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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to share my broody feelings with dh and for him to understand slightly???!!

62 replies

HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 09:49

Ok, we have3 children. Our youngest turns 2 next week and I have been broody for some time now, however recently it is an overwhelming feeling and never felt like this before.

Hubby had a dr's appt. last week to go on the waiting list for the 'snip'!

So, I decided that I better share my feelings and let him know that I really would like to try for number 4 before he has his little op.

Well, he has turned into a grumpy, non communicative, moaner who has gone completely off doing you know what, whereas usually he wants it morning, noon and night.

So, what to do. Basically, he would prefer not to try for number 4 whereas I sooooo want another its unbelievable.

The atmosphere in the house since it was mentioned is very awkward and hubby isn't the best as sitting down with anyone and talking.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 14:58

Thanks cazcaz,

Am going to try and persuade him that staying in is a good idea and will even sit through the football with him if it means we get to talk and spend some time together.

Wil try and update later, if possible!

x

OP posts:
cazcaz · 18/06/2008 15:11

Blimey, thats impressive - offering to sit through the football!

Good luck and I hope you get the result you want. Hopefully you won't be able to update us tonight as you will be busy!!!

snowleopard · 18/06/2008 15:18

Tell him, tell him, tell him - not just once, but repeatedly. I felt that I wanted another child (have only one so far) and DP didn't, but the fact that he didn't, and that he was similarly gruff about it, didn't mean my feelings went away. Just because there's tension between you on it doesn't mean you're not allowed to mention it. I decided I would keep mentioning it (calmly and straightforwardly) whenever it was really bothering me and keep telling DP it still mattered to me. We have talked about it a lot and he has come round to the idea of TTC. He sees that it's not his ideal, but why should what he wants carry more weight than what I want? At least this way, I might get pg, i might not - so we both get a crack at getting our preferred outcome.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 15:38

snowleopard. I don't want to force it in his face so much when he doesn't feel the same way but feel we should sit down and talk calmly through it all. As I don't feel he understands fully what it means to feel the way I do at the moment.

I figure we have a maximum of a year before his op and if it doesn't happen before then, then so be it.

Ho hum, willsee what happens later when he is home.

Cazcaz, football I know, eeeek!!

OP posts:
AllFallDown · 18/06/2008 16:14

Man here ...

Men don't understand the broodiness, true. But women don't understand that we reach the point where we've had enough children, and want to stop - you always assume we just can't be bothered, or are too unemotional to understand your needs. No, we understand - we've just got enough kids already, thanks. There's an assumption, always, that since it's women who carry the child, then they are the ones whose will must be respected, and plenty of men give in on those grounds and have children that they didn't really want. It often works out fine in the end, but equally it can create a whole load of problems in your relationship that you don't really want. Nearly caused me and DW to divorce until we got past it.

cazcaz · 18/06/2008 16:49

AllFallDown, I can see your point, and this is another issue that proves how different men and women are.

I don't however think that I assume that it's my will that must be respected, but on this issue men do hold all the cards (or sperm!)so of course a woman will try hard to get her point of view across. It's one of the few things neither sex can do alone!

You are right though that it can cause problems in a relationship, it's just finding a way round it that both parties are happy with that is so hard.

snowleopard · 18/06/2008 16:53

I don't think either party in this situation should take precedence or have more "rights". But I do think it's unfair that the partner who is reluctant - whether male or female - has an immediate advantage because what they want is the status quo. They don't have to do anything to get what they want, just keep things as they are. The person who wants a baby has feelings too and shouldn't have to pack them all away as if it's a done deal. If my DP had been adamant, no more kids, I'd still be raising it, not to try to force him, but because it's my feelings and I want to discuss that with him and if I bottled it up it would come out as resentment.

BagelBird · 18/06/2008 18:19

Ah I see
Good Luck tonight HappyNYFeet- will be thinking of you!

Twelvelegs · 18/06/2008 19:03

I'm sure for women it's more than wanting children, it's a need not a desire, an urge as opposed to a whim and I think we are programmed to want more.....'tis the survival of the human race that drives us surely?????

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 20:32

Hi Guys,

Well we spoke.

and he does't want anymore, which I knew. However, he had no real reason not to want more.

I wanted him to know how I wasfeeling so I told him. His response was.......

'Oh you'll get over it won't you''!!!!

Well, no I won't. I didn't feel like this with any of the other 3, well not as bad anyway.

So, he has gone out and I am left here still going through everything in my mind and it is REALLY doing my head in now.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 18/06/2008 20:53

Happy, poor you, can you have a glass of wine and relax?

I still think just because he says he's not keen, doesn't mean the conversation's over. These are your feelings, they won't just go away overnight, you won't just "get over it", any more than he will just get over his feelings. You could point that out to him.

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 21:03

If only there was some alcohol or chocolate in the house!! Severe shortage of either and am in dire need!

Hopefully he will be back soon and we can continue our chat. He is never very good at talking through things anyway.

OP posts:
cazcaz · 18/06/2008 21:07

Happy, how very sad for you.

I hope you are okay and I truly do understand how you must be feeling right now.

If only there was a pill to make the broody hormones behave!!

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 18/06/2008 21:13

Hi cazcaz,

Thanks for your support. It truly is a horrible feeling, made worse by all these new babies I keep seeing.

Where do we go from here though? This truly is a decision that neither of us likes whichever way it goes and I can't see me feeling any different anytime soon, or him either. We will be forever living in a state of moodiness with each other.

OP posts:
pointydog · 18/06/2008 21:24

why do so many women do this?

If you have three children already, as previously agreed, it seems perfectly understandable to want to call it a day since the only reason for going ahead with all that emotional and phusical upheaval is hormones.

I mean, what will your good arguments be other than an irrational desire to have one more

youcannotbeserious · 18/06/2008 22:42

I have a grudging respect for what POintydog says...

When DH and I ever talked about babies, he was adamant he didn't want more... so the fact he's relented at all (we have a DS now) is a shift of 100%...

I would love another, but suppose I do feel it would be taking it too far as he's already compromised...

Twelvelegs · 19/06/2008 10:08

Perhaps you can start enjoying the things you can do without being pg or bf, like night out having a couple glasses of something etc etc, maybe then you'll not want to give things up. I feel really sorry for you though, it's so hard to understand for men.

BagelBird · 19/06/2008 10:16

Aaaw Happy! I am really sorry to hear your chat didn?t turn into the open supportive heart to heart, let?s come to a decision we can both live with type thing.
Although in the "cold morning light" I can see that it was a push to expect such a fantastic resolution so quickly. I have no advice and have no idea where you both go from here. As far as I can see, wanting a child has little to do with rationality or good arguments - infact, to suggest that a desire for another child is irrational is almost disingenuous as it is neatly sidestepping the issue. It is not about whether you are right to have this burning desire, it is about the fact that right now that is how you are feeling. Not as if you can sit down and discuss with a list of pros and cons and then decide "ok, my cons are greater so I am going to switch off all my hormones and inner driving desires now as I can see that the list is telling me the decision against has won the day" and for you to start smiling happy in the knowledge that it is all resolved. Instead, regardless of your joint final decision, I think what you both can hope for most is for each other to accept and respect how you both feel. It is the lack of acknowledgement and empathy that makes these situations even tougher.
Rather than seeing it as you both wanting different things and cannot possibly even begin to imagine their perspective, I wonder if you opened a conversation with " I totally understand and can appreciate why you feel as strongly as you do. Could we talk about this some more as it is really important to me that you can at least understand why I feel as strongly as I do so that we can move forward on this together?" Or something like that! Perhaps if you went into a convo with an empathetic approach rather than a confrontational one might stop any defensive shutting off and help open up the communication?
Sorry if that all sounds a bit naive or just stupid. I know it is badly expressed just trying to offer a little support and another approach to possible discussion

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/06/2008 18:07

OJust a quick update!

We have decided to try for baby number 4.

Both hubby and I are happy with our decision.

OP posts:
greenelizabeth · 28/06/2008 18:13

I sympathise with your DH a bit. You already have three children. I only have two and I'm tripping up over children. They are everywhere. "I want" "I need" "now now now" "MUMEEEEE" "It's mine" I must be terrible at this being a mother job.

I suppose you are doing the bulk of the childcare and the donkey work though!!

amateurmum · 28/06/2008 18:33

HNYF, I have just found this thread and am so happy for you.
But I am in exactly the same situation and don't know how to move forward.
What tipped the balance for your DH to agree to another baby?

lou031205 · 28/06/2008 18:37

Congratulations! Do tell....

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/06/2008 19:18

Hi Guys,

Well, I pointed out that we are still young (29 and 30) and our youngest is only 2 so its not as if we are having number 4 when the other 3 are all grown up. We still have all baby equipment and enough room in the house so new huge upheaval or money spent for when baby arrives and we will be still be able to do everything we already do.

He just needed it pointing out to him and to tell him to not worry as it will be fine! I think he thought with 4 he will be bound to the house apart from going to work and will have to give up all of his activities that he does etc.... He is just a born worrier!

OP posts:
cazcaz · 28/06/2008 20:23

Hi Happy,

have fun baby making!!!

Am very pleased you managed to resolve the issue!

Original poster
HappyNewYearFeet06 · 28/06/2008 20:52

Thanks cazcaz.

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