AIBU to go through with this?

[lostconf]

Background: in a relationship for 2m, we will call him M.

M told me very early on that he has trust issues (understandable given his history) and was worried I’d leave.

1 month in he freaked out that we were too serious and he wasn’t ready. I agreed, we slowed it down.

2 months in, I missed my period. I was on the pill but I think it’s been affected by my IBS. Definitely didn’t miss any.

told him I missed my period, he broke up with me and broke down in tears saying he was broken and couldn’t have a rship, suicidal etc. This was 1 march.

after a week of a mixture of not speaking and him saying he was sorry for hurting me and how mentally unwell he was, I found out I’m pregnant. I told him.

he has basically told me He ended it because he couldn’t trust me. I hadn’t told him straight away that my sterilisation had failed, (I told him 3 weeks into the relationship and was on the pill the whole time). His friends thought I was baby trapping him.

we ended up arguing all last week, him saying I’d messed up, that I was now being nasty, that he was broken and scared I’d leave so he hurt me by trying not to get hurt himself, as if he got hurt it would be the end of him. He said he didn’t think we’d have lasted anyway, and the differences between us were too big (the difference being our thoughts on marriage).

he then said he regretted saying anything and wished we were still together, that he wished we could come back from this but we can’t, that he wished he could go back in time or that he’d met me when he was mentally better. Then said he’d support me with the baby.

i felt he’d been very toxic, one minute saying we weren’t right for each other, the next saying he wished he’d met me later when he was better. He’d gone from breaking up with me cos of his mental health to then blaming me.

i now have to decide whether or not to keep the baby. He made it clear he wants to be in the baby’s life. The last message he sent to me was deliberately hurtful and nasty, so I have since told him he will never hear from me again. And we have been no contact for a week. (Although he watches my stories on WhatsApp, which is weird. He deleted me everywhere else)

im now struggling with a mixture of heartbreak, as I genuinely cared for him. It was too intense too soon and that’s why it hurts… but also the fact I’m now pregnant and don’t know what to do. I feel abandoned, as despite his words he hasn’t actually been around. I’m worried he’s looking for someone else, though as he can’t trust anyone it’s likely to be casual.

when I make a decision, which has to be soon, AIBU to not tell him? To just disappear, and leave him to it? He is clearly unwell if he’s been suicidal (though apparently
feels better now it’s sunny) and me
messaginf him may make it worse (he says us talking reminds him of how much he hurt me) but he should have a right to know? He’s probably waiting for me to tell him.

never been in a situation like this before, i was happily married (he died) and it’s my first proper relationship since he passed away.

Think of your existing children FFS.
So their father has died, now you're going to bring in this mentally unstable, "toxic" man who treats you like shit, comes in and out of your lives, and threatens suicide every so often. AND A BABY. Presumably you'll move him into your house? So then your children will have a fabulous role model of what they should look for in a future partner.

Your "last chance for a baby"?
YOU'VE GOT TWO.

Grow up.
Terminate the pregnancy, tell him you miscarried and then never speak to him again.

Do not subject a child on this life it should be what is best for them not you looking for attention

Terminate the pregnancy and terminate the relationship. Dont saddle yourself with this man baby. Hes shown you his true colours. Get out now while you can

You have 2 issues OP. 1. Whether to have a baby and 2. Whether to adopt a boy who is making it clear he can’t be a man much less a Dad. For choice 2, I would absolutely go NC. I wouldn’t put his name on BC, and I would make any choices re 1. Predicated on being a single parent. Only you can decide if you can do that, and if you can’t then a ToP isn’t unreasonable it’s realistic 🤗

Just catching up but wanted to clarify, I was sterilised in 2017 and it failed, I fell pregnant in 2019 and miscarried with my ex (that’s how I found out it failed), so I went on the pill and have been on it ever since. So I told him I’d been sterilised when we discussed having children, I told him I was on the pill, and that was why. But because I didn’t tell him straight away (it was about 2 weeks after we met), apparently I hid it from him. Even though it makes no difference as he said he doesn’t care what contraception I choose, and I was on contraception regardless.

Thanks for the replies all.

sorry if I wasn’t clear, he didn’t threaten suicide to manipulate me. He mentioned he was in a bad place and feeling suicidal a couple of times. Not related to me coming back or not.

my husband passed away a number of years ago, it’s taken me a long time to be ready to move on, so I have found this breakup hard.

i had already decided on termination, but was starting to feel guilty and change my mind. I know it is the right thing to do. I just don’t know if I should say anything at all to him, we’ve been NC for 6 days, I hadn’t intended on reaching out.

I think you are making the right choice with a termination. I would tell him you’re not having the baby for whatever reason and then block him. If you’d decided to keep the baby I would’ve suggested not getting back in contact with him. I think going it alone would be much easier than having any expectations of him or trying (and failing) to coparent. He sounds like an absolute mess and shouldn’t be dating at all

Focus on yourself for now. Taking the next steps in decision, process of termination. They will offer you some counselling.
in terms of what to tell him, and if to be in touch - you don’t have to decide that now. See how it goes, how you feel, if he gets in touch etc. It’s an added pressure and decision that you don’t need to take on at this moment. Kick it down the road.
I agree with pp - if you do terminate and are in touch with him in future it’s probably best to say you miscarried given how volatile he is.
And whatever happens don’t get back with him! You deserve a fun happy calm relationship and you can’t fix him.
Hugs to you OP

You are currently NC, keep it that way. This relationship lasted only two months and it sounds as if he's been mindfucking you from the very start.

"i had already decided on termination, but was starting to feel guilty and change my mind. I know it is the right thing to do. I just don’t know if I should say anything at all to him, we’ve been NC for 6 days, I hadn’t intended on reaching out."
I'm relieved that you're terminating, the alternative is being tied to this man forever - you'd be a shell of yourself in no time. No, don't "say anything to him" - contact with him is really not in your best interests.

Do not contact this man again. Block his number, and try to forget him. It shouldn’t be this dramatic 2 months in.

There was a time when I was engaged to a man like this. Fucking run, it never gets better

It sounds like neither of you are even ready for a relationship, let alone a baby. If neither of you can't form healthy adult relationships do you think you have the capacity to provide the emotional warmth and stability required to form a healthy attachment with a child?

It’s not your last chance for a baby though, you are lucky enough to have two children.

You must know, given your age what to do. Block him, get n with your life.

You don't want the psychodrama of this unkind, unstable man in your life or that of your two children. I agree that you should cease all contact with him ... and if he does confront you somehow, just tell him you miscarried. If he knows you had a termination he'll make a drama out of that.

I'm sorry you lost your husband and this new relationship has been so traumatic. Be kind to yourself. And maybe have some therapy? It can help to talk things through ... and you are worth it.

Yep. This.

He’s dreadful and will fuck your life up even more if you stay with him. He’s a coercive, manipulative shit. I’d have zero to do with him.

And he would be a shit father to a kid… I’d have a termination if I were you.

Please don’t bring a baby into this toxic, immature mess. Be thankful you can make that choice.

It is your choice but this is not a good environment to bring a child into in my opinion. You need to get away from this man.

An absolute shit show.
abortion is the only way, particularly as you’ve 2 other children.

So I told him I’d been sterilised when we discussed having children,

You'd been seeing him less than 8 weeks and were discussing having children?

Imagine handing your precious baby over to someone so unstable...

Still mentioning suicide in your case. Hes emotionally abusive.

I think OP will have the baby and will be back on here in a couple of years bemoaning how her life has fallen apart and she is now having issues with her ex.

I feel sorry for her two children who are about to be dragged into a car crash and the poor child who has a emotionally unstable mentally ill father!

Its the right choice to terminate.
He is deeply unstable.
Keep him the hell away from your children.
They have been through enough.
Your children need calm stability, not a baby and an unstable boyfriend of their mothers.

Stay NC with him.