AIBU to have got so angry

[ilostmypatience]

I just lost my patience. Feel awful, this seems to be happening more and more lately.

My two year old had a huge tantrum because his sister left - she has a sports club. Toddler crying. I do get that it’s upsetting but when I’m trying to do the ‘right’ thing and console them and understand you want to go too blah blah toddler just gets more enraged and hits me so I went in the house (the toddler was outside by the gate) and was confronted by the huge mess both children left in their wake and I was stomping around and sweating and shouting oh for fucks sake as I was irritated by the whole thing. I didn’t even realise toddler had come in.

This age is so very hard and I feel I’m doing such a bad job all the time.

I don't think it's great that you are swearing and stomping in front of the toddler. It's just a bit of mess - get them to tidy up once older sister is home.

Op you are human, tiredness, relentless etc , don’t be hard on yourself, sounds like you needed a cuppa and break for ten minutes that’s all. Every parent has been there ( even the ones who say they wouldn’t react in the moment)

Everyone has moments like this, even the haughty mums on here who post as though they've never done such a thing in their life.
You're normal.

I don't think you did anything wrong - you walked away. The fact that he came in and saw you stomping isn't really a big deal tbh. It would have been much worse if you'd stayed by the gate and taken out your anger on him.

That said, whatever you're doing at the moment isn't working for you so you need to take a bit of time and find a way not to let these things escalate so much. The mess is annoying but why is it sending you over the edge?

I think every parent has moments like these. I know I do and I always feel awful afterwards. My sons are 5 & 8 and sometimes it feels relentless and it gets hard to keep it all reined in. So all you can do is regulate yourself, then apologise for shouting and losing your temper and then I've found as they've gotten older it's helpful to explain how I got to that point I.e. a cup spilling over/ working every day and then having to clear up/cook, have them nag me or whinge all afternoon. Like I'll always own up to the fact that shouting isnt ever acceptable but that sometimes, mum cant completely control it but thats why I know to apologise and try to do better next time. My parents always shouted and never apologised so I feel like as long as I'm doing that, I'm doing a better job and that's all we can aim to do!
No one gets it right all of the time but the best thing we can do is model how to repair.

The mess sends people over the edge because they are TIRED of cleaning up, putting away, making right. It is time consuming and boring and it eats away at your free time...that which might be spent finding a way not to 'let' these things escalate.
The issue is, it never fucking ends.
Surprised to have to explain this to anyone.

I've been there, believe me. But the mess is inevitable so it is worth trying to figure out a way to deal with it, or to let it go somehow. I know that seems impossible when you're totally in the thick of it but it is worth it, because feeling that rage is so awful, especially when you think you've scared your child.

The question about the mess was a genuine question btw - not 'why on earth would you let the mess send you over the edge?' but 'what is going on right now that makes dealing with the mess so difficult?' - does she have a partner, are they pulling their weight, is she getting enough sleep etc. Other factors contribute to overwhelm and if you can deal with them it really does help.

You can't reason a small child out of a tantram by validating their feelings. It's a total waste of breath that just leaves you feeling like you've failed when it has no effect at all. A far better bet is distraction. Have something nice up your sleeve to soften the trigger moments. A little activity they particularly enjoy but cant always do or a small treat.

I agree. I always viewed toddler tantrums as being almost like a seizure - they're just in it and you can keep them safe and help them out of it but you can't really fix it. You can prevent it with some planning but sometimes they'll just happen and you can't take them personally or put too much value on the feelings - the toddler is heated to 100 and you just have to let them cool down safely. Eventually they stop having them.

Very true.
I dont have kids but I can say even i have lost my shit at some point.

What struck me is that you say you are trying to do the 'right' thing by comforting, but if it's not working, then it's not the right thing.

I totally understand the frustration because it feels so natural to offer comfort, but one of mine needs to be left alone in the moment and allowed to get his emotions out before he's ready to be comforted.

And actually, I realised I was trying to comfort with cuddles and understanding for my benefit, because it was how I felt I should be able to help him.

Once I listened to him and allowed him to get his anger/disappointment/frustration out in a way that worked for him, I wasn't piling on the pressure by expecting cuddles etc and provoking even more anger in the moment.

As he got older, we talked about punching pillows or shouting into a cushion to vent anger and frustration and that worked really well to help him self regulate as he developed the capacity.

Agree with this - I interpreted the question in this way. What else is happening that is feeding the irritation around the mess to the extent that it led to an outburst?

Examples:

Getting to sports club? Are you over scheduled - timings too tight - had to leave in a hurry?

HALT - are any of you hungry or tired? Including both YOU and the toddler? What can be done about this?

Distraction - excellent technique and you just have to throw whatever you have got at it - a treat, there or later once home, some fruit, a promise of something fun on arrival home?

Mess - do you have enough storage so things can be easily tidied? Do they know to pick up after themselves? Is the mess piling up? Could you think about how it have a big blitz if that is needed?

All these things written down may sound quite patronising but I am a big fan of looking at the bigger picture, as well as what I could have done in that specific moment - a moment which is now gone.

Be kind to yourself. Hope the day improves.

Be kind to yourself. It's a difficult age, especially with older siblings in the mix.

One thing I would suggest is that you acknowledge his feelings in situations like this, but don't encourage them. I wouldn't really have consoled my DC in that situation, just acknowledged the upset (validation that they feel the way they do) and distracted them, moving them on to something else. ("I know it's sad she's gone, but she'll be back, do you want to show me what [favourite toy] is doing today?" type of thing). If you haven't tried this sort of thing, it's worth ago. Not always immediately succesfull, but tends to better outcomes than treating every sobbing toddler crisis as though it should be a sobbing toddler crisis.

Thanks. I thought I’d be flamed to be honest.

I find when toddler is in that sort of mood absolutely nothing works; my voice gets them enraged and sometimes the only thing that does seem to work is getting a bit annoyed as if it snaps them out of it. But that’s ’wrong’ apparently!

The mess is an issue … older child is a hurricane and makes an enormous mess in no time at all. I have tried various ways to try to manage it and all of them make more work for me 😂

If toddler is getting frustrated when the older child leaves, is there a lot of build-up to her leaving? Kisses and cuddles goodbye, wave etc that you could cut out to a quick bye bye sister, let's go see what's happening somewhere else in the house.

It sounds like you are wiped out. Dump everything in a big basket/box to clear the floor when it feels too much and it can be dealt with later.

go on SM.

look at all the serene mums posting perfect houses.

Know that they all done the same thing before posting 🤣

You’re human. You know it wasn’t the best reaction but we can’t always control our emotions and you sound overwhelmed.

Take a deep breath, create a chores chart and later on have a family meeting about its implementation.

Would it help to have some strategies, so you don't have to think/worry about it so much?

Eg., if you do get cross, and the toddler sees, can you get into the habit of saying 'whew, mummy lost her temper! Sorry about that' and when the toddler has a tantrum you can also (when it's over!) say 'mummy gets cross too sometimes, it's ok'. And then, even if he's not really old enough to understand yet, he will gradually get the message that 1) it's actually ok to be angry (which it is) and 2) anger is something that goes away.

Or taking a breath and saying 'do you know what, I feel awful, I need a slice of cake and you do too' or 'this has been a rotten morning, I think you and I both need to curl up in bed with cartoons for half an hour'. It sounds trivial but when DD was little I found it really helped to make it not feel like 'me against the child' but 'us against the world' and I think it does help them feel better too. And you probably do need that slice of cake!

I would be beating myself up for the swearing too; I get it, but deep breath, it's done. You didn't realise he was hearing it.

I definitely think your instinct to go somewhere the toddler couldn't see you to let off steam was the right thing.

The thing is @SarahAndQuack as soon as I’m nice the toddler just goes nuts again. I’m fucking failing so badly in every respect.

You're not failing, lovely. You're parenting a toddler. It's a marathon.

I'm not so much saying 'oh be nice,' but more trying to think about ways around it that let you feel more in control.

But I don't think it is inherently bad to go away from a toddler and let off steam (which is what you intended to do).

Thanks. I guess that’s the problem, I stay calm and the tantrum goes on for hours. I get annoyed and the tantrum is over. But I have to be properly fed up. Like at my limit and then it seems to snap out of it but obviously that isn’t ideal over and over. I just don’t know what the hell to do.

I think you're doing a lot of the right things TBH. Obviously it wasn't what you expected for the toddler to see you swearing and shouting, but it was a mistake. You intended to have taken yourself out of the situation.

I think sometimes toddlers actually don't know how to get out of tantrums themselves, so they get into patterns with us, and he might have got into the pattern of sort of waiting for you to snap because that's become the signal for 'I can stop now'?

If it is that, is there anything else you'd consider, short term, just to break the pattern? I think @DysmalRadius is right that sometimes we try things we think of as 'comforting' and they simply can't process it. Sometimes with DD I'd just tell her what I was going to get on with and do it - something like putting the washing on the line or whatever - so she could see I was occupied with something else and I didn't feel as if I was still 'in it' with her?

I just don’t know. When I read books or advice on social media it all focuses on validating the feeling and showing empathy. And I genuinely did get it this morning; it sucks to see your sibling go off to do something when you want to be with them but the toddler isn’t old enough, so I’m saying ‘I know, I know it’s hard, you want to go too don’t you?’ And I’m just getting blind rage and punching me and scratching … it’s a tough age and not one I’m very good at handling. I was shit when older one was this age too

You're allowed to have feelings doing this 3 times a day would be wrong very occasionally is fine.

I really don't think you are shit!

How's the older one now? Unless she's still tantruming like a toddler, chances are you did a good job.

I think so much of the toddler stage is hard because you don't actually get the feedback that you've done it right for (genuinely) years. You just have to keep the faith that you are doing the right things, and eventually they will acquire the ability to come out of it all.