked what doing for dinner. Assuming they would all eat together, perhaps old company that was norm. Shame they didn’t say we usually just sort our own see you tomorrow at 9am.
Lots of reasons why you wouldn’t want to eat with a colleague. I had a friend who travelled auditing and never ate out as she wanted to lose weight. A colleague never came out for meals due to her eating disorder.

Yes obviously depends on sector.
I can only wfh in uk. The rooftop pool is uk.
If abroad then if it’s somewhere I want to go I’ll pay my flights and use annual leave.
We do lots of holidays outside work too, it’s just a nice bonus.

it's the fact that you are all a group but all so self centre that you would spilt up and leave one person alone. If you weren't so self-centred and rude, and had thought for a minute that X hadn't got a spouse with them, so you needed to make sure that everyone did something together with all of the colleagues including X and all the spouses

Wanting to do your own thing after work isn't rude or self-centered. Why do they all need to do something together? They're adults, not kids on a school trip. They're not obliged to spend their time with each other after work just because they're not going home.

Also the other couple literally invited her to dinner and she said no. And besides, the complaint wasn't that they'd excluded her, it was that the wives had come because they thought she'd act inappropriately with their husbands.

Totally agree with your comment.

While I take most PPs' arguments that this may not have been her exact complaint, I have known dozens of women with this much main character syndrome! Many of 'em also saw their god-given purpose in life - and work - as shagging any available men.

To be fair to them, it never hurt their careers. They were reasonably good at their jobs and got extra praise when they did well. They were friendly and fun. No idea how any of them came to believe their value lay between their legs, and they would've lied if asked. Several had very definite personality disorders.

I can't imagine any of the women I knew playing their faces about wives accompanying their husbands - but can imagine a similar woman, who'd always been in a male field, feeling her special place had been usurped.

Who knows, but it's nowhere near as impossible as most assume.

Definitely not! The atmosphere is bound to be frosty now.

It's fair enough for the company to decide they don't want non-employees staying in the rooms they're paying for. Bit of a shame maybe but it is up to them. They certainly don't get to decide what employees do in their downtime on work trips though. None of them owe their colleagues entertainment.

I don't. Why should all evening be spent with colleagues? You need a break and some downtime from them.

It was odd she jumped to that conclusion, but equally odd that spouses tag along on work trips. I’ve never heard of anyone doing this before. I think she probably found the whole situation very strange.

Wondering if that’s projection… it’s a huge stretch!

How condescending can you get. I completely agree with the post you belittled and I work in a professional capacity and we do go with each other on work trips. It's nothing to do with a professional persona. You don't see your spouse during the working day and if there is formal evening event you don't go. It's not Victorian and has nothing to do with having to have your spouse with you. Some of us like being with our spouse and some of us do know a bit about our colleagues lives out side work because, surprisingly, they are fellow humans.

So you would pay train tickets just so you can work from a hotel room and use a rooftop pool. In the UK. In March.

On work do’s where the company pays the room, I’ve seen all the employees bring along anyone - spouse, lover, cousin, friend, mother, sister etc.Since the room was already paid for, the other person basically gets the hotel room for free.

obviously, the other person has to pay for their meals which the hotel is happy to invoice separately.

also, on work do’s there can be Team meals for team building or discussing work, and obviously the other person doesn’t turn up for these.

However, it’s not always you have these team meals, and even not every night.

I never saw the other person paying for the hotel room, that’s what the company does.

Yes, it's very odd for someone who's apparently a professional to assume that their setup applies in all professional roles. After all, professional covers an incredibly diverse range of jobs and organisations!

it certainly looks like that!