AIBU to have got so angry

[ilostmypatience]

I just lost my patience. Feel awful, this seems to be happening more and more lately.

My two year old had a huge tantrum because his sister left - she has a sports club. Toddler crying. I do get that it’s upsetting but when I’m trying to do the ‘right’ thing and console them and understand you want to go too blah blah toddler just gets more enraged and hits me so I went in the house (the toddler was outside by the gate) and was confronted by the huge mess both children left in their wake and I was stomping around and sweating and shouting oh for fucks sake as I was irritated by the whole thing. I didn’t even realise toddler had come in.

This age is so very hard and I feel I’m doing such a bad job all the time.

Cut yourself some slack.

You have stumbled on a way to stop him tantrumming - "I get annoyed and the tantrum is over". As for "When I read books or advice on social media it all focuses on validating the feeling and showing empathy" - well that doesn't work for your son, so ignore that advice it's irrelevant to him. Every child is an individual, go with what works for him.

If your escalated feelings snap him out of it, have you ever tried tantrumming along with him? Join in - instead of calmly agreeing that it's not fair, stamp your foot and wail a bit, but with him, on his side, instead of at him.

My youngest loves feeling supported like this amd it can head off a tantrum befoew it starts if I get in there first.

My older ones actually still respond to this, in their teens and tweens, although now it's more of an in-joke that snaps them out of a negative mindset.

Maybe he wants to see his big emotions reflected rather than smoothed away, but doing it as a team is much nicer and then you can steer him round to agreeing how to make yourselves feel better.

You're countering a toddler tantrum by throwing a similar tantrum.

I think the validating feelings thing works well with older three year olds but 2 is too young for it. Agree distraction and being a calm reassuring presence is the way.

Also you didn’t realise your toddler has even come in. YANBU

Dd almost seemed to need to tantrum at that age to get her feelings out. I could delay it by cajoling but it always came at some point. I found the best thing was to pop her safely in a travel cot or carpeted room once she was old enough to escape and just wait it out with her in silence. I'm sure I'd have stomped on occasion though! Sometimes your bucket is full too

Honestly, give yourself a break. You weren't shouting at your toddler, you accidentally swore in their vicinity. If anything, use it as an opportunity to talk about how even grown ups struggle with big feelings sometimes and practice some emotional regulation techniques together.

In terms of tantrums, it's not a choice between hugging them and making it better or shouting. Tell them you can see they are sad/angry and offer a hug. If they don't want one, say "OK, mummy's here if you change your mind" and let them get on with it (as long as they are safe and not hurting anyone). I know it's tough because our instinct is to 'fix' things for our kids in the moment, but sometimes they need to process their feelings (loudly!). Then you can have a hug and talk it through later.