To ask ExDH not to let his partners son call him Dad?

[Christmasmum3]

We've been separated for 3 years, children are now 5 and 8. They stay with me for 4 nights and him for 3 every week so plenty of contact with both of us.

ExH got into relationship just over a year ago with a woman who was widowed with one DS5. They progressed the relationship very quickly and a few months ago bought a new family home altogether. The children found this quite difficult but were starting to get used to the new dynamic however both came home today in tears because the other child has been calling ExH Dad which is confusing and upsetting for them, he has also been telling them it's his house not theirs as he is there all the time and similar nonsense, they also feel like the new partner takes their sons side all the time.

The kids are torn between feeling like they want to be at his house more almost in a possessive marking their territory way and being at home where they are happy, feel secure and everything is a bit simpler.

If this was much further down the line eg they were 5 years plus into relationship, married new children together etc I may find it more understandable and I really do empathise with the little boy who is just looking for a father figure but I can't stand to see my kids so upset and worry about the long term damage to their wellbeing.

Should I contact him about it?

For context the relationship was abusive with extreme coercive control and bullying after the split so we have limited contact but do text about appointments, children arrangements etc.

I don’t think you can stop a child doing that, it must also be pretty confusing for them and they are looking for a replacement dad. Just try and reassure your sons.

No you shouldn't contact him about it. It won't change anything.

All you can do is support your dc as best you can. Speak to the school as well, I know my kids school has extra support available for kids who are going through problems at home.

As hard as it is, when your kids live in 2 separate homes, you can only control what's going on in yours. I know it's tough, I've been through similar, with a similar type of man, so I do sympathise 💐

Is he abusive/controlling towards the children? If so, say nothing. If not, then I think it's worth telling him what you've told us and that his children need reassurance.

I don't think it would be right to ask the little boy not to call him dad. A sensible conversation with yours about blended families may help. However I would be speaking to EX about the other things wee boy is says like it's his house etc. approach it from the point you want kids to enjoy time at his house and feel safe and wanted.

I'd just talk to your kids about it and tackle it from that end. Help them to rationalise it as much as possible. It doesn't sound like your ex would be particularly responsive to what you say anyway.

It’s understandable that your kids are upset but your job is to support them, not to tell another child, who has lost their own dad, that he can’t call the father figure now in his life, dad. Maybe he is literal that it’s his house because that’s how he makes sense of things, or maybe he’s being unkind on purpose. Either way, you are talking about a young child who has lost his own father and empathy is key whilst you support your DC to deal with their own difficulties. Sounds like the three kids need to spend nice time together being treated as siblings and equals so they can start to build a nice relationship.

If the child had a Dad I would say that you are not being unreasonable, however the child does not have a Dad, his Dad died. He is 5 - I would imagine that most of his friends have a Dad and he wants the same. If his DM is happy for him to call someone else Dad and your ex is happy with it I wouldn’t say anything.

Perhaps you could explain to your DC that this little boys Dad has died and that he would like someone to call Dad. Perhaps you could ask them if it would be okay if they could share their Dad with him as it would make him very happy…

The young boy is five, it sounds like your ex has been in his life at least a year if they've already bought a home together a few months ago so I'm assuming he met him early on. That's a very long time in a 5 year olds life. It does sound like it's moving far too fast but there's nothing you can do about it.

I feel for all children involved but all you can do is reassure your children and control what happens when they're with you.

Focus on supporting your children. If you need to do anything to your ex just share info about what they’ve said. But there’s a reason they’ve told you and not him. So maybe just empathize don’t rush in to fix it!

You can't control what his girlfriend's son calls him. You can't control what her kid says to your kids.

Let your ex know your kids are having issues that gf's kid is saying things that are bothering them and they're feeling insecure about their dad right now.

There's going to be jealousy. They see their dad 3 days a week where the gf's kid lives with him full time. Ex has work to do with your kids to make sure this doesn't become a very hurtful issue for your kids and they don't feel replaced or pushed out. It might be time for some therapy because this could leave some deep wounds for your kids.

The 5 year old is telling them it's his house? That doesn't sound like something a 5 year old would think up?

I'd drop your ex a message but keep it light given your past issues

Hi X I'm sure your aware but incase the kids are hiding it when they are with you they are finding it a bit hard to adjust to the new blended family. If you could reassure them how much you love them and that it's their home too I'm sure they'll feel much happier.

If you know what the bedroom situation is you could suggest decorating it if they haven't already in a theme of the kids choice.

Stay out of it

No, don’t talk to your ex about this.

Talk to your children, explain that their daddy is doing an amazing thing by welcoming a child into his life and being a dad to him when his own has died. Talk about how they are part of this new family and empathise that it is strange and will take time to get used to.

I would let him know that his children are upset and why. He needs to speak to them very gently about this. He should have spoken to them before they had to hear the other child calling him so he’s been really irresponsible and thoughtless here. The other child’s mum and your ex needs to speak to her son about the comments about the house as that needs nipping in the bud.

From your side, all you can do is reassure your children that he will always be their dad, that he isn’t the other child’s real dad but he may call their dad that.

He sounds shit but that’s all you can do.

It sounds exactly what a 5 year old would think up

The problem will fade. If your dc are unhappy being there, they will gradually stop gping.

I'd encourage them to talk to their dad directly when things about his household upset him. He can then explain the circumstances and reassure them about the things that really aren't harmful (another child calling him dad) AND act promptly on something that might be serious (e.g., if the other child is intentionally taunting them about whose house it is). Then he can also answer any questions they have and follow up on ow things are going. It's pointless for them to go through you if they need something changed.

It's none of your business what your ex-husband's partner's children call him. End of discussion.

I cant believe you need to be told it is none of your business and stop being controlling

It is if it’s upsetting her children. She needs to make him aware that his children are upset so he can talk to them and reassure them.

They're his children too. What goes on when they are under his roof is not open for OP to poke her beak into unless laws are getting broken.

But any decent parent would want to know if their children were unhappy and why. OP can’t and shouldn’t tell her ex what to do, but it’s not poking her beak in to tell him, so that he knows and can reassure his children, which presumably he’d want to do. It’s how responsible parents behave when co parenting. They communicate about things that are making their children upset which they may not be aware of. Wild I know!

Honestly, mumsnet is ridiculous at times. Poking her beak in indeed. 🙄

Her children?

If he's any decent parent then they should be able to talk to him about it without her having to poke her beak in. I know wild when I see it.