Post divorce, have you been unable to provide a home for your young adult children?

[SoSadSoSadSoSad]

I mean 18-22 years old when they might be at university and not yet independent?

I will have to move in with my dad I think, when my 16 year old leaves school at 18. I just can’t continue affording where I live now.

He will have to stay with his dad in the university holidays. He’s not fond of his dad who is a volatile bully but I don’t really have a choice for him. I can’t keep paying rent on an expensive house just for the kids’ holidays.

My 13 year old has already decided to live with his dad because his dad is offering private school and he can’t stand me anyway.

My 19 year old is leaving university after one year as she hates it, can’t see the value for money and she wants to live with me whilst she sorts herself out. What she will do after two years, I don’t know.

It is all so tricky and I am so disappointed with myself for not being able to provide more especially as my Dcs start to launch themselves into the real world. I feel like such a loser.

I guess I should be grateful my ex can provide space for them if they need it.

i guess yet more gaps will be created in my relationship with my DCs because I can’t help them the way they will need.

Do you live near their dad? They can always spend days with you then sleep at his

No. I live in a different country to their dad.

Could you possibly rent a 2 bedroom flat? So one room for you, one spare. This way you could house your 16 yo when he turns 18 and use the sitting room as a bedroom to accommodate your daughter? Your current 13 yo can live with his dad if that’s what he wants, or he could bunk in with his older brother.

It might be a squash and a squeeze but at least you are able to give them a roof over their head until they venture off on their own.

Do you work? Could you not afford to house yourself?

I do work yes. Where I live the rents are crazy though. I am fortunate my landlord has not upped the rent since we’ve been living here. And I plan to move back to the UK, find work (hopefully although I hear the employment situation is not great) and stay with my dad to save up money and eventually rent a flat myself.

It’s just these critical years when my DCs are in transition, still need stability and I too am in transition. I wish I could have done better for them and by them.

My ex sold our mortgage free home and squandered all the money. I was not allowed to be privy to any financial goings on when in the marriage. So we are now both renting.

My DS was in halls for his first year and was then in a house share and he did not come “home” from the house share for holidays. It was a September to September rental.

he didn’t want to stay with his dad and at the time O was in a poky rental with his sister and no real space for him.

not ideal.

unfortunately sometimes it is not possible to provide the support you want to provide.

I would warn you a bit about the U.K. - the Jobs market is not good here.

Yes. I have heard jobs market is not good. It’s not good where I live either. I’m grateful for my job but it doesn’t pay enough really.

Another reason I really wanted to give my kids somewhere to live because the jobs prospects are not good for them and they need a port in a storm.

Port in a storm may or may not be helpful, though. I can absolutely see why you would want that but my mum was in a similar position and I basically had to organise my own life since the age of 19. Which I did. Moved to a different country, got a job, finished two degrees as a mature student, settled and am fully independent. My cousin had to move with my granny at a similar age. He is in his mid thirties now, still lives in her spare bedroom, has a minimum wage part time job which he hates and spends most of his time outside of work playing computer games. There is nothing quite like lack of safety net that focuses a young person's mind.

What country do you live in now, OP?
Did your ex sell the house and squander the money whilst you were still married?

Can you not get help from benefits / welfare (whatever it's called in your country).

You talk about moving back to the UK but are your kids in Uni in a different country (where you are now) and youngest in UK with his Dad?

Apologies for all the questions- just trying to fully understand.

Yes. You’re right here. I think I would refer to it as a rocket up the arse to get things sorted for oneself.

it’s just they - or rather we all - have had a shitty and distressing time with my ex having lobbed grenades into our lives with violence, debt and adultery (that was my special treat).

So I just wanted to be their rock more. I can’t. I’m 55 now. And I really need to think ahead.

I live in Luxembourg. I have not leveraged everything I can in terms of benefits here, no. I should. But I feel ashamed.

My ex squandered everything during the marriage. I couldn’t afford a forensic accountant for this investigation. I already am in debt for £20k for solicitors fees.

He also spent money earmarked for school fees so I am liable for €15k of those too.

Dcs not at private school anymore! That had to stop pronto as soon as my ex’s dreadful behaviour and financial fuck ups came to light. Although he’s paying for our youngest to go to private school in UK. Ludicrous waste of money.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you are in such a difficult position. I am in a similar position myself due to a ex dp having an affair. I have 3 DC, aged 21 (at uni), 19 living and working with a family member and 17 doing A-levels.
I can just about manage to afford to rent a 2 bed house and the dc are always going to be welcome but it really isn't ideal.
I feel like a terrible parent not being able to support them in their first years of adulthood. (The dc's father died some years ago so they don't have that option).

You can still support them with love and advice and a good relationship even if they cannot live with you.

YANBU to be disappointed but that’s life. Not many people can support four adults on one wage.

They'll be fine. When I went to uni at nineteen my parents had split so they sold up and both moved into places that weren't suitable for me to stay at or move into. Some halls at uni will let you stay there year-round, the one I lived in from 19-22 did. That room was my home for three years, 365 days a year, then when I graduated I got a house share. Plenty of young adults do. It isn't a failing to not have space for your adult children to move in with you OP, so please don't feel it is.

I learned a lot from being independent at that age, not being able to return 'home' like some peers did, and looking after myself. It turned out to be a really positive thing.

Exactly my perspective too :)

Like other posters, my parents split up when I'd just turned 21. I had got married 2 days beforehand and had bought a house with my then husband. Came back from honeymoon to WW3...

My two brothers, 22 and 18, were still living at home. House was sold 3 years later and they had to make their own living arrangements, as my mother wasn't working and couldn't afford to support/house them. The divorce ended up in court and the judge made it very clear to my mother that she had no minor dependents and that my brothers, as adults, were expected to support/house themselves.

My mother admitted a few years later that as bad as the situation was, it gave both of them - particularly my older brother - the kick up the bum needed to actually 'launch' as adults. If it hadn't happened she honestly thought my older brother would have still been living at home well into his 30s...

Yes. I know that is life. Life has been full of great disappointments and distress so far. For all of us.

im not talking about supporting them on one wage. Not sure where that comes from. I was merely wishing I could provide them with a roof over their heads whilst they find their way.

This is heartening.

Your younger brother - how did he cope? What did he end up doing to survive?

My eldest, who is almost 21, is still with his dad. I couldn’t afford him here at my home anymore as he would eat so much and contribute zero and add to my workload. So he got a gf in U.K. and off he went go live with his dad.

Perhaps I should frame it as an opportunity for them? And for me maybe too? Although my ex will weaponise my circs against me and claim I am an awful parent. He’s done well to bitch about me to the dcs and turn them so far.

But I can’t control what people say. Can only do my best.

Thank you for all the positive words and outlooks.

I can also make sure I have a sofa bed for emergencies.

@SoSadSoSadSoSad Both my brothers were fine. My younger brother stayed with his friends for awhile and then got his own flat. My older brother went straight into his own flat. Both got jobs. Basically they had no choice but to do so.

Out of our whole family, I'm the only one who has ever been homeless...3 years later, after my divorce from my 1st husband. I'd tried going back to our home country, it didn't work and a year later I ended up back in the UK with less than £50 to my name (I'd taken my mother with me and she stayed). I was homeless for 2 weeks, then managed to get a bedsit and had a job within 3 months. I turned 25 during that period.

Like others have said, having no parental safety net is a great motivator.

Is Luxembourg very expensive compared to the UK? Can you look for a UK job, move sooner rather than later, or would this disrupt the 16 year old too much? Can't see why you'd wait to move, if you can't afford it where you live now.
There's no point wishing things were different, you're doing your best and the kids have 2 parents, it's not all on you. It does sound very hard being across multiple countries. If you're going to be living with your daughter, she will be working and contributing a bit? That will make it a bit easier while you sort out the logistics.

There's no point feeling shame... you work and pay into the system, and now you need to withdraw from that system for some extra help. Try to think of it as if you have been putting money away (your taxes) for a rainy day fund and now you need access to that rainy day fund. It might help you to save a little extra in the next 2 yrs while you stay in Luxembourg.

What kind of job are you in? Will it be easy to find a similar role in the UK, but perhaps in a cheaper part of the country? So maybe you could afford a 2 bed rental in a cheaper location than having to move in with your father?

Does your father own his home? Do you have siblings?

YANBU to feel disappointed and upset, but your DC are adults. In earlier generations most of us did not return to live with our parents after uni. I left home at 18 and after uni I lived in a house-share. I was skint and really struggled initially, but that's life, surely and hardly unusual? If you have a sofa-bed for emergencies and for them to visit you, I really think that's fine and I do think being forced to grow up will actually be good for them. You need to start thinking about your retirement too, not worrying about housing your DC. I know that maybe sounds harsh, but if your ex squandered all that money you are no doubt behind with your savings and need to focus on paying off debts and getting back on an even financial footing for yourself. After all, your kids are unlikely to bail you out if you end up in poverty in old age, so that's where you focus needs to be going forward 💐

And yes, please access whatever support you're entitled to while you're in Luxembourg and don't feel shame. I'm sure you've paid plenty in over the years!

You do what you can. I had to go back and live with my mum for a year when I was 30. My DH at the time had taken a job a few hours away and I was left in his city without many social friends just work people. He was renting in the other city whilst we also pad a mortgage on our home. He visited weekends when he could and I did him. However I also spent alot of time travelling a few hours in the other direction just to see my family so we decided we would sell up. I moved in with my mum when I got a job for a year and than he came home (to my mum’s town) after deciding his job wasn’t working out. We then bought a house.

It was helpful being able to stay with my mum as long as I needed and she didn’t charge rent as I was still paying mortgage til we sold. My sister then moved abroad and so my mum’s house became a place she could come back with her family to stay. My children have also stayed over a lot when we needed childcare in the early days.

I am lucky my mum has a home that we can still stay in. I’m now a single parent with my own home. Mortgaged initially and then DH becam XDH. I was about to start struggling with mortgage when rates went up but sadly received inheritance which cleared my mortgage.

So I am lucky that my kids will have a home if they eventually leave and go to Uni or if they need to stay as long as they want. I also claim UC to top up my poor full time wage. So OP if there are benefits on Luxembourg then be too embarrassed to claim. I do feel slightly stuck wage wise as my UC tops me up but when I get a pay increase from work I lose the same in UC so never actually see the benefit of my wage increases. But once my kids are adults I’ll lose all my UC anyway as it’s the kids elements and my personal allowance due to kids that are giving me some of the UC. Once kids leave I’ll lose entitlement or my wages will cancel any entitlement out.