Mean gym lady made me feel like shit

[TheBlueKoala]

Need help from you women who know how to be bitchy affirm boundaries. I go regularly to a gym and had a little dispute with a woman there my age (40s) and first I need to know if I'm unreasonable. If not then I need help to "tell her off". People pleaser who can only affirm boundaries when it's something to do with my children- for myself I'm completely useless. My two good friends who are very different told me to "tell her to shut the fuck up" and "just go to another room and wait for her to finish". None of those advice appeal to me.

So there are two different places to stretch/do pushups etc. One is fairly small but got a sort of ladder to stretch out your back/legs etc. Normally you always see two People sharing that space. One woman likes to put herself in the middle as to prevent someone else using the space. There is still room but you have to go further to the side which I did. Plenty of room still- she couldn't touch me while stretching all over. So she told me to go to the other room because she was there first. Like a mug I just said sorry and did. I just wanted to do 20 pushups then use the ladder/bar that was there.

I felt so humiliated afterwards that I let her just decide where I should go because she wanted to be on her own. I need something to say that is almost rude but yet dignified and makes her feel eembarrassed for bossing me around. Any advice?

‘Sorry, I missed the sign on the door that this was a private room!’ <tinkly laugh>

I would say your private room but I have absolutely zero people pleasing genes.

Why not just say, 'no thanks there's plenty of room'. If being ballsy doesn't come naturally to you then I would stick to something fairly neutral.

“You need to go to the other room!”

”No - I’m fine here and there is room for both of us.”

A blank stare and a simple 'no'?

"We've all paid to use the facilities dear"

"You concentrate on your workout, I'll concentrate on mine"

No, how about you move over…

“Or maybe you could move over as there’s plenty of room for both of us”

or

”Wow did nobody ever teach you about sharing?”

I find when I'm uncomfortable I take the feelings out of it and bring it back to facts rather than anything subjective. So don't engage in fairness or etiquette. Just say "I want to use the ladder here". And then stop talking and continue about your business. You're polite, succinct, factual. No more information than is necessary, no justification, no people pleasing.

"No, there's room for two".

Is this an enclosed room? Or a section within a large space? If you struggle with justifying your response speak to the staff and clarify its meant for multiple person use so you feel more comfortable pushing back

My favourite with this kind of thing is just to look bemused and say ‘I don’t understand’.

Then it is always enjoyable to watch the person who has been mean / unreasonable have to repeat their mean or unreasonable comment, but with more words. It gives them a chance to reflect on what they’re saying, and how they might sound.

If they keep going, you just repeat, ‘I don’t understand, what do you mean?’
In this situation she’s relying on people immediately backing down, rather than insisting she come out and say ‘Because this is MY SPACE, and I am MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOU.’ 😊

Whilst I agree the woman was very rude to tell you what to do, why don’t you use the other room? Does it not have the same equipment?

if you have a reason to use that specific space then say that: “there’s room for 2 and I like using this ladder”

But I think the key is not what you say but how you behave. Smile and refuse to move. Even if she witters on at you. She’ll get the picture.

No, It's fine, you're not that big.

Or

No. There's room for two here.

Depending how you feel.

'I actually asked the gym management during my intro session and they confirmed this is not a single occupancy room. Were you told something else? Shall we go and clarify?'

I can understand why you backed down, confrontation is hard and unexpected from strangers because most people aren’t cunts, thankfully. In future, though, do try to stick up for yourself a bit more. She had no right to claim the whole space.

Is there a gym attendant you can appeal to to speak to her? I don’t feel like you should actually have to be the one to explain to her it’s not her private gym.

Is she around often enough that you feel confident that she’s observed two people normally share the space?

It’s a bit tricky if someone isn’t willing to share in a public space, because while the etiquette may be that it’s normal, I don’t know whether I think that you can force them if they’re really not comfortable. I was once in a busy cafe and asked a young man at a table for two, with the only spare seat, whether I could sit there. He initially said yes but then once I’d sat down said ‘Actually this is going to be weird, I don’t know you and we’re going to be sitting across from each other, I don’t want you to have this seat’. Got the impression he might be ND but who knows. I felt annoyed because obviously most people would share as a matter of course, but I didn’t feel it was my business to force him if he seriously objected to it.

If you do want to confront her I’d just be matter of fact, ‘Normally two people share this space, and there will be plenty of room if you move to one side as most people do rather than going in the middle’. Then wait expectantly.

Judging by the replies I think your poll confused people a bit. I think most of us believe the other lady was unreasonable and you have just as much right to use the space, but both options sort of represent that view:

YABU - woman up and confront her
YANBU - you are entitled to use the space

"No" is a full and complete answer. Once you stop people pleasing, it is liberating.

This is a really bad idea.

Do not get into an argument with a stranger if you're not verbally equipped to deal with it.

And one or two suggestions from MNetters is not going to equip you for that.

Next time just point out there's enough room and get on with your exercise.

If she doesn't like it she can move.

I think it's very hard to tell without seeing the space. Its very frustrating to have people setting themselves right next to you for their workout when there is plenty of space available elsewhere...

You might like the ladder to stretch, but you don't really need it. And you can do push ups anywhere. I think In this situation - unless the space is bigger than what you've described - I would choose to give people space (if there is room elsewhere).

All you need to say is no thank you. I checked with staff and the room is meant for 2 people to use at a time. So I'll be staying.

There's plenty of room for both us. Unless of course you've paid extra to be on your own?

Do the toddler thing. ‘Why? Yeah but why? Why though?’ Until she gets fed up with you.

Or be an adult and say ‘No’.

You can say:

I'm happy here. Thanks.

That incident has been and gone. If it happens again simply say you're happy where you are and don't move. There's no need to get into an argument or tell her off.

I think you need to let it go. In the scheme of things it's sad that she felt so insecure that she has to be a bully. I'm really laid back about this sort of thing and would have probably laughed and walked off shaking my head.

Just say "no thank you" and carry on doing your exercise. Repeat if necessary.