To leave a 20 year meh relationship for the unknown or to not! HELP

[xfeelinemptyx]

Sorry but this will be a long one I'm so lost. I'm 42f with 42m dp not married been together 20 years with 2 kids 19f and 16m. For the last 8/10 years of the relationship I have fell out of love with him. He feels more like an annoying roommate etc. I love him the same way I love my brothers as in I love him and would be devastated if he was ever hurt or if he was unhappy etc but he annoys the life out of me ane not in a cute way. I've not been attracted to him for the last 10 years of our relationship, I don't want him intimately near me. Now the first 5 years or so of feeling this way i put it down to the fact he drank too much 3/4 times a week, I didn't like the drunk version of him (he wasnt or has never been physically or verbally abusive to me or kids) he just changed personality like he became a dark depressed version of himself and got absolutely legless like an 18 year old would being sick, not able to stand up or know what he was doing and he didn't have a steady job for the past 10 years, hes been in and out of jobs while all financial burden was left to me and my wages. Now i know this sounds like he's a looser but when he didnt drink he was a lovely man, great dad and because I was the worker he was basically a house wife and I've never had to lift a finger or make meals do the washing etc even though I told him multiple times through the years i would rather split the housework 50/50 and him get a full time permanent job because we both need to be working as my wage and he's odd days here and there weren't enough to live. Anyways fast forward another 5 years of me moaning at him to quit the beer and get a proper job and it still not happening, I ended our relationship which was hard because I do love him and he had no one or nowhere to go as the rented house and everything in it is mine. This hit him hard and made him realise he'd been taking the piss and what he's life could potentially end up like, he begged to come home. I told him only if he proved to me he could quit the beer and get a job and keep it. He quit the beer completely for 6 months and I took him back and it's been nearly a year now and he still doesn't drink apart from maybe once every couple of weeks he might have 2 beers but that doesn't affect him at all. He has struggled on the job front though because he doesn't drive and doesn't have a good job history but he has been working for an agency who have been finding him work around 3/4 days a week so its something and he is actively trying and doing any job they ask him to. My AIBU is because he's done everything I've asked and maintained it a year but I'm still not happy, I feel like my romantic feelings for him have gone and will never come back i just don't look at him that way anymore but I feel guilty because he's done what i asked and what I told him would help me get those feelings back but it hasn't. I thought maybe it was due to peri menopause why my feelings for sex and intimacy with him have gone but deep down I think it's because I'm no longer attracted to him. I want more from a romantic relationship than being like roommates. I can't bring myself to end it because he's changed and it would all have been for nothing from hes point of view.
There's so much more I need to add but I will let you digest this first before I add more to the story as it's so long.
I just don't don't feel like I've been living or been happy for the past 10 years, even this past year when he's been the perfect dp I've been unhappy with everything and basically I'm trying to figure out is the problem me (peri menopause causing me to feel like I don't love him because of hormones) or if the problem him (how he's been over the years won't suddenly be forgotten because now he's decided to get his shit together after 18 years which inc 10 years of me nagging and that's what's caused my feelings to fade).

Look at it this way, if you leave you’ll be unhappy for a short while but it sounds like if you stay, you’ll be unhappy forever.

Could you try relationship counseling to understand if there's anything worth saving and to unpick your feelings?

Although it sounds in your gut that you know it's over with no chance of changing.

You have checked out. You haven’t really said anything positive about him going forward.

I think you have made your mind up and a change is needed without him.

you’re clearly finding it impossible to identify any redeeming features in him beyond (only now) doing the bare minimum. For too long he has been a passenger and honestly I think for women it’s really hard to fancy someone who doesn’t bring something more significant to the table. I saw it happen in my sister’s marriage. But waiting 8/9 yrs until you force a change and having that long period of not fancying him … how awful. I don’t know how you revive that spark

Something about your post makes me think that's going to be a drip feed about someone else on the scene.

So my question, is, if that's the case were you feeling exactly the same about your partner before they came on the scene, or is heightened because your head has been turned?

The reason I ask is, in my experience, the majority of people who leave because they think they have a better option end up regretting it (and often go back to, or attempt to go back to, their ex). The people that leave without someone else on the scene don't go back.

I might be wrong. In which case my answer is leave. I did. He was unhappy for quite a long time but eventually (years rather than months) acknowledged it was the right thing for him too.

People change, he may have been the perfect partner when you first met, but it doesn't sound like he makes you happy now (or has done for a long time). It's ok to want to try something different and normal to be scared of the unknown.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone who was physically capable of working but found excuses not to and was relying on me for financial support. Unless you live very remotely, I'm sure he can find work where he doesn't need to drive. Plenty of people commute to work on public transport and manage to work fulltime. It sounds like he just doesn't want to work and he's been using the not being able to drive excuse for so long that now noone wants to hire him when they see he's not worked for years.

I don’t think you should feel guilty about the fact he’s made the changes you asked of him as those changes have an inherent benefit to him whether or not he is in a relationship with you. He’s now not a drunk, not risking his health, not spending money on alcohol and starting to improve his work situation. Those improvements in his lifestyle are not wasted even if you say that they were ultimately too late to save the marriage. Lots of people would have ended the marriage a long time ago due to his behaviour so you gave it a good shot. Don’t feel guilty.

Don’t waste any more of your life being unhappy. You only get one!

Good point by SALaw. It's not like you said you would fancy him if he tattooed his face and he did it and then you said "No, still don't fancy you". These changes benefit him even if the relationship ends now.

That sounds really tough. Maybe it would help you to think of it as you are supporting him to build up his credit score and CV so when you do split up he can make his own way.
I couldn't imagine getting a spark back @xfeelinemptyx
Perhaps you could have a timeline in your head, say, one more birthday, one more Christmas and then let him go.

Can you suggest he starts a saving a robust amount now he's working?
Maybe he could get a mortgage with his eldest dc in a year?

He doesn't sound very grown up. Of course he doesn't want to have a job, pay bills and adult himself. It was only your ultimatum that forced him. Too little too late.

His conscience didn't bother him for 10 years so match that energy. Having a clock ticking down in your head might make the day to day easier. '40 weeks to go, 38 weeks to go...'
Is it cruel to let him have false hope? Possibly. It was cruel of him to give you false hope that this was going to be a relationship, a partnership. A thousand cuts later and now you can't unsee what you have seen.

I suppose it boils down to either telling him now he is leaving and having a big scene and living with it all while he saves a leaving fund, or let him build up savings, CV and credit score and then telling him he is leaving.
Tough love, cruel to be kind and all that.
I hope it all works out for you x

You've checked out.

Do you actually want to check back in?

Would you prefer an improved relationship with him if that's even possible,

Or

There's two much damage done and you know it's not salvagable no matter what.

If it's the former, couple's counselling, start dating again, investing time and effort into each other and reslly wotk to re-establish the connection. Use the counselling as a way to be very clear with how you feel and what you need to continue.

If it's the latter, calm time on it now, rather than staying out of guilt.

Being sober & unemployed is the bare minimium expected of any adult. It doesn't entitle him to a relationship.

Thanks everyone for the replies, so we've been together for 20 years, I have never cheated and never would cheat. I have been feeling this way for the last 10 years. I go through stages where I put up with my lack of feelings and think 'oh well this if life and how a long term relationship is at our age' but then the i go through the stage where i think 'no this isnt how it has to be and i can have more from life and a relationship'.
whats kicked off this current crossroads is there's a guy ( il refer to him as 'guy') who lve know for 25 years through a friend of a friend, over the last 25 years weve proberbly seen each other less than 10 times. Met him at 15 and there was this instant spark and chemistry between us. He would say to the friend group that he thought I was the most beautiful girl (i am not) hes met and wished I would date him and I always laughed it off to others and didn't entertain it as either he was in a relationship or I was. I never spoke to anyone or him that I also fancied him and felt this connection. Years would pass and I would randomly think of him but got on with life. Over the years we would see each other at friends parties every few years or so and gradually less and less as we got older and less parties. Again there would be these looks from him and he would say to me though that I haven't changed over the years and he thinks I'm beautiful, not in a coming onto me way, more in a passing conversation being nice. I would say thanks but deep down I wished I was single so we could get together but this was internalised i never spoke it. Fast forward to now and i saw him a a party again, its been about 8 years since I last saw him (also no social media interaction neither of us are on it so no communication at all or no way to know how his or my life is going etc married kids etc as i wouldnt ask friends as they would wonder why i wanted to know) so seen him the other week at this party and agin we saw each other and there was this spark, i know he felt it too by how he looked at me. (Also my dp has never come to these parties because 1 he never wanted to come even when he was a drinker and 2 because I would have to warn him to control how much he drank because he wouldn't know when to stop and make a show of himself so he would say oh what's the point of going if your going to limit how much I can drink, I did this because when he drank too much he would start fights with random men for no reason and then fall around and be sick etc so that's why I told him to come but only have 4 drinks but he would rather not come atall if there was a limit)
Anyway guy spoke to friend before me and he said to our mutual friend that he can't believe how i looks the exact same from 20 years ago, ive not aged and am still the most beautiful woman hes seen, friend told me this laughing saying hes still got a soft spot for you after all these years. Eventually after about an hour he came over to say hi and said to me the same that ive not changed and haven't aged at all (I have) etc. We were speaking about our lives, I told him I have 2 kids and still with dp of 20 years and he was saying he has a ds but has been in and out of relationships and is currently single. Few hours later he came to talk to me again, could hardly hear as music was so loud but we got on the topic of us and ive got low self esteem always have and weight issues up and down over the years and he said that he's always thought i was beautiful at all the weights ive been and that he's always had a thing for me but I've always been in a relationship and that he knows I've never felt the same back (because I never said anything back other thanks over the years) but that I shouldn't have low self esteem as I could be a model (absolutely coulsnt be) i actually told him that I've always had a thing for him too and felt that he was the one who got away and he looked at me shocked as if to say 'i cant believe you liked me back all these years'. I felt bad on dp even saying this out loud but I needed to. He asked me was I happy in my relationship and I said yes (ont know why i saud yes as im not but this has nothing to do with guy) but I said yes but I always wonder about if we ever got together but that I would never cheat and i laughingly said il probably see you in another 10 years and 10 after that and so on until were both about 80 we'll both be single and finally get together. He said something along the lines of your worth getting a black eye for. (Again I would never cheat). He then said il leave you to your friends as it might look odd howlong we were spending talking. When I was going home I gave him a quick hug, as I did to everyone, I said bye and said il probably see you in 10 years. That was that but this as been taking over my mind for the last week. The feeling I got when he looked at me awoke something in me that I haven't felt for 10 years. I thought i was past sex and intimacy as I haven't felt that way with my dp and I blamed my hormones but I think that maybe it's because I don't have those feelings for dp not that i dont want intimacy.
Now another thing about me is I'm not a rash person, I will think of every scenario before I make a decision, it takes me 2 to 3 working days to decide which brand of baked beans to buy lol. I am still not 100% sure if my lack of feelings towards dp is down to hormones or how he has been over the years or both but i don't want to throw away a 20 year relationship because I mistaking thought my lack of feelings were down to dp behaviour and then I possibly get with guy or someone else thinking the grass will be greener but it actually isn't, or I stay with dp because of the fear of the grass not being greener and end up feeling this miserable for ever.
I was madly in love with dp when we met and I fancied the pants off him but over the years, I grown up and he stayed the same boy, not adapting and changing with age and that made me look at him differently. What if those feelings I get with guy are the same but then dwindle if we were to get together when it turns out he's also not as perfect as I think he is. I'm very much a sexual person as in quality not quantity, I would rather have best sex once a year than mediocre sex once a week. My dp is very much the opposite, quantity, short, no intimacy, not passionate (but again I'm glad of this with him as I can't be passionate with him as I don't have those feelings anymore) but I want to be able to have those feelings and experience passion again (I'm only in my early 40s).
I don't even know what I'm asking.... I suppose do you think i could get those feelings back for dp or do you think they're long gone?. Do you think these feelings for guy are contributing towards lack of feelings towards dp? Has anyone been in this situation and either stayed with dp or left and got with the one that got away or even got with someone new that you developed this spark with, what was the outcome? I'm so lost i don't want to ruin my life and end up unhappier to pursue a feeling that might not last but I dont want to exist in this miserable state until i die if I could be happier. Again I want to add my current dp is a lovely man (now he doesn't drink) and looks after me and kids and does everything around the house but all financial responsibility has been down to me, but he is a caring partner