To ask ExDH not to let his partners son call him Dad?

[Christmasmum3]

We've been separated for 3 years, children are now 5 and 8. They stay with me for 4 nights and him for 3 every week so plenty of contact with both of us.

ExH got into relationship just over a year ago with a woman who was widowed with one DS5. They progressed the relationship very quickly and a few months ago bought a new family home altogether. The children found this quite difficult but were starting to get used to the new dynamic however both came home today in tears because the other child has been calling ExH Dad which is confusing and upsetting for them, he has also been telling them it's his house not theirs as he is there all the time and similar nonsense, they also feel like the new partner takes their sons side all the time.

The kids are torn between feeling like they want to be at his house more almost in a possessive marking their territory way and being at home where they are happy, feel secure and everything is a bit simpler.

If this was much further down the line eg they were 5 years plus into relationship, married new children together etc I may find it more understandable and I really do empathise with the little boy who is just looking for a father figure but I can't stand to see my kids so upset and worry about the long term damage to their wellbeing.

Should I contact him about it?

For context the relationship was abusive with extreme coercive control and bullying after the split so we have limited contact but do text about appointments, children arrangements etc.

Personally I couldn't bring myself to bring about a situation where a 5 year old boy is told he can't call the man he lives with Dad. Especially when his Dad is dead. Poor little boy, his Dad died then very soon after he is living with another man.

It's an opportunity to teach your kids empathy & kindness. It's understandable that they've been upset by it, but the best thing you can do is help them accept that it doesn't change their Dads love for them.

encourage them to be 3 musketeers, not us v him.

teach them what to say when he says it's his house, not theirs, because they're there less than he is. Something like 'it's all of ours because your mum & our Dad own it together. It doesn't matter how many nights we sleep here it's still our house too..

I wouldn't discuss it with your Ex except to say, the boys are a bit hurt & insecure about x calling you Dad & saying it's his house because he's there all time & they're not. So anything you can say/do to reassure them would be really good.

YABU it’s absolutely nothing to do with you (or your children) whether the child calls him “Dad”, it’s between your ex and his new partner and that child.

Agree the child shouldn’t be saying it’s his house and not theirs, but again, that’s for your ex and the new partner to sort out. You could give your children some words to use when he says it to them. Also - you should be grateful that your children do have two homes, rather than being in a situation like this child who has now only got one due to his father passing away.

The ‘dad’ thing is not your concern. Him telling his kids it’s not their home - that is what I would object to! They should feel like it is their home.

I agree it's mental, and I can see why it upsets your kids and, by extension, you, but it would probably stir up trouble if you attempt any kind of intervention.

Especially as your husband was extremely abusive. Is he actually safe around the kids, this being the case? Must be a horrible situation for you, I am sorry.

I would say something like this to your ex. I was thinking that I’d add something along the lines that you are doing your best to reassure them yourself by explaining that he’s wanting a father figure like all the other kids at school. However, as your ex was abusive and awful to you, I would offer the least amount of information possible.

I think you’re being mean and anyway I doubt a 5 year old cares as much as you say they do. It’s not your concern, either, how they live in their house or manage their relationships.

Thanks everyone, you are all totally right it's not my business what the other child calls him and I can't control what happens in that house. I was just struggling to see my children so upset.

Emotional awareness is not a strong suit of ExH and although I dont know her, I don't get the vibe it is for his new partner either due to way they've navigated some of the big changes with the children. Even If I was to say something it I think it will just lead to conflict so I'm going to stay clear.

I've reassured my children a lot already and explained about the dynamics taking time. I am going to encourage them, (especially ds8) to share their feelings themselves.

For anyone asking about the abuse and whether this is still a risk, it was aggressive behaviour and occasional physical attacks during the latter years of the marriage followed by months of threats, coercive control, withholding financial support etc after we split.

As soon as I threatened with divorce he turned his parenting around, the angry outbursts disappeared overnight and he was a good parent for a sustained period before we split (although like anyone that knows this type, he's heavily reliant on his own mum and new partner for the practical bits). I just have to trust that this is the version of parent that all three of the children get.

I'd tell your DC Daddy is just being kind letting the 5 year old call him Dad because his own Daddy died and how sad that must make him not to have a Daddy of his own.

I would have a word personally. Not about the dad thing but just their general sadness. He should be doing more to make sure they still feel settled with him, they shouldn’t be coming home crying.

I mean, the whole situation with this new woman sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, but it's none of your business. You just need to be there for your children and support them. Frustrating and difficult, I understand, but you don't really get a say.

I'd send EXH a message and tell him the things this boy has been saying to your kids. Your DH needs to step in and tell the boy thats not ok and not right and supervise their exchanges a little more carefully in future. Maybe your kids are also saying to him "well hes not even your Dad, hes our Dad" and its a bit of tit for tat.

Regarding the Dad thing - i dont think you have a right to really ask this? Although I empathise with how confusing and unsettling this is for your own children.

I feel for DC whose parents have died (lost my own dad as a child ) I feel not enough attention to DC like this.The poor little boy is 5, and trying to make sense of his situation.He is getting used to having a father figure ,but has to share him half the week! Of course your boys need to see their dad ,but they also have each other and a home with you too. Maybe have a word with your ex ,but keep it cool.I think you need to be patient and realise that time will heal.they will grow closer and maybe do more outside as well

YABU for trying to get involved with the step child calling him dad. That poor child has lost his father and if he wants to call him dad that’s lovely.

YANBU for wanting to let your ex know that the kids are having a tough time with dynamics and that he needs to be aware of this so he can handle it.

Aren’t they her children?

If I’m taking about my kids, say to someone at work, I don’t tend to say ‘our’.

When I was treading a year two class I had a little boy whose dad had died. I knew about it and I’d had a discussion with the ur at one teacher before the Father’s Day cards rolled around. We made them in small groups and there were of course other children who didn’t see their dads for whatever reason. Anyway, when he got up to the writing part he was quiet for a while and then he said could he do his writing the next day because he was going to ask his mum’s boyfriend if he could call him dad. The next day he came in, wrote ‘To Dad’ at the top and went on with his day. A couple of years later his mum had a baby with the boyfriend, or maybe they got married, I don’t know. But I do know that it seemed to mean a lot to this little boy that he could call this man dad.

Yes, he's not acted in their interests here at all. Moving into a household with a similarly aged, same sex child who gets him all the time. Of course they're bothered.

Of course it's your business OP, in the sense that it effects your kids. Anything that does is your business.

Plus, as a compassionate human being I am sure you are concerned with the idea that this poor little boy, who has lost his own father, is being encouraged to call an abusive man who he has known for only about a year, "dad". (I know you feel as confident as you can he isn't abusive to the kids, but you know for sure he is potentially abusive to women, which is hardly any better....)

I am amazed that some posters on here think this is a good thing. Yes, on some occasions step-children who have lost or are estranged from a biological parent may eventually decide, THEMSELVES, to call a step-parent "mom" or "dad", and THAT can be a lovely thing... But at 5 and having only known your ex a year, the little boy is in no way in a position to choose your ex as a father figure for himself, and his mom should be protecting him from forming so close an attachment to a man it sounds like she really doesn't know very well. (No sane woman thinking clearly would chose a step-father for her kids who has abused other women).

The whole thing is a horrible mess, and I am so sorry for all the women and kids involved. (I can only assume the new partner his herself being manipulated by this man - he has form after all).

I just don't think there is much you can do, given the kind of man your ex is. If my ex had taken the decision to "blend" families in this way (his serious girlfriend has three kids) I would have requested a talk with him and shared my concerns about my daughter, and asked if we could manage the situation together, as respectfully as I could. But our relationship is different - he was a serial cheat but never abusive....

This is pretty much EXACTLY what ExDHs gf children said to mine when in the same position. They found it difficult to go visit their Dad (who had stayed in the family home) once he had a new partner and kids living there who was telling them 'This is our house now, not yours. We live here'.

It's pointless to blame kids for this, they are correct. It's not tactful, but kids this age aren't. They are factual, generally. 'This is our house. We live here, not you'.

I just told mine that their Dad was still their Dad, but yes - that was their home now and we had a new one.

This is absolutely none of your business you have zero control over this situation and you shouldn’t bring it up. If your children are concerned then this is your opportunity to say how this is an important relationship between them but it doesn’t diminish the fact he is your dad too, your family is bigger and that has got to be a good thing!

my partners ex took your stance and spent every opportunity she could derailing relationships between my step children and my children and me. As predicted it has messed the children up, they can’t settle because they feel a division of loyalty. It’s wrecked relationships with everyone. The only person who wins is her.

you have an opportunity to prevent this from escalating to a situation where your children feel insecure and giving your blessing and reassurance is everything here. Don’t be that spiteful ex, because it will not benefit your children in the long run.

It really isn’t your business and if you interfere it will only encourage more isolation

I think it's your job as their mum do advocate for your children. You need to write down in as objective a way as possible what the children have said to you about the situation and then leave it. But you can't tell him what he can and can't do.

Not for you to meddle with child of Ex husband's new partner. Might be hard on your kids but you have to try and help yours through this.

you can’t tell him what to do but I think (if they wouldn’t mind) you can tell him that they feel upset by it

Is your situation exactly the same?

Is your new partner an abusive cunt?

Did you instruct your children to call him dad after a year?

If not - and I fucking well hope for your sake that both of these things aren't true - then your situation is in no way like OP's.