Ive updated on a seperate thread as the other thread isnt getting any new replies since my update. Please read previous post first.
So we've been together for 20 years, I have never cheated and never would cheat. I have been feeling this way for the last 10 years. I go through stages where I put up with my lack of feelings and think 'oh well this if life and how a long term relationship is at our age' but then the i go through the stage where i think 'no this isnt how it has to be and i can have more from life and a relationship'.
whats kicked off this current crossroads is there's a guy ( il refer to him as 'guy') who lve know for 25 years through a friend of a friend, over the last 25 years weve proberbly seen each other less than 10 times. Met him at 15 and there was this instant spark and chemistry between us. He would say to the friend group that he thought I was the most beautiful girl (i am not) hes met and wished I would date him and I always laughed it off to others and didn't entertain it as either he was in a relationship or I was. I never spoke to anyone or him that I also fancied him and felt this connection. Years would pass and I would randomly think of him but got on with life. Over the years we would see each other at friends parties every few years or so and gradually less and less as we got older and less parties. Again there would be these looks from him and he would say to me though that I haven't changed over the years and he thinks I'm beautiful, not in a coming onto me way, more in a passing conversation being nice. I would say thanks but deep down I wished I was single so we could get together but this was internalised i never spoke it. Fast forward to now and i saw him a a party again, its been about 8 years since I last saw him (also no social media interaction neither of us are on it so no communication at all or no way to know how his or my life is going etc married kids etc as i wouldnt ask friends as they would wonder why i wanted to know) so seen him the other week at this party and agin we saw each other and there was this spark, i know he felt it too by how he looked at me. (Also my dp has never come to these parties because 1 he never wanted to come even when he was a drinker and 2 because I would have to warn him to control how much he drank because he wouldn't know when to stop and make a show of himself so he would say oh what's the point of going if your going to limit how much I can drink, I did this because when he drank too much he would start fights with random men for no reason and then fall around and be sick etc so that's why I told him to come but only have 4 drinks but he would rather not come atall if there was a limit)
Anyway guy spoke to friend before me and he said to our mutual friend that he can't believe how i looks the exact same from 20 years ago, ive not aged and am still the most beautiful woman hes seen, friend told me this laughing saying hes still got a soft spot for you after all these years. Eventually after about an hour he came over to say hi and said to me the same that ive not changed and haven't aged at all (I have) etc. We were speaking about our lives, I told him I have 2 kids and still with dp of 20 years and he was saying he has a ds but has been in and out of relationships and is currently single. Few hours later he came to talk to me again, could hardly hear as music was so loud but we got on the topic of us and ive got low self esteem always have and weight issues up and down over the years and he said that he's always thought i was beautiful at all the weights ive been and that he's always had a thing for me but I've always been in a relationship and that he knows I've never felt the same back (because I never said anything back other thanks over the years) but that I shouldn't have low self esteem as I could be a model (absolutely coulsnt be) i actually told him that I've always had a thing for him too and felt that he was the one who got away and he looked at me shocked as if to say 'i cant believe you liked me back all these years'. I felt bad on dp even saying this out loud but I needed to. He asked me was I happy in my relationship and I said yes (ont know why i saud yes as im not but this has nothing to do with guy) but I said yes but I always wonder about if we ever got together but that I would never cheat and i laughingly said il probably see you in another 10 years and 10 after that and so on until were both about 80 we'll both be single and finally get together. He said something along the lines of your worth getting a black eye for. (Again I would never cheat). He then said il leave you to your friends as it might look odd howlong we were spending talking. When I was going home I gave him a quick hug, as I did to everyone, I said bye and said il probably see you in 10 years. That was that but this as been taking over my mind for the last week. The feeling I got when he looked at me awoke something in me that I haven't felt for 10 years. I thought i was past sex and intimacy as I haven't felt that way with my dp and I blamed my hormones but I think that maybe it's because I don't have those feelings for dp not that i dont want intimacy.
Now another thing about me is I'm not a rash person, I will think of every scenario before I make a decision, it takes me 2 to 3 working days to decide which brand of baked beans to buy lol. I am still not 100% sure if my lack of feelings towards dp is down to hormones or how he has been over the years or both but i don't want to throw away a 20 year relationship because I mistaking thought my lack of feelings were down to dp behaviour and then I possibly get with guy or someone else thinking the grass will be greener but it actually isn't, or I stay with dp because of the fear of the grass not being greener and end up feeling this miserable for ever.
I was madly in love with dp when we met and I fancied the pants off him but over the years, I grown up and he stayed the same boy, not adapting and changing with age and that made me look at him differently. What if those feelings I get with guy are the same but then dwindle if we were to get together when it turns out he's also not as perfect as I think he is. I'm very much a sexual person as in quality not quantity, I would rather have best sex once a year than mediocre sex once a week. My dp is very much the opposite, quantity, short, no intimacy, not passionate (but again I'm glad of this with him as I can't be passionate with him as I don't have those feelings anymore) but I want to be able to have those feelings and experience passion again (I'm only in my early 40s).
I don't even know what I'm asking.... I suppose do you think i could get those feelings back for dp or do you think they're long gone?. Do you think these feelings for guy are contributing towards lack of feelings towards dp? Has anyone been in this situation and either stayed with dp or left and got with the one that got away or even got with someone new that you developed this spark with, what was the outcome? I'm so lost i don't want to ruin my life and end up unhappier to pursue a feeling that might not last but I dont want to exist in this miserable state until i die if I could be happier. Again I want to add my current dp is a lovely man (now he doesn't drink) and looks after me and kids and does everything around the house but all financial responsibility has been down to me, but he is a caring partner